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I recently heard a story of a young, beautiful girl being called fat at school. When it came time for her mom to handle the situation, among many things she could have said, and possibly did say, she asked her daughter this question, "How do you feel about yourself, do you feel like you are fat?" When the daughter then replied with a confident, "No!" The mom said, "well good! Because all that matters is how you see yourself!

 

I thought about this story all weekend long. I just couldn't get over, A. how well, I feel the mother handled it, and B. what an  

INCREDIBLE thing it was to teach her child in that moment.... All that matters is how YOU see yourself!!!

 

I think I could end the blog post right there and call it a day. I mean there is so much right there in that sentence, it really speaks volumes! But I have to keep typing because this topic, this sentence has cap stoned, a slew of thoughts and feelings I have been wrestling with since I gave birth to my daughter.

 

The concept of self love in our culture of women is skewed, jaded at best. Putting emphasis on how you see yourself is not unfamiliar to us. We are told we should be happy with ourselves from every other jack, Jill, and sally in this world. We are told to embrace what we have, who we are, and live comfortably in our own skin. Yet really, while this is something we are told, it is not what is taught or exemplified in this world. Truth is our society, women and girls alike have been taught this confusing contradiction of, 'be confident' AND 'think low enough of yourself that no one else feels threatened by you!' I saw it growing up every single day. The girls with the super low self esteem ended up riding on the coattails of the girls who seemed to have enough confidence for the entire class. The girls that thought they were ugly and stupid and unlovable were either seen as so weak they were annoying or just insecure enough to make all the "confident" girls feel good about themselves. Insecurity is a miserable place where no one sets out to live, yet living confidently can be such a scary risky place, we tend to keep a safe distance.

 

Our world of women can be so tricky, so impossible at times. Out of our own insecurity, we struggle with the level of happiness and confidence other women have. We critique, make fun of, judge or get annoyed by women who seem happy all the time, yet we aren't drawn to being friends with the person who is negative, or constantly showing their insecurities either. Us women are so concerned with how we are being perceived by others, or at least a couple other people, that we fight back the urge to be our truest, most authentic selves.

 

I think our authentic self feels pretty sometimes, heck maybe most of the time. I think our true self, thinks our children are wonderful, gorgeous little creatures  AND that every thinks the same thing, and if they don't they should! I think our true self feels happy about a new car, a promotion, a hot husband, or the way their new red skinnies fit them. I think if we are honest with ourselves, we all wish that we lived in a world where it was a little bit more okay to be real. To say one day, my kid is driving me crazy, without fear that others will think you aren't a perfect mother, while the next day posting 23 pictures of your sweet little babes on facebook without the fear that others will think you are annoying, obsessed with your kid, or quite possibly trying to overcompensate. I think a lot of us would like to post a selfie pic from time to time and not have to question for a half an hour before you post it if you should post it at all, in fear that people will think you are conceited or in love with yourself. (I mean can you IMAGINE!?!?!) I think in this world of comparison's, sizing each other up, and breaking each other down in the name of making ourselves feel better, we should instead practice loving ourselves, out loud, without fear for all to see.

 

I believe if we took the time and effort to get so comfortable in our skin that we apologized less for the times we are rightfully celebrating our joy, and the good God has given... we will then become much better at rightfully apologizing for the times when we are unkind, judgemental, unloving, and unsupportive. In fact I think the more time we spend loving ourselves with no apologies, the critiques of others be it out loud, or in our own heads would be much less.

 

I know for me personally, I struggle with this all the time. As a child I was a weird blend of confident and insecure. I had bold tendencies, urges to be myself and put myself out there, yet I was also very observant and would quickly put myself down the second I sensed I was being judged. I was born a glass have full person, some have called me flowery. So my tendency most days is to try to make lemonade when there are lemons, because that's just who I innately am. However it wasn't very far in to elementary years when I realized that girls didn't like girls who seemed to like themselves or their lives. So I began to drown deep in pit of all that was wrong with me. I became so insecure with myself that I actually lost friends for... get this... being insecure! I was told I was too sensitive, and needed to "toughen up," I was made fun of when I thought I looked pretty, yet totally walked all over when I walked with my head down. You see so much of how we see ourselves, from a very young age, comes from how others view us. Of course this isn't for every single girl out there, but I would venture to say it is this way for the vast majority. It seems for me, and many women out there we spend many of our days trying to find the perfect middle, somewhere between shamefully insecure, and obnoxiously confident. We want to be acceptable, love able, and relateable so much so, we find ourselves apologizing for our complaining, AND our praising. We are trying to not be a debbie downer, while also trying to not be "too happy" and confident.

 

I recently overheard a conversation between some girls I didn't know. One of them was commenting on a picture the other girl had posted, while saying, " oh my gosh I would never post a picture of myself, just me! That would be so embarrassing and awkward." This might seem weird to you but it totally made me sad, because you know how many times I have overheard conversations where every single girl in the group is ragging on herself, totally ripping themselves apart, " I suck at this..." I look fat," etc etc. No one blinks an eye when we are putting ourselves down, but man could you imagine if a group full of women were standing around and someone belted out, "I love how my hair looks today, it's so shiny and soft," or, " I feel really pretty in this dress." I think the majority of women would start  to wiggle a bit, have to get their barrings straight, and try to compute what just happened... someone just flat out complimented themself. Whaaaaat?!?!??! I mean I know some of you reading it are like, umm yeah that would be weird. But think about it, if we lived in a world where it was okay to love ourselves, and occasionally even love ourselves out loud, so many things would be different. If we ALL felt comfortable, or for the most part comfortable with loving our selves, flaws, mistakes, bad days and all, we wouldn't be so dang threatened, or annoyed by other women doing the same.

 

I have watched as I've gotten older women filter themselves so much, myself included. We try so hard not to be too much of one thing, not too sensitive, or too sarcastic, or too confident, or too insecure. You can vent about your marriage but not too much, and you can boast about a good day, but not too often. You can facebook pics, but not too many, and don't get me started on those selfies, and you can compliment others just not too much. We are trying to hover somewhere in the middle so much so that our true selves are totally being ignored, and once ignored too long, you completely forget who you are, or worse take on the role of being someone you're not!

 

So here's the deal, I'm not saying that there isn't TREMENDOUS value in having humility. That there isn't something so gracious and lovely, about someone who doesn't need to find their worth or value in physical appearances, or praises of others. I pray for humility, for a selfless focus all the time- but along with that I have started praying for love for myself; the kind of love I'm not afraid to talk about and share out loud. I pray that I can see the beauty in my life, my circumstances, who I am, AND even what I look like. The Lord said I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image, and I know he doesn't tell me that for no reason. I believe humility is the key to many MANY things in life, but equally so I think confidence in yourself, who God is and who he made you to be is the key to many things as well.

 

Confident people don't feel the need to talk poorly about others because it does nothing for them, they are already full. Confident people don't need to hear how pretty they are to feel valued, yet they aren't afraid to admit that sometimes it feels good to hear it. Confident people, don't sell themselves out, don't sell themselves short, and don't do things out of desperation. They know what they have, they know who they are, and they are okay with others having a win. Confident people don't feel threatened, or embarrassed, or vulnerable when complimenting other people, because loving is so much easier when you love yourself. In our world, we bully, we intimidate, we betray, we cheat, we lie, we put down, we shame, and we make fun of others. We are a culture of insecure lost souls in many ways, and the root I believe, is lost love. We've lost our love for God, our love for ourselves, and consequently our love for each other. And as a mommy who just brought a child into this world 19 months ago, I feel an insane amount of responsibility to do my part to change this.

 

I have to now more than ever practice love. I said in January that my new year's resolution was to better live a first Corinthians love- a love that doesn't boast, doesn't blame, isn't prideful. I found the Mother Teresa quote about, "do ________ anyway" and I thought this is it, I MUST love better! What I didn't realize, until a few weeks ago, is that God is wanting me to learn this very love for myself. I have a horrible habit of making excuses for self pics, pretending like I don't think I look pretty, didn't do something well, etc, etc, etc. I mean my love language is words of affirmations, and if I am thinking something kind and loving about someone, I swear I will implode if I'm not able to say it, yet receiving kind words for myself...forget it! When someone compliments me I instantly think, oh crap I hope they don't think I think I'm pretty, or crap I hope they don't think I think my life is perfect, etc. I am still caught in the cycle of trying to be me, just not too much of me, that God is stepping in, and I can tell this work he is going to do is going to be huge!

 

I know that in the end of all of this, people wont remember much of me except how I made them feel, and I hope and pray what I make other's feel is positive, but in order to do this, in order to love in this way, I am going to love myself the same way. If I am to raise a daughter who will impact this world of women in a positive way then I must start now. I want to teach her that very same lesson, that in the end, regardless of what that boy tells you, or what those girls were calling you, or what your boss yelled at you......all that matters in the end is how you and God see you!