My head is so full. I have about 1600 blog posts floating around in my head, I have pics I want to document, stories I want to tell, and funny random things I want to write down so I can read them and laugh 60 years from now. But in true me fashion, I am posting what's heavy on my heart and mind right now, today.Which isn't always as easy as it should be.
I struggle with my blogging identity, in some ways very similarly to the way I struggle with my own identity. I want so badly to define myself in one sentence, which as I'm saying that out loud I realize is suuuper ridiculous. Who can be defined in once sentence? Who can be completely boxed away to one category? Well regardless, I try, and failing at it drives me crazy. I digress
There are so many, "this is what's on my heart" moments, so many times I think, "ooh I need to blog about this, get it all out," but I don't because I don't want to pigeon hole myself in that way. I don't want my blog to become a serious blog, or a analytical blog. Apparently I have set some standard for myself that this blog has to be categorized, and since I can't seem to categorize the kind of person I am, you can imagine the identity crisis of my blog eludes me. However in the past couple days, because of this ridiculous self inflicted frustration, I decided to stop and think about why it is I blog in the first place.
While many answers initially came out, this is the truth of it all. I blog because I need to, because I like to. I do NOT want to be some major blogger, I don't care to ever be compensated monetarily for blogging, or even hope my blog ever gains tons and tons of readers. It's not that I am saying that any of that would be awful, it's just not where my heart is at; and I think in order to stay true to who I am I needed to identify that that is not the purpose of my blog. In response to sharing my heart here on this blog, I have had some incredible emails, and phone calls. I have been able to connect with a few people I don't believe I would have otherwise connected with, and for that I'm totally grateful. But if I write to please, if I write in hopes that everyone who reads it will love it, and love me more, I may as well cut my hands off now. It would be the death of me. So for the very few who read this and the very few in the future who may stumble upon this blog please know, I write for me, for my family, for my sanity, and because if I'm really honest, this is one facet of who I am. I'm analytical, deep, passionate, and have an undying need to express these things, as a release for me; and yes I chose to express these parts of me with a tiny hope that maybe sometimes, in God ordained moments, someone will be comforted, or possibly inspired. I don't believe we should live alone, in fact I think everything we experience in life is on purpose, and sometimes the purpose is that someone else can benefit. So I share, and I'll continue to do so from here on out, without titles, and categories, and fears of what others will think.
With that said....
________________________________________________________
I remember when I was just shy of eight weeks pregnant my mom and aunt bought me, "what to expect when you're expecting." And if I'm honest I was THRILLED! The title alone, soothed my many nights of asking just that quesiton, "What am I supposed to expect?" Foolishly, I felt comforted, like I could from that point on stop wondering and worrying and just rest in the predictability of that which has been laid out for me in this book. Of course a few months later, while the book was very helpful in some areas, I realized what all mother's learn at some point...No one can tell you what to expect, it is different for each of us, and although we wish it were true, there are no books out there that can relieve us from having to navigate through our own ever changing expectations, not in parenting, not in love, and not in life. But don't we all at times, in different areas of our lives, wish that there were a book for that? I've struggled with this most my life, in fact I believe we all do. Great expectations can be the cause for both major successes and major failures. I think for some they struggle with the expectations of physical appearance, "this is what I should look like, this is what I should dress like." For others it's money, and all the materialistic things they think they should have. For some I believe it is occupation, the standard of all they should accomplish in life, and for many I am certain it is relationships. "this is what my love life should look like, what my relationship with my family should be like, what my spouse should be like, and what my friendships should do and be for me." We all have them in some area. They are there, and rather we know it or not they very much govern the way we live, and the lens in which we view are lives.
I would like to say no one tells us what to expect, that it is actually just engrained in who we are, but I don't entirely think that is true. I think especially in today's world via facebook, instagram, pinterest, blogs, etc. We create our expectations by what we see from other people. We see happy marriages, successful jobs, large homes, fabulous clothing, excellent parenting, incredible friendships, all lived out in front of us. So in response we pick and chose what we want, what we wish for, and we expect those same things for our lives.
I don't struggle so much with money, I mean I'd love to have more but I don't think and dream about it, I don't obsess over fashion, or my car, my home, or even my occupational status. And while I'd be lying if I said I had zero expectation for those things in my life, it is relatively quite low compared to my relationships. You see for me people are my passion and my poison. I have, since I can remember, always had great great expectations for what my relationships with others will be like; and consequently it's no wonder I have, since I can remember, been greatly disappointed so many times in these relationships. Truth is, I have taken these great expectations and put them on every single relationship I've been in. Yes, every. single. one. I have such a ridiculous love for people, and desire to be loved in return, I have set every friend, every family member and every boyfriend, up to these standards. I wanted my real life relationships to be like the wonderful, outrageous, out of control awesome relationships that I had created and expected in my head. I've seen movies, heard songs, read books, and with the invent of social media, seen all of these relationships lived out in front of me, and I set my expectations accordingly. I always wanted that token, sisterhood type friendship like the girls in the movie Now and Then, the heart stopping true love like so many relationships I saw in blogs and facebook, and I've also wanted that unspeakable bond, and unconditional love that can only be shared between sisters.
It's not that I never had any of these things, or don't have them today, because I did and I do in some respects. But if I'm honest I've also found myself disappointed that certain people never ended up living up to my expectations. Some boys I hoped would love me, didn't. Some friends, who I hoped would want to be my bff, didn't, and even some family relationships that I hoped would turn out differently...they didn't! And up until recently I never realized how the disappointment of these things have greatly effected me, possibly in the same way those who chase money, or beauty, are effected when their expectations are not met.
I want to make it clear that I don't feel expectations are bad, in fact I think it can be very self deprecating, and lacking in faith, to not believe that you are worthy of good, and of love. I believe God wants us to be loved and wants us to desire, and even expect that we can have some of those things He has laid on our hearts, even if it be silly, and sometimes trivial. But in the very same way, I believe that when things in our lives, the beautiful blessings that sometimes are only supposed to be ours for a season, are measured up to the great expectations in our heads, we will unequivocally without fail be disappointed. The problem with expectations, especially when they are with people, is so often you have put them on people without them ever even knowing, so you find yourself disappointed, while at the very same time, that other person can be totally oblivious that you even care. Having great expectations is a slippery slope of let down, and a very clever tool the enemy uses, and is using currently in my life, to destroy certain relationships, that either were never meant to be more than they are, OR relationships that God intentionally brought to me for a specific and life giving purpose.
So here's what I've concluded, after all of these reflective moments, and great God divined revelations.
I must stop going into my relationships with expectations, and in a very contradictory way, if I must have expectations, I should expect that no one in this world will be able to perfectly meet every expectation I have for them. I have learned that just as I need to get rid of these insane utopian pictures of how it should be, or how I want it to be, I also need to know when to stop. If I'm trying to force a square peg in a round hole, and putting a lot of effort into relationships where there is zero reciprocation, then I need to identify that maybe I was never supposed to be closer with them than I am. Expectation need be removed, so that loving where we are at can begin. If I do this, if I start approaching my relationships like this then I also feel that God will have more room to be in control, I can start directing my efforts of expectation into seeking His purpose and His will for all that is in my life.
I often write things about myself, that some would never dare reveal. I know it makes some uncomfortable, it makes some look at me differently, and for some it makes them feel a little less alone. I am okay with all of those responses. Truth be told, if you judged my life or anyone elses by pictures alone, you could possibly assume that most of the time I have it all together, that somehow my life doesn't have messy parts. This simply isn't true, and it's always been important to me that I make this known. I am flawed, and very very human. Sometimes my 'humanness' doesn't look exactly like the person next to me, but it is there and it is real. My hope is when I leave this world people will know me a little better than just what I put in my Instagram feed. I hope after I'm gone, I leave a legacy of a life lived real, and authentic. That people will have known that among many things, I always tried to fully embrace the evolution of who I am, and that there is no shame in living out loud, for all to see.
So there you have it, a struggle, a sin, a stronghold the enemy has had on me for many years, laid out on paper. So so excited to see what the Lord will do with it now that I have decided to lay it all at His feet.
My 2013 prayer and resolution was to better live out a Corinthians kind of love. I do believe that by surrendering these great expectations, I will experience this love in ways I never have before. I want to love better, I am on my way.
No comments:
Post a Comment