Where faith and fear intersect

I've never thought much about the relationships between my emotions. I've never given much, nor enough attention to what happens when my emotions collide. I'm not really that great at holding thoughts captive, and I'm really  not great and taming my tongue. If I'm honest, what I think I almost always let myself feel, and what I feel I almost always let myself say. In terms of discipline, in this area of my life there really isn't much of it. 

I would say I'm a person of faith, that Jesus is my savoir, that I once was blind but now I see, so to speak. But it wasn't until the past few days that I've really wondered if all that is true? Is there fruit of that self proclaimed personal truth, or are these just lofty words that come out of my mouth in the name of great spirituality. I love Jesus, I believe in him, and I have accepted him into my heart, and into my life. I know some of what the bible says about Jesus, but I know A LOT more about what my favorite well known pastors say about Jesus. And for years this has gotten me through, and gotten me by. On rough days I think about praying, but I mostly just listen to sermons and vox my prayer warrior friends and ask them to pray. When I'm in doubt of something I seek answers from my trusty companion Google, and when I'm feeling stressed I make 76 different to-do lists to try and gain a sense of control. The thing is I say that I'm saved, which I believe I am, but I'm not sure that I'm really living as though Jesus is my Savior.  

When I gave birth to my firstborn I also gave birth to fear, a fear I'd never known before. A fear of cancer, and death, a fear of colds and flu's, car accidents, emotional scars,  and negative outside influences, just to name a few. I knew of these fears before her, but it wasn't until she was born that I gave them a space and a claim in my life. In many ways I had to move Jesus over to the side to make room for these fears, and then consequently had to move him over a little more to make room for all of my self controlling ways- the ways in which I could prevent, protect, and combat each one of these fears. 

See I had Jesus, I just put him in a compartment and sat him next to my fear. I knew of his love and his grace, of his protections and promises, I just didn't think they fit in the same box as the fears that were beginning to rule my life.

I've lived like this for three years. 

Fear has been my God, and my attempt to control and combat fear has become my religion. 

The more fear that I took on the more I forgot about Jesus. The more dark I discovered in this world, the less I made of Jesus' light. 

And now,  on the corner of fear and faith, you will find me. Searching and praising, pleading, and purging. On the corner of fear and faith you will find a woman who like many others, has discovered that fear is ruling her life, that fear is her God. 

And the very sneaky thing I'm learning about fear is that it doesn't always look like fear. In fact often times fear dresses itself up as being intellegent, being cautious and wise, prepared, and in control. Fear can some how seep into the parts of you that you think you're certain of and cause confusion and chaos without you even knowing it. Fear can be debilitation and big, and it can also be subtle and unknowingly all consuming. I've been consumed in many ways by this sly and stealth little thief of joy, and up until now I don't think I realized that it's coming and going, it's staying or leaving forever is not just a matter of me declaring war and putting on a brave face. Fear will not flee at the sounds of a Joyce Meyer sermon, and fear cannot be overcome by to do lists, natural medicine, large bank accounts, or a million affirmations from the people who love you. In order for fear to die you must make a place where faith can live. In order for fear to fail you must overcome it with a true and intentional, steadfast faith- not faith in man, not faith in this world, faith in Jesus.

The thing about fear and faith is that they simply cannot coexist.  You must make a choice, everyday, every hour, which road you'll start walking down, and though you can switch directions at any moment, you cannot walk them both at the same time. 

I've lived these past three years doing an impossible dance, filling my mind with blogs, social media, and a million articles on everything from housekeeping to marriages and parenting. I've watched this world spin faster and faster and nearly killed myself to keep up. I've longed for peace, for the kind of bravery that sets a soul free, but I've unknowingly bargained with the devil to find it! I've been given a voice and I've been afraid to use it, I've been given a zest for life and I've spent more time stifling it than putting it into motion. I've been given gifts I don't use, or acknowledge, and I've been given dreams I'm too timid to dream. That's what fear will do, it'll make you fixate on the longings of your heart, and then lure you in the very opposite direction of God's voice. 

At the If: Gathering this past weekend Bianca Olthoff said, "Results are God's responsibility, but response is ours." I never knew until recently that thing I've been responding to is my fear, not God. God didn't give me a spirit of fear, he didn't desire me to live small and meek, safe and guarded. God gave me a heart the size of Texas, so I could go to the dark, unsafe corners of this world and love on those who are lost. God gave me a voice, not to use to give life to my fears, but to speak life over those He places in front of me. God didn't give me a healthy body to protect out of paranoia of disease and injury. God gave me a body to put my footprints all over this world in efforts to spread his good news. God wrote my story, it's been written, and it is good. And while there will be hardships, and moments of pain and suffering, no where in my story did he write for me to stay still- to hold onto and hold back all that he's given me so that I can stay safe. I've been saved by Jesus which means no matter where I go, no matter what I do, ultimately I am safe. Rather I leave here tomrorrow, or when I'm 102 I'm going home to him, to live forever. 

Playing it safe will no longer be my story, I'm going for broke. I want to be wrung out and exhausted of all my gifts. Fear was overwhelming for me, and it has robbed me of some of my time here on earth, but fear was and my God is. He is with me, and His road of faith I will walk. New things can be hard, but with him I can do hard things.

Untitled:

 

I recently heard a story of a young, beautiful girl being called fat at school. When it came time for her mom to handle the situation, among many things she could have said, and possibly did say, she asked her daughter this question, "How do you feel about yourself, do you feel like you are fat?" When the daughter then replied with a confident, "No!" The mom said, "well good! Because all that matters is how you see yourself!

 

I thought about this story all weekend long. I just couldn't get over, A. how well, I feel the mother handled it, and B. what an  

INCREDIBLE thing it was to teach her child in that moment.... All that matters is how YOU see yourself!!!

 

I think I could end the blog post right there and call it a day. I mean there is so much right there in that sentence, it really speaks volumes! But I have to keep typing because this topic, this sentence has cap stoned, a slew of thoughts and feelings I have been wrestling with since I gave birth to my daughter.

 

The concept of self love in our culture of women is skewed, jaded at best. Putting emphasis on how you see yourself is not unfamiliar to us. We are told we should be happy with ourselves from every other jack, Jill, and sally in this world. We are told to embrace what we have, who we are, and live comfortably in our own skin. Yet really, while this is something we are told, it is not what is taught or exemplified in this world. Truth is our society, women and girls alike have been taught this confusing contradiction of, 'be confident' AND 'think low enough of yourself that no one else feels threatened by you!' I saw it growing up every single day. The girls with the super low self esteem ended up riding on the coattails of the girls who seemed to have enough confidence for the entire class. The girls that thought they were ugly and stupid and unlovable were either seen as so weak they were annoying or just insecure enough to make all the "confident" girls feel good about themselves. Insecurity is a miserable place where no one sets out to live, yet living confidently can be such a scary risky place, we tend to keep a safe distance.

 

Our world of women can be so tricky, so impossible at times. Out of our own insecurity, we struggle with the level of happiness and confidence other women have. We critique, make fun of, judge or get annoyed by women who seem happy all the time, yet we aren't drawn to being friends with the person who is negative, or constantly showing their insecurities either. Us women are so concerned with how we are being perceived by others, or at least a couple other people, that we fight back the urge to be our truest, most authentic selves.

 

I think our authentic self feels pretty sometimes, heck maybe most of the time. I think our true self, thinks our children are wonderful, gorgeous little creatures  AND that every thinks the same thing, and if they don't they should! I think our true self feels happy about a new car, a promotion, a hot husband, or the way their new red skinnies fit them. I think if we are honest with ourselves, we all wish that we lived in a world where it was a little bit more okay to be real. To say one day, my kid is driving me crazy, without fear that others will think you aren't a perfect mother, while the next day posting 23 pictures of your sweet little babes on facebook without the fear that others will think you are annoying, obsessed with your kid, or quite possibly trying to overcompensate. I think a lot of us would like to post a selfie pic from time to time and not have to question for a half an hour before you post it if you should post it at all, in fear that people will think you are conceited or in love with yourself. (I mean can you IMAGINE!?!?!) I think in this world of comparison's, sizing each other up, and breaking each other down in the name of making ourselves feel better, we should instead practice loving ourselves, out loud, without fear for all to see.

 

I believe if we took the time and effort to get so comfortable in our skin that we apologized less for the times we are rightfully celebrating our joy, and the good God has given... we will then become much better at rightfully apologizing for the times when we are unkind, judgemental, unloving, and unsupportive. In fact I think the more time we spend loving ourselves with no apologies, the critiques of others be it out loud, or in our own heads would be much less.

 

I know for me personally, I struggle with this all the time. As a child I was a weird blend of confident and insecure. I had bold tendencies, urges to be myself and put myself out there, yet I was also very observant and would quickly put myself down the second I sensed I was being judged. I was born a glass have full person, some have called me flowery. So my tendency most days is to try to make lemonade when there are lemons, because that's just who I innately am. However it wasn't very far in to elementary years when I realized that girls didn't like girls who seemed to like themselves or their lives. So I began to drown deep in pit of all that was wrong with me. I became so insecure with myself that I actually lost friends for... get this... being insecure! I was told I was too sensitive, and needed to "toughen up," I was made fun of when I thought I looked pretty, yet totally walked all over when I walked with my head down. You see so much of how we see ourselves, from a very young age, comes from how others view us. Of course this isn't for every single girl out there, but I would venture to say it is this way for the vast majority. It seems for me, and many women out there we spend many of our days trying to find the perfect middle, somewhere between shamefully insecure, and obnoxiously confident. We want to be acceptable, love able, and relateable so much so, we find ourselves apologizing for our complaining, AND our praising. We are trying to not be a debbie downer, while also trying to not be "too happy" and confident.

 

I recently overheard a conversation between some girls I didn't know. One of them was commenting on a picture the other girl had posted, while saying, " oh my gosh I would never post a picture of myself, just me! That would be so embarrassing and awkward." This might seem weird to you but it totally made me sad, because you know how many times I have overheard conversations where every single girl in the group is ragging on herself, totally ripping themselves apart, " I suck at this..." I look fat," etc etc. No one blinks an eye when we are putting ourselves down, but man could you imagine if a group full of women were standing around and someone belted out, "I love how my hair looks today, it's so shiny and soft," or, " I feel really pretty in this dress." I think the majority of women would start  to wiggle a bit, have to get their barrings straight, and try to compute what just happened... someone just flat out complimented themself. Whaaaaat?!?!??! I mean I know some of you reading it are like, umm yeah that would be weird. But think about it, if we lived in a world where it was okay to love ourselves, and occasionally even love ourselves out loud, so many things would be different. If we ALL felt comfortable, or for the most part comfortable with loving our selves, flaws, mistakes, bad days and all, we wouldn't be so dang threatened, or annoyed by other women doing the same.

 

I have watched as I've gotten older women filter themselves so much, myself included. We try so hard not to be too much of one thing, not too sensitive, or too sarcastic, or too confident, or too insecure. You can vent about your marriage but not too much, and you can boast about a good day, but not too often. You can facebook pics, but not too many, and don't get me started on those selfies, and you can compliment others just not too much. We are trying to hover somewhere in the middle so much so that our true selves are totally being ignored, and once ignored too long, you completely forget who you are, or worse take on the role of being someone you're not!

 

So here's the deal, I'm not saying that there isn't TREMENDOUS value in having humility. That there isn't something so gracious and lovely, about someone who doesn't need to find their worth or value in physical appearances, or praises of others. I pray for humility, for a selfless focus all the time- but along with that I have started praying for love for myself; the kind of love I'm not afraid to talk about and share out loud. I pray that I can see the beauty in my life, my circumstances, who I am, AND even what I look like. The Lord said I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image, and I know he doesn't tell me that for no reason. I believe humility is the key to many MANY things in life, but equally so I think confidence in yourself, who God is and who he made you to be is the key to many things as well.

 

Confident people don't feel the need to talk poorly about others because it does nothing for them, they are already full. Confident people don't need to hear how pretty they are to feel valued, yet they aren't afraid to admit that sometimes it feels good to hear it. Confident people, don't sell themselves out, don't sell themselves short, and don't do things out of desperation. They know what they have, they know who they are, and they are okay with others having a win. Confident people don't feel threatened, or embarrassed, or vulnerable when complimenting other people, because loving is so much easier when you love yourself. In our world, we bully, we intimidate, we betray, we cheat, we lie, we put down, we shame, and we make fun of others. We are a culture of insecure lost souls in many ways, and the root I believe, is lost love. We've lost our love for God, our love for ourselves, and consequently our love for each other. And as a mommy who just brought a child into this world 19 months ago, I feel an insane amount of responsibility to do my part to change this.

 

I have to now more than ever practice love. I said in January that my new year's resolution was to better live a first Corinthians love- a love that doesn't boast, doesn't blame, isn't prideful. I found the Mother Teresa quote about, "do ________ anyway" and I thought this is it, I MUST love better! What I didn't realize, until a few weeks ago, is that God is wanting me to learn this very love for myself. I have a horrible habit of making excuses for self pics, pretending like I don't think I look pretty, didn't do something well, etc, etc, etc. I mean my love language is words of affirmations, and if I am thinking something kind and loving about someone, I swear I will implode if I'm not able to say it, yet receiving kind words for myself...forget it! When someone compliments me I instantly think, oh crap I hope they don't think I think I'm pretty, or crap I hope they don't think I think my life is perfect, etc. I am still caught in the cycle of trying to be me, just not too much of me, that God is stepping in, and I can tell this work he is going to do is going to be huge!

 

I know that in the end of all of this, people wont remember much of me except how I made them feel, and I hope and pray what I make other's feel is positive, but in order to do this, in order to love in this way, I am going to love myself the same way. If I am to raise a daughter who will impact this world of women in a positive way then I must start now. I want to teach her that very same lesson, that in the end, regardless of what that boy tells you, or what those girls were calling you, or what your boss yelled at you......all that matters in the end is how you and God see you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



What I'm loving Wednesday-Part 1

I almost closed my computer...too much to say...too much to do, and I'm tired. Buuuut this little part of me wanted to prove to myself that I can infact do something consistently, every week if nothing else. So here I am posting again, just in time for my What I'm loving Wednesday.

 

Although I'm actually cheating, I'm not quite done with my original WILW post but I must get rested up for our big playdate tomorrow. I mean it's the who's who of playdates (I've totally wanted to say that line, although I didn't expect to say it about playdates, especially when I've only heard it used in conversations about celebrity's and very affluent business mogels.)  We will get to see Cruz and Pepper, Avy and Palmer, Addy Jo, baby brother in Mama's bell, and sweet Ella, and of course my awesome girlfriends too. Side note: not only do my friends have the cutest kids, but their kids have the cuuutest names!

So anywhoo due to this crazy playdate just hours away, I am blogging a part 1 to my what i love wednesday. It is simple, but enough.

 

I'm loving Plumb, the Christian (maybe not formally classified as such) folky singer who used to be a mainstream alternative artist, but now frequents christian radio. Anywhoo, sorry about the boring deets, I am loving her new album. I was listenting today and found the song, or actually two. You know the one or two out of the entire album that you instantly turn up, and insert yourself in. The song that you can either totally relate to or wish you could totally relate to?! Well I found these two songs, and they made me think of D.

 

I love this man, in a real, honest, adoring, yet sometimes critical, and expecting way. We have been married mere minutes compared to so many, so I know our story in it's infancy,  but I do love him, all things considered, all things aside. He is my man, he is my Noah,

 

You're a bird, I'm a bird.

 

So part one of wilw, is he..the husband .

I highly suggest you listen to both these songs asap!

 

"Don't Deserve You"

You're the first face that I see
And the last thing I think about
You're the reason that I'm alive
You're what I can't live without
You're what I can't live without

You never give up
When I'm falling apart
Your arms are always open wide
And you're quick to forgive
When I make a mistake
You love me in the blink of an eye

I don't deserve your love
But you give it to me anyway
Can't get enough
You're everything I need
And when I walk away
You take off running and come right after me
It's what you do
And I don't deserve you

You're the light inside my eyes
You give me a reason to keep trying
You give me more than I could dream
And you bring me to my knees
You bring me to my knees

Your heart is gold and how am I the one
That you've chosen to love
I still can't believe that you're right next to me
After all that I've done

I don't deserve your love
But you give it to me anyway
Can't get enough
You're everything I need
And when I walk away
You take off running and come right after me
It's what you do
And I don't deserve you

I don't deserve a chance like this
I don't deserve a love that gives me everything
You're everything I want

I don't deserve your love
But you give it to me anyway
Can't get enough
You're everything I need
And when I walk away
You take off running and come right after me
It's what you do
And I don't deserve you
And I don't deserve you

 

"Chocolate & Ice Cream"

You love it when you are with me
I like to be where you are
I love it when you say baby
Let's go, take a drive
I'm chocolate and you are the ice cream
I love old movies at night
You can't sleep late or be lazy
I like to put my feet on yours
Until I fall asleep

Oh baby what we've got
We could never imagine
Would be so great
I bet it's just like heaven
And sometimes I feel like
I am dreaming
And wake up
And you're laying there
[x2]

I always forget where I'm goin'
You always know where we are
I can't leave out any details
And you forget them all
You can't sit still for a minute
You're hot and I'm always cold
You dress and you shower each morning
And I'm good to dress at all
But I'll grow old with you

Oh baby what we've got
We could never imagine
Would be so great
I bet it's just like heaven
And sometimes I feel like
I am dreaming
And wake up
And you're laying there
[x2]

Oh you say to me
That you are mine
And I am yours forever and ever
And ever
And I will say to you
That time and space
Could go away
And everything change
Nothing will change
The way I feel about you
I'm crazy for you

Oh baby what we've got
We could never imagine
Would be so great
I bet it's just like heaven
And sometimes I feel like
I am dreaming
And wake up
And you're laying there

 



What I'm loving Wednesday



Okay so here it is, I love themes. Like LOVE them, but I'm not good at them. What's that you didn't know you could suck at themes? Well you can and I do. I'm just not good at preparing, like crafting a month ahead, or planning an outfit weeks ahead of time, and I'm SO not very good at being consistent. Soooo with that said, it's almost comical that I'm jumping on the ol' blogging by themes idea. I won't be doing this for every day of the week, and surely I can't promise I will be doing this every wednesday but I am going to give it a shot, because there is so much I am loving these days; and I feel as though I need to share in case anyone is interested, and document it because I'm sure I'll love reading about my cauliflower pizza, or my homemade deodrant when I'm 90.

So without further ado... Here's what I am loooooooving.....

Oh and MAJOR disclaimer... because blogging unoriginality is all the craze these days. These ideas, recipes, etc are not mine, unfortunately I'm not super creative at coming up with recipes etc from scratch. Although I must say, it's super hard to tell who is original these days because of pinterst, blogs,etc. My opinion...who cares?!?! I mean I totally think people should be acknowledged for their creativity, 150%, but I don't care if someone's cookie recipe is thier own, or from some pin on their pinboard.... if it's good, I have no problem giving them credit. Basically I'm easily impressed, so the fact that you can even bake knocks my socks off.

So with that said, please know I got most of these ideas/recipes from some of my favorite blogs and pinterest. I don't remember the original info for every single idea because let's face it I pinterest alot AND have mommy brain so I'm doing the best I can with my works cited.

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CAULIFLOWER PIZZA

Seriously it's TDF. I can say with 100% honesty that I would be happy never eating regular pizza ever again after eating this. It's a delish and genius way to get a TON of veggies in one meal.

I got the "crust" recipe from a blog called Mom what's for dinner and it's called Cauliflower Cheesy Bread. As far as the rest of it, I kind of just made it how I saw fit. Sauce, veggies, cheese. Viola!

Oh and Nuggy loves love loves it. So mom friends try this out if you haven't already.



Oh and this AFTER pic obviously does NOT do it justice, but we were so excited to dig in we forgot to take a pic of it all pretty in the pan. 

POM POM'S

Really these don't need an explanation. They are my dessert crack. They are super addicting and super healthy. I pray when I become pregnant again, these become or should I say stay my obsession. If they become one of the millions of things I have aversions to while pregnant, I will CRY!  

REUTERI

Probiotics for the Livy babe.

True story, this stuff should be reccommended by every Dr. for every little one (IMHO)

This stuff helps to keep the little's regular, and TOTALLY helps with immunity.

I've been giving this to Nuggy, in a bottle with breast milk, formula, or now in her sippy cup with water, since she was just a couple months old, and she has only been constipated maybe 4 times, not to mention I swear up and down it has helped keep Liv from catching all the crap that has gone around the past 2 years.

COCONUT OIL

This should be an entirely seperate blog post because this stuff is pretty much gold. Like aside from gold, this is the greatest thing to come from our sweet earth.

While I know there are 5,729 uses for coconut oil I only want to tell you about those I am actually currently using.

As of right now I am soaking my head of hair in this stuff, and I seriously wish I could write a novel on my love for it.

 I am using, or have used Coconut oil in the following ways.

Lip balm, hair conditioner, Shampoo (see below), face wash (great for acne,scarring etc), moisturizer, lotion for myself and Nuggy, in my tea, in most of my food (major metabolism booster), as a healing agent for cuts, and for cracked heels. Honestly I couldn't even begin to spout off the millions of benefits from this stuff, or explain as well as others can, all the different elements of coconut oil that somehow make it moisturizing, antibacterializing, healing, metabolism boosting, etc, but let me tell you it's magic, and you should definitely go out and get yourself a jar! Oh and everyone says make sure to get the organic, cold pressed coconut oil, and it is pretty pricey at most stores, but not good ol Trader J's (I'm also obsessed with that place). It's $5.99 for a pint of organic, cold pressed coco oil.

Oh and I found out a ton of great ideas for CO on the wellness mama, crunchy betty, and love chugs blogs, to name a few.

APPLE CIDER VINEGAR

I first heard about this on Love Chugs, and then started reading all about this on Pinterest and good ol google. In short it too is pretty amazing, but not quite as delish.

I 've started taking 2 tbsp of it with water in the morning, along with a glass of warm water and lemon. I've read it cleanses your body, and does about 20 other beneficial things for your body.

I also spray it on my hair as a detangler. It helps keep your hair shiny and moisturized. The smell isn't the best but I have another spray leave in conditioner that helps mellow out the smell, and the shine/softness you hair has after using it makes up for the smell.

Lip Scrub

It's simple sally...brown sugar, or reg sugar, olive oil, and honey.

Need I say more.

Ha! I just saw this pic, and laughed that I said, "Need I say more?!" Ummm yes it looks gross, but I promise its so yummy and wonderful, and moisturizing for your lips.

HOMEMADE DEODRANT

I'm totally not even kidding you with this business. Long long story short, I have a hate hate relationship with deodrant. Not only does it, it being non organic stuff, have disgusting cancer causing ingredients but I swear it doesn't work...for like 99% of people. Most people still either have pit stains from sweating, OR, armpits that smell like (insert deodrant name here) and B.O. Once I found out how unhealthy deodrant can be, I set out to find the perfect organic one, and to no avail, I couldn't find it. I'm convinced it doesn't exist. So I stumbled upon one of my all time fave blogs, and saw a link to another great blog that sadly I can't remember the name of, and there I saw the recipe for Homemade coconut cinnamon deodrant!!!!  It is aaaaaaaaamazing!!!!! and it works!!!!

The blog lady said her and her hubs have been using this stuff for over a year and swear by it.

For the past 8 months or so I have made D smell my armpits nothing short of 400 times to prove that my latest and greatest deodrant does in fact NOT work (lucky man I know). He has vouched for me, and even stated that he too has smelled the deodrant/bo smell on sooo many people and said that this homemade deo is the first one where at the end of the day it still smells good. Very mild, but good!

It's super easy. Cornstarch, arrowroot, baking soda, coco oil, and cinnamon( which I decided to add for the heck of it) Oh and I just jumped over to google and found the name of the blog. It's from the prarie homestead.

Oh and I would go back and add a link to all of these blogs, but this is taking way longer than I expected and I am running on like 4 hours of sleep so I must be quick. I figure you can google it too :)

HOMEMADE COCONUT SHAMPOO

I just made it, so I can't really say much other than I'm sooooo excited to see how it works on my hair after a few washes. I am obsessed with the thought of having predominately homemade, safe, healthy products around our house. Not just because they are healthy...and SUPER cheap in the long run, but because for me it just seems to make my life feel much simpler. Often time so many of these ingredients for homemade products overlap eachother, so if I have the ingedients to make a body wash, I can also probably make a lotion, a shampoo, a lip balm, and who knows what else. See simple! I have a basement full of items...next on the list... Laundry detergent, fabric softner, and cleaning products.

Seriously the 10 year ago me wouldn't recognize the today me. It's craaazy how much this one time major product/name brand junkie now LOVES the idea of homemade, natural, inexpensive, everything.

I swear I was born in the wrong generation. I mean I find more joy in making homemade shampoo, and listening to Ella Fitzgerald Radio on Pandora than I ever thought I would!

GRAPESEED OIL

We use this after the bath/shower instead of lotion. Just pat dry your skin and lather it on.

It moisturizes SO much better than lotion, and has really helped keep Liv's baby skin the softest ever!

THESE TWO

I mean what else can I say. I love them, every hour of every day. They are the reasons why I have traveled down this new path of self discovery. They inspire me to challenge myself, and grow, and change. Before them, I had no desire to step foot in a kitchen, let alone venture into the world of homemade deodrants. I love the new, kind of weird sides of the woman/mom/wife I am becoming and I very much have these two to thank. D and Nuggy thank you for existing, and Lord thank you for wanting them to exist in MY life.

What to expect when you're expecting (NOT a pregnancy post)

My head is so full. I have about 1600 blog posts floating around in my head, I have pics I want to document, stories I want to tell, and funny random things I want to write down so I can read them and laugh 60 years from now. But in true me fashion, I am posting what's heavy on my heart and mind right now, today.Which isn't always as easy as it should be.

 I struggle with my blogging identity, in some ways very similarly to the way I struggle with my own identity. I want so badly to define myself in one sentence, which as I'm saying that out loud I realize is suuuper ridiculous. Who can be defined in once sentence? Who can be completely boxed away to one category? Well regardless, I try, and failing at it drives me crazy. I digress

 There are so many, "this is what's on my heart" moments, so many times I think, "ooh I need to blog about this, get it all out," but I don't because I don't want to pigeon hole myself in that way. I don't want my blog to become a serious blog, or a analytical blog. Apparently I have set some standard for myself that this blog has to be categorized, and since I can't seem to categorize the kind of person I am, you can imagine the identity crisis of my blog eludes me. However in the past couple days, because of this ridiculous self inflicted frustration, I decided to stop and think about why it is I blog in the first place. 

While many answers initially came out, this is the truth of it all. I blog because I need to, because I like to. I do NOT want to be some major blogger, I don't care to ever be compensated monetarily for blogging, or even hope my blog ever gains tons and tons of readers. It's not that I am saying that any of that would be awful, it's just not where my heart is at; and I think in order to stay true to who I am I needed to identify that that is not the purpose of my blog. In response to sharing my heart here on this blog, I have had some incredible emails, and phone calls. I have been able to connect with a few people I don't believe I would have otherwise connected with, and for that I'm totally grateful. But if I write to please, if I write in hopes that everyone who reads it will love it, and love me more, I may as well cut my hands off now. It would be the death of me. So for the very few who read this and the very few in the future who may stumble upon this blog please know, I write for me, for my family, for my sanity, and because if I'm really honest, this is one facet of who I am. I'm analytical, deep, passionate, and have an undying need to express these things, as a release for me; and yes I chose to express these parts of me with a tiny hope that maybe sometimes, in God ordained moments, someone will be comforted, or possibly inspired. I don't believe we should live alone, in fact I think everything we experience in life is on purpose, and sometimes the purpose is that someone else can benefit. So I share, and I'll continue to do so from here on out, without titles, and categories, and fears of what others will think. 

With that said....

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I remember when I was just shy of eight weeks pregnant my mom and aunt bought me, "what to expect when you're expecting." And if I'm honest I was THRILLED! The title alone, soothed my many nights of asking just that quesiton, "What am I supposed to expect?" Foolishly, I felt comforted, like I could from that point on stop wondering and worrying and just rest in the predictability of that which has been laid out for me in this book. Of course a few months later, while the book was very helpful in some areas, I realized what all mother's learn at some point...No one can tell you what to expect, it is different for each of us, and although we wish it were true, there are no books out there that can relieve us from having to navigate through our own ever changing expectations, not in parenting, not in love, and not in life. But don't we all at times, in different areas of our lives, wish that there were a book for that?  I've struggled with this most my life, in fact I believe we all do. Great expectations can be the cause for both major successes and major failures. I think for some they struggle with the expectations of physical appearance, "this is what I should look like, this is what I should dress like." For others it's money, and all the materialistic things they think they should have. For some I believe it is occupation, the standard of all they should accomplish in life, and for many I am certain it is relationships. "this is what my love life should look like, what my relationship with my family should be like, what my spouse should be like, and what my friendships should do and be for me." We all have them in some area. They are there, and rather we know it or not they very much govern the way we live, and the lens in which we view are lives.

I would like to say no one tells us what to expect, that it is actually just engrained in who we are, but I don't entirely think that is true. I think especially in today's world via facebook, instagram, pinterest, blogs, etc. We create our expectations by what we see from other people. We see happy marriages, successful jobs, large homes, fabulous clothing, excellent parenting, incredible friendships, all lived out in front of us. So in response we pick and chose what we want, what we wish for, and we expect those same things for our lives. 

I don't struggle so much with money, I mean I'd love to have more but I don't think and dream about it, I don't obsess over fashion, or my car, my home, or even my occupational status. And while I'd be lying if I said I had zero expectation for those things in my life, it is relatively quite low compared to my relationships. You see for me people are my passion and my poison. I have, since I can remember, always had great great expectations for what my relationships with others will be like; and consequently it's no wonder I have, since I can remember, been greatly disappointed so many times in these relationships. Truth is, I have taken these great expectations and put them on every single relationship I've been in. Yes, every. single. one. I have such a ridiculous love for people, and desire to be loved in return, I have set every friend, every family member and every boyfriend, up to these standards. I wanted my real life relationships to be like the wonderful, outrageous, out of control awesome relationships that I had created and expected in my head. I've seen movies, heard songs, read books, and with the invent of social media, seen all of these relationships lived out in front of me, and I set my expectations accordingly. I always wanted that token, sisterhood type friendship like the girls in the movie Now and Then,  the heart stopping true love like so many relationships I saw in blogs and facebook, and I've also wanted that unspeakable bond, and unconditional love that can only be shared between sisters.

 It's not that I never had any of these things, or don't have them today, because I did and I do in some respects. But if I'm honest I've also found myself disappointed that certain people never ended up living up to my expectations. Some boys I hoped would love me, didn't. Some friends, who I hoped would want to be my bff, didn't, and even some family relationships that I hoped would turn out differently...they didn't! And up until recently I never realized how the disappointment of these things have greatly effected me, possibly in the same way those who chase money, or beauty, are effected when their expectations are not met. 

I want to make it clear that I don't feel expectations are bad, in fact I think it can be very self deprecating, and lacking in faith, to not believe that you are worthy of good, and of love. I believe God wants us to be loved and wants us to desire, and even expect that we can have some of those things He has laid on our hearts, even if it be silly, and sometimes trivial. But in the very same way, I believe that when things in our lives, the beautiful blessings that sometimes are only supposed to be ours for a season, are measured up to the great expectations in our heads, we will unequivocally without fail be disappointed. The problem with expectations, especially when they are with people, is so often you have put them on people without them ever even knowing, so you find yourself disappointed, while at the very same time, that other person can be totally oblivious that you even care. Having great expectations is a slippery slope of let down, and a very clever tool the enemy uses, and is using currently in my life, to destroy certain relationships, that either were never meant to be more than they are, OR relationships that God intentionally brought to me for a specific and life giving purpose.

So here's what I've concluded, after all of these reflective moments, and great God divined revelations. 

I must stop going into my relationships with expectations, and in a very contradictory way, if I must have expectations, I should expect that no one in this world will be able to perfectly meet every expectation I have for them. I have learned that just as I need to get rid of these insane utopian pictures of how it should be, or how I want it to be, I also need to know when to stop. If I'm trying to force a square peg in a round hole, and putting a lot of effort into relationships where there is zero reciprocation, then I need to identify that maybe I was never supposed to be closer with them than I am. Expectation need be removed, so that loving where we are at can begin. If I do this, if I start approaching my relationships like this then I also feel that God will have more room to be in control, I can start directing my efforts of expectation into seeking His purpose and His will for all that is in my life. 

I often write things about myself, that some would never dare reveal. I know it makes some uncomfortable, it makes some look at me differently, and for some it makes them feel a little less alone. I am okay with all of those responses. Truth be told, if you judged my life or anyone elses by pictures alone, you could possibly assume that most of the time I have it all together, that somehow my life doesn't have messy parts. This simply isn't true, and it's always been important to me that I make this known. I am flawed, and very very human. Sometimes my 'humanness' doesn't look exactly like the person next to me, but it is there and it is real. My hope is when I leave this world people will know me a little better than just what I put in my Instagram feed. I hope after I'm gone, I leave a legacy of a life lived real, and authentic. That people will have known that among many things, I always tried to fully embrace the evolution of who I am, and that there is no shame in living out loud, for all to see. 

So there you have it, a struggle, a sin, a stronghold the enemy has had on me for many years, laid out on paper. So so excited to see what the Lord will do with it now that I have decided to lay it all at His feet. 

My 2013 prayer and resolution was to better live out a Corinthians kind of love. I do believe that by surrendering these great expectations, I will experience this love in ways I never have before. I want to love better, I am on my way. 

Perspective

I woke up this morning to that nagging feeling that the enemy had slept at the foot of my bed last night. I know it was him. He's done it before. I dream disturbing dreams, I toss and turn, and then I wake to that feeling of a heavy heart and full mind. I let my feet touch the floor and I hear a little whisper in my heart, "Today is going to be stressful, you've got a lot to do, you are tired, your new job.. well you are sucking at it...and on and on the whispers went. That dang devil I tell you, he really does come to STEAL- KILL- AND DESTROY!! I knew I was at one of those very pivotal crossroads, the choose your own adventure, where you know one page will take you to some awesome story, while another, will take you down 55 pages of crap that you would have been better off never reading.

 I remember listening to a Joyce Meyer sermon once and she talked about, or should I say she warned us to beware, " Every morning you wake up, the Devil is ready for battle. He has a very specific plan for your day, for your thoughts, your plans, and your peace, and he has no problem battling God to make sure His plans for you life never come to fruition. Be ware friends, there's a battle going on every morning for your mind....you chose who wins!" 

And I did, I chose. 

Unfortunately for the enemy I am one stubborn piece of work, and I serve a faithful God. No bottle of shampoo spilling on the floor, large medical bill, unruly temperamental 18 month old, or new batch of flipping baby hairs that stand straight up no matter how I do my hair, or what product I use to paste it down, will ruin my day!!! I refuse to let the enemy win. You know that's how he does it, if he can just tip you over, stress you out over something little, surely he's got you and before you know if your entire disposition will be off. Your peace will be gone, and the course of your day will be entirely derailed from the beauty and blessings God had in store. 

This morning I decided....

If you game to steal, I will hold on tighter, if you came to kill, I will love more, and if you came to destroy, well than dammit buddy I will build my house, my security, and my peace on the truth and word of God!!! You may not have this day, YOU WILL NOT WIN! 

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So instead, today I will write a little list of happy. I will intentionally spend a moment of today to document just a few of the many splendid things that I am grateful for. Brace yourself people, there's a lot of happy coming...

1. Kale Chips. Sound weird? It's not I assure you, they are like gold, each and every one of them. They are healthy, they are delicious, and I am grateful that I can afford to these little pieces of heaven. You see I don't take for granted even the littlest things...being able to afford healthy yummy food. 

2. My husband. The guy is redic. No really he is! And while I could go on and on for all the millions of reasons why I love and appreciate him, today I am grateful for 2 specific things. His support for me and what I need/want, and his incredibly hard and admirable work ethic. Since Livy was born, and I quit my job, we solely relied on the Lord to provide for our family. It was a long shot in my mind, but thankfully the Lord he is BIG. On one income, with changes, sacrifices, and many fortunate opportunities, we have been able to live a wonderful life these past 18 months. However, before baby number two comes along (we are going to start trying late spring) we have a few things we want to do, financially. Pay off a little debt, add to savings, and build a little bedroom addition. You know small things. Anyways we have prayed and prayed for the ideal opportunity for me to make a little extra money yet still be a stay at home mommy. We have prayed and prayed. We tried a few times to take things into our own hands and try to force certain jobs that failed MISERABLY, which of course they would. It wasn't God's plan it was ours, but in true God fashion, in the middle of the winter, when most construction workers struggle finding work, Derek's company has plenty...AND he has been offered side work opportunities, AND low and behold, I have been blessed with a part time, on my own terms, in my own hours, as much or as little, work from home, marketing/assisting job for a friend and his real estate business. My friend has been wonderful to work for, and what he needs from me, I happen to love doing and be decent at. Now how any of this even ties into being grateful for my husband is this; Derek has worked his butt off to solely provide for our family, fully supporting me staying home and living my dream of wife and mommy. BUT he also has totally supported me working a little. He is my biggest cheerleader, and tells me how great and talented and smart I am. He also has told me on several occasions that if I ever feel overwhelmed, stressed out, or negative in any way as a result to this job I could quit. I mean you guys, he is like chicken soup for the soul. This man he loves me with such a Christ like love, it's all I can do to not go on and on about how wonderful he is. Point being is this. Today was a day, where I realized, yet again, how fortunate I am to have a man who supports my passions, and a man who encourages me to dream, and do so while also making sure my load doesn't feel too heavy. He's offered to help out with dishes and laundry when he gets home, so I can go work for an hour. He's prayed for me, and rubbed my feet after a long day of duties, many of which I choose to put on my plate. I'm grateful for a husband like him, he makes me want to be a better wife, a better mom, and generally just a better human being.

3. I am grateful for Starbucks. Although I hate the way my hair and clothes smell when I leave, I love the coffee, the music, the atmosphere, and the fact that they have monopolized the market so much so, that even in the middle of no where Idaho I can drive 5 minutes and arrive at my "office" only to be welcomed with a spinach and egg breakfast wrap, a decaf peppermint americano, and NOT an old fashion glazed doughnut thanks to my accountability partner and sister Ashlee, seriously she's good! I kid you not I've never wanted one of those baby's more than I did today, and that's even after the two cake pops I had yesterday! Needless to say there are a few kinks here at the 'office' I'm going to have to work out, but Ash she saved me. 

4. My mother. Oh Lord am I ever thankful for this woman. Not only did she literally give me life, but she fills my home up with so much life every time she visits.She somehow manages to love on my daughter, give her the most attentive one on one play time, all the while folding clothes, putting away dishes, vacuuming, and starting dinner. She also serves as therapist, prayer partner, stand up comedian, and bestest friend eva!!! She selflessly spends her days off with us, and rather it's just providing the best company, or helping me out, every day with her is nothing short of a gift. The very best gift in all the land. I think I came out of the womb saying this but truly I don't know how I would do this life without her!!!

5. My mother in law. Seriously in echo of so many of the statements I made about my Momma, the very same applies for my mother in law. She too selflessly offers to watch my child, and pretty much do just about any and everything to help me out, whenever I need it. Like I have said before, I feel like she is my second Momma, we laugh, we talk, we cry, and we attempt craft and cooking projects that don't always pan out. It is absolutely no wonder why D is as incredible as he is, the apple fell 2cm away from the tree in this case, and thank God for that!  I wouldn't be able to do this new job without the help, and love, and support I get from my Momma and Mother in Law. They are my right and left arm. I need them, and I love them so.

6..My friends. I'll keep it short because, well let's be honest I make most things rather wordy. But can I just say this...I have some pretty incredible friends. I have friends I've known forever,  friends I've known for a year, friends that are neighbors, and friends that are facetime/skype friends. Truth is something happened about the time Liv was born, God answered my life long prayer for intentional, honest, genuine, love me for me, cheer me on, pray for me, funny, thoughtful, incredibly talented, smart, beautiful, friends. Some were new to my world, while others had been there a while but our friendships took on a whole new face, they became so much better than ever before. I never thought I'd have the kind of friends I have, and I seriously could not express properly my gratitude for those who love me for me, and those who I love so fervently. 

ummm that wasn't supposed to rhyme, I swear! 

7. Last today, I am thankful for God's provision. It's one thing to pray for things, to have dreams,  but it's another with they come to fruition. God takes care of all the details. Not only did he give me an opportunity to make extra income, but he provided the technology to do so. My laptop, it's not a 2K mac, but it's nice and it works. I have a phone, although the battery is being held to the phone by tape (peace out t-mobile in t-minus 10 days) but it works and it allows me all the resources to do my job from anywhere. Today I'm thankful for all the ways that God provides, the ways that most days we all seem to overlook. I need nothing in this moment, I have more than I'll ever need, and so today, I wanted to spend my hours just being grateful for exactly what is in front of me. 

It was a hard fought battle, to shake off the thoughts and feelings I woke up with, but I leaned on God and He told the devil to shove it. He fights for me, He loves me, and He is faithful to all of His promises. I mean really how cool is that?!?!?

Happy HAPPY Tuesday!!!

Two ears one mouth

So this one time, not too long ago I was talking to Derek about who knows what. I was rambling on, as I sometimes always do, and he looked at me with this huge smile and said, "Honey have you ever thought about why God gave us two ears and one mouth?" I being the genius that I am said, "um yes Derek..." in a rude sarcastic tone, "it's to remind us to listen twice as much as we talk." To which he said, again with a huge smile on his face, "honey why don't you take that literally!" And the word 'why' in that sentence wasn't a question, it was a not so gentle suggestion.

So here I am tonight, having so much to say in response to your comments, IG's, and texts, and also just because the whole not being on facebook thing makes me want to write like crazy! But I thought it be best to heed husbands advice and spend the next couple hours listening to what God's probably been trying to tell me, while I've been talking most of the day :)

However before I go I do have one small thing to post, well I guess in terms of characters on a page it will be small, but in fact the subject matter is on the single biggest thing in my life

Today a sweet IG friend saw my post and inquired about my relationship with God, or not so much my relationship, but how one goes about starting up a relationship with God. Here's a bit of what I said to her, just to give insight into why I am posting this...

Can I just tell you that I had to re-read your comment a few times… I had to re-read it for two reasons… 1. I find the courage, honesty, and vulnerability of you asking that like honestly one of the most beautiful things EVER!!! 1000% honesty, I smiled SO big and imagine God did too, at the idea that you even asked that question. Could you imagine if we all approached things we were unsure of in the same manner you just did! I mean how flippin cool would that be??!?! Before I move to point #2 I just have to tell you thank you. By you writing what you did, I was inspired, completely, totally, inspired! #2 I had to re-read your post because if I can be honest and transparent, I feel totally intimidated to answer that question, I feel completely unqualified to answer that in fear I may say something wrong or even worse that I might say something stupid!! Ha! In fact I think that’s part of what Christians struggle with. I think the enemy keeps us wanting to judge, and correct other believers to prevent us from sharing our truths, our very unique and personal walk with God. I’m determined to do my part to keep that from happening so I will answer your question on my blog, to the best of my ability. I would write it here, but I may get kicked off of instagram for exceeding the word limit :) Please never stop asking questions, and being the positive encouraging person you are, I need it, and I’m certain many others to do!!! xoxo

Okay so here it goes. In short because I want to allow room for God to fill in the blanks. Oh and please PUUULEASE know that these are my personal thoughts and experiences. Not now, nor ever will I even pretend to be someone who has all the answers, or even some of the answers. If you have a different answer to this question, please feel free to share, as my heart is always open to hear what others have experienced, just please do it with love!

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I think we all find God in different places. I think that many people would tell you to go to a church. Sit through worship, meet other believers, go to the beginner courses that many churches offer, and dive right in. Talk to people, ask them quesitons, be honest about where you are at and what you are looking for. Be open to the fact that there are a million different churches out there and there will proabably be one that suits you better than others. I think that similarly to those who start at a new school, the orientation, is similar. Starting your search for God would probably be easiest in a church setting.

I think others may tell you, since you mentioned it's been a very long time since you had been to church, to open up a bible, start reading, and start praying.

I think some may tell you to ease into it, to start off with a Christian radio station or two, or maybe possibly a short and easy read devotional. To find a comfortable place where you feel you can ease in and find God. And to the contrary others may tell you to dive in head first, and get crazy with it. Change your radio stations, go to church, seek out Christian friends, and get excited to be overtaken by God and His love.

I think all of these answers are right, because I believe they have all describe ways people have found the Lord. In fact to me that is one of the things I love the very most about God, He can reveal Himself to you in the coolest most unique ways, and He will absolutely love on you WHEREVER you are at. There are so many ways to start up a relationship with God, but for me the beauty, and majesty of God is that I don't have to go somewhere or be anything special for Him to envelope me. He's already there, patiently, lovingly waiting there for you, to love on you and walk with you through this crazy life. If you were to ask me, this is what I would say...

Find quiet, or put on music that moves your soul, the kind that almost brings you to tears, get in a place where you can just be. Talk out loud, or talk internally, and just let the flood of all that's on your heart be spoken. Don't try to sound proper, don't pay attention to how silly you may feel, just talk. Tell Him what you fear, what you are looking for, what you need, and that you want to know him more. Ask Him to reveal himself to you, and He will. It may be huge and obvious, or possible more subtle, but either way he will. Take solace in the fact, that this God you want to know more of, He's real, and He already loves you exactly as you are right this second. Don't feel pressured to "feel" an instant reaction, or response, just exercise a little faith that He is listening, and He knows your heart. Before you rush past this sacred soul time, just take a few moments to really think what you want to think, and feel what you feel. I imagine like most people you have journaled before, or possibly poured your heart out to a best friend. To me this conversation with God, it goes a lot like that. Just because you can't see him doesn't mean he's not there, and just as it is when journaling, putting words to what's on your heart requires patience, and the kindness to know that anything you say or feel is accepted and okay.

Then from here I would say do what you feel led to do. Be it go to church, pick up a Christian book, turn on Christian radio (104.9, 101.9, 89.1, 107.9), or seek out Christians you may know.

Someone very wise once told me that a relationship with God is just like any other relationship, in the way of courting and getting to know them. When you first meet someone you take it slow, but are also open and eager to learning about them. You don't go into it with a ton of expectations but more excitement than anything else. Just be patient and kind to yourself knowing that God is love, His ways are perfect, and His timing is perfect.

Last I would tell you that you freakin rock!!! You were so beautifully and wonderfully made, and if that doesn't mean anything to you now you must know if you continue on this journey it absolutely will someday!

At risk of sounding cliché, I have a lot of awesome book suggestions you might like, I happen to have been to a few churches in ID and Spokane that I would be happen to attend with you. I do attend a church out here by my house, but I would love to join you if ever you wanted to try somewhere else out but didn't feel comfortable going alone. I also have friends at many other churches and I could always introduce you if you would like that. Wherever this journey takes you just know I'm here, as a friend, who finds it crucial that you don't feel like you're going at it all alone!

Praying for you my sweet friend! Praying you find your own special and unique way to the Lord and that you find a whole lot of love on the way!

xoxo