My clenching fist...

When I started blogging I remember making a promise to myself that I would always try to be my most authentic self, of course there are private intimate things that I will not share, but what I do chose to share I want to be 100% honest about. I am using these blogs as a scrapbook and journal and I never want to look back on these posts and see that I tried to appear to have it all together all of the time, nothing could be further from the truth-case in point, today!

Maybe it is the lack of sleep I have had the last few nights,  maybe it's just an off day, maybe it's part of being a first time mommy, or maybe my feelings and fears are just closer to the surface today. Whatever the reason, my heart is heavy. I am having one of those days where I want to cuddle baby Liv into a little ball on my chest and have someone use one of the swaddle sacks we have and swaddle us together forever! I Can't kiss her enough and stare at her enough and take enough pictures, and I know most people say that is all very typical of a excited first time mommy, but today I am not doing those things out of excitement but more out of fear. Fear of losing my baby. I don't know if it is because of the 550 blogs I read while I was pregnant but I am all to familiar with the intense pain thousands of mommy's just like me experience because of the loss of a child. Not only do I fear losing her to SIDS, disease, accident etc but I fear losing her to time, to her growing up too fast, faster than I can keep up. I fear losing her to this crazy world, to the disease of low self esteem, peer pressure, and mean nasty girls. To be totally raw and honest today I am struggling with fear for my baby. I have never known a love like this, I mean I am a suuuper passionate person especially or should I say mostly when it comes to people. I love hard. I have loved many people deeply, passionately, and sometimes painfully but I have never felt this kind of love, the kind of love that makes me so incredibly happy and so insecure all at the same time. The part of this fear that I am struggling the most with is knowing that as a believer I should never love anything more than the Lord. And no matter how I try to package it for others to see the truth is the Lord knows my heart and He knows that I am feeling more love for this baby than anyone including Him. Now don't get me wrong I love my husband and my family and my friends and I love God SOOO much but the current love that is consuming me is my love for my little precious nuggy. So how appropriate that I look at my devotionals for each day and the one I read first, the one I forgot to read a few days ago was the following...

Entrust your loved ones to me; release them into My protective care. They are much sager with Me than in your clinging hands. If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one -as well as yourself. Remember the extreme measures I used with Abraham and Isaac. I took Isaac to the very point of death to free Abraham from son-worship. Both Abraham and Isaac suffered terrible because of the father's undisciplined emotions. I detest idolatry, even in the form of parental love. When you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand. As you entrust others into My care, I am free to shower blessings on them. my presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest. This presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me. Watch to see what I will do.

Those words were like a blanket of peace over my anxious soul. So I read it again. Entrust your loved ones to me; release them into My protective care. So I close my tear filled eyes see baby's face, see my heavenly fathers arms reaching out for her, and I let go.

There is no doubt that I will have to continuously let go of my little angel, no doubt that this world will rear its ugly head and make itself known to my baby girl. But in those moments when it takes everything I have not to put her in a little ball in the palm of my hand and clench it tight, I will hold her close with love not fear, and declare that you my child are protected, you are in the arms of the Lord and He has the ability to protect you and heal you. I am just here to guide you and comfort you and show you how to look up to the heavens and see the God that is keeping you safe.

Thank you Lord for showing me this pure and perfect love. Thank you for reminding me that you are in control and I am not to fear.

Nuggy's 2 months...craaaaazy and sad!

What a bittersweet day it was. Yesterday was my sweet Miss Olivia's two month b-day. I am so grateful and so sad. Sad that two months have passed, that time really does go by that fast. Grateful because I have had 2 amazing, INCREDIBLE, unforgettable, life changing two months with our perfect nuggy. I feel grateful because there are mommy's who never got to see there baby's smile, or laugh, or cry, or grunt like a pig during tummy time. There are mommy's who mourn the loss of their babies, and mommy's who never got to be mommy's but grieve at the thought of what never was. I am grateful that God entrusted us with this gift and grateful that I know what it feels like to fall asleep and wake up to the one thing earthly thing that is pure and perfect. But why God allowed me these moments, why I have experienced this blessing, I may never know.

 This day also happened to be the 10 year anniversary of Sept 11th terrorist attacks, and in some ways I felt guilty that on this very day while I am all googly eyed over my little miracle, there are thousands with broken hearts, crocodile tear filled eyes, and spirits still heavy at the loss of their loved ones. My heart breaks for them, breaks more than I can put into words. For a moment I felt like I shouldn't indulge in the joy of spending time with my husband and baby but then I also feel like it is all I can do to honor those who lost their loved ones, and soak up every single second I have with mine! So I did, and it was joyful and painful.

Two months! seriously TWO months?!?!? that sounds so old, like may as well be 16 in my eyes, but thank GOD its not! I refuse to transfer to months as it sounds too old, I will go by weeks, and my baby is a young and precious 9 weeks old. And you Miss Nuggy Bug are changing and surprising me every day!

You know me and daddy and that makes me swoon!!! You see us and your face lights up, YOUR face lights up! It's no secret that when we look at you ours lights up but to see you reciprocate and really know that you are smiling because you like to see us and not just because you have gas makes life seem a little to sweet to be true. I have immersed myself in the world of daddy and nuggy and let me tell you I don't ever want that to change. Watching you grow and caring for your every need has made me feel joy I have never known! You are two months my little angel pie and you are right on track...Here's what your crazy little self is up to....

you are somewhat on a sched. But just when you hear mama brag about it you switch it up on me. You sleep one 5 hour stretch followed by two 2-3 hours stretches after that one. You nap 3 times a day and like to eat and play in between. You like to play in your bouncy seat with your friends, mister monkey, lion and hippo. You like the lion the best because he plays the cool jams that you like to groove to. You "stand up" when mommy holds you upright. You are starting to have quite the grip and have even pulled my hair, which I dont mind bc your little hand is precious AND because mommy can use to lose a hair or two. You are now eating formula and breast because after a craaaaazy growth spurt mama's boobies just weren't doing it for ya as much as they used to. You smile these smiles that make everyone melt and talk some serious baby talk to get you to smile more. You hear the phrase, "Tell me about it!" nothing short but 53 times a day because when we do that you try to tell us stories, the most interesting and hilarious stories ever told. You are approx 11.7 lbs according to our home scale, 22 inches long, in size 1 diaper, and in newborn and 0-3, and 3 month clothes just depending on the brand. Your newborn wardrobe was too cute but your 3 month wardrobe is fabulous! Often times I dress you and then sit in awe of your cuteness and ability to pull every outfit and every color off flawlessly, and why wouldn't you you are thee Nuggy Buggy!!!! You are starting to have more distinguished cry's that let mommy and daddy know when you are tired, hungry, or just plain annoyed. You kind of don't really dig daddy when you are really upset, and often times when your face hits mommy's chest its TKO. Daddy gets jealous. Mommy doesn't mind. :) You had your first mommy inflicted injury when I lifted you to smell your booty to see if it was poopy and I knocked your noggin right on the lights hanging over the table. You cried and so did mommy. I think it hurt mommy the most. You are holding your head up soooo well although I must say you think tummy time is pretty lame!!! You either fold your hands under your little cheeks and go nigh night, or you use that powerful little voice of yours to let me know that TUMMY TIME IS LAME!!!!!!

At two months you have changed so much. You are already the most beautiful, special, kind, intelligent, loving, selfless, funny, wonderful little human I have ever known. You have brought joy and laughter to this house and many a days I smile from sun up to sun down. I know that God is protecting you and providing for your every need and helping you become the precious little Olivia you were created to be, and your daddy and I just feel blessed that He wanted us to be your caretakers here on earth. We are excited to continue to watch you grow and flourish. We love you baby O love you love you love you!!!!!