I've never thought much about the relationships between my emotions. I've never given much, nor enough attention to what happens when my emotions collide. I'm not really that great at holding thoughts captive, and I'm really not great and taming my tongue. If I'm honest, what I think I almost always let myself feel, and what I feel I almost always let myself say. In terms of discipline, in this area of my life there really isn't much of it.
I would say I'm a person of faith, that Jesus is my savoir, that I once was blind but now I see, so to speak. But it wasn't until the past few days that I've really wondered if all that is true? Is there fruit of that self proclaimed personal truth, or are these just lofty words that come out of my mouth in the name of great spirituality. I love Jesus, I believe in him, and I have accepted him into my heart, and into my life. I know some of what the bible says about Jesus, but I know A LOT more about what my favorite well known pastors say about Jesus. And for years this has gotten me through, and gotten me by. On rough days I think about praying, but I mostly just listen to sermons and vox my prayer warrior friends and ask them to pray. When I'm in doubt of something I seek answers from my trusty companion Google, and when I'm feeling stressed I make 76 different to-do lists to try and gain a sense of control. The thing is I say that I'm saved, which I believe I am, but I'm not sure that I'm really living as though Jesus is my Savior.
When I gave birth to my firstborn I also gave birth to fear, a fear I'd never known before. A fear of cancer, and death, a fear of colds and flu's, car accidents, emotional scars, and negative outside influences, just to name a few. I knew of these fears before her, but it wasn't until she was born that I gave them a space and a claim in my life. In many ways I had to move Jesus over to the side to make room for these fears, and then consequently had to move him over a little more to make room for all of my self controlling ways- the ways in which I could prevent, protect, and combat each one of these fears.
See I had Jesus, I just put him in a compartment and sat him next to my fear. I knew of his love and his grace, of his protections and promises, I just didn't think they fit in the same box as the fears that were beginning to rule my life.
I've lived like this for three years.
Fear has been my God, and my attempt to control and combat fear has become my religion.
The more fear that I took on the more I forgot about Jesus. The more dark I discovered in this world, the less I made of Jesus' light.
And now, on the corner of fear and faith, you will find me. Searching and praising, pleading, and purging. On the corner of fear and faith you will find a woman who like many others, has discovered that fear is ruling her life, that fear is her God.
And the very sneaky thing I'm learning about fear is that it doesn't always look like fear. In fact often times fear dresses itself up as being intellegent, being cautious and wise, prepared, and in control. Fear can some how seep into the parts of you that you think you're certain of and cause confusion and chaos without you even knowing it. Fear can be debilitation and big, and it can also be subtle and unknowingly all consuming. I've been consumed in many ways by this sly and stealth little thief of joy, and up until now I don't think I realized that it's coming and going, it's staying or leaving forever is not just a matter of me declaring war and putting on a brave face. Fear will not flee at the sounds of a Joyce Meyer sermon, and fear cannot be overcome by to do lists, natural medicine, large bank accounts, or a million affirmations from the people who love you. In order for fear to die you must make a place where faith can live. In order for fear to fail you must overcome it with a true and intentional, steadfast faith- not faith in man, not faith in this world, faith in Jesus.
The thing about fear and faith is that they simply cannot coexist. You must make a choice, everyday, every hour, which road you'll start walking down, and though you can switch directions at any moment, you cannot walk them both at the same time.
I've lived these past three years doing an impossible dance, filling my mind with blogs, social media, and a million articles on everything from housekeeping to marriages and parenting. I've watched this world spin faster and faster and nearly killed myself to keep up. I've longed for peace, for the kind of bravery that sets a soul free, but I've unknowingly bargained with the devil to find it! I've been given a voice and I've been afraid to use it, I've been given a zest for life and I've spent more time stifling it than putting it into motion. I've been given gifts I don't use, or acknowledge, and I've been given dreams I'm too timid to dream. That's what fear will do, it'll make you fixate on the longings of your heart, and then lure you in the very opposite direction of God's voice.
At the If: Gathering this past weekend Bianca Olthoff said, "Results are God's responsibility, but response is ours." I never knew until recently that thing I've been responding to is my fear, not God. God didn't give me a spirit of fear, he didn't desire me to live small and meek, safe and guarded. God gave me a heart the size of Texas, so I could go to the dark, unsafe corners of this world and love on those who are lost. God gave me a voice, not to use to give life to my fears, but to speak life over those He places in front of me. God didn't give me a healthy body to protect out of paranoia of disease and injury. God gave me a body to put my footprints all over this world in efforts to spread his good news. God wrote my story, it's been written, and it is good. And while there will be hardships, and moments of pain and suffering, no where in my story did he write for me to stay still- to hold onto and hold back all that he's given me so that I can stay safe. I've been saved by Jesus which means no matter where I go, no matter what I do, ultimately I am safe. Rather I leave here tomrorrow, or when I'm 102 I'm going home to him, to live forever.
Playing it safe will no longer be my story, I'm going for broke. I want to be wrung out and exhausted of all my gifts. Fear was overwhelming for me, and it has robbed me of some of my time here on earth, but fear was and my God is. He is with me, and His road of faith I will walk. New things can be hard, but with him I can do hard things.
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