What I'm loving Wednesday-Part 1

I almost closed my computer...too much to say...too much to do, and I'm tired. Buuuut this little part of me wanted to prove to myself that I can infact do something consistently, every week if nothing else. So here I am posting again, just in time for my What I'm loving Wednesday.

 

Although I'm actually cheating, I'm not quite done with my original WILW post but I must get rested up for our big playdate tomorrow. I mean it's the who's who of playdates (I've totally wanted to say that line, although I didn't expect to say it about playdates, especially when I've only heard it used in conversations about celebrity's and very affluent business mogels.)  We will get to see Cruz and Pepper, Avy and Palmer, Addy Jo, baby brother in Mama's bell, and sweet Ella, and of course my awesome girlfriends too. Side note: not only do my friends have the cutest kids, but their kids have the cuuutest names!

So anywhoo due to this crazy playdate just hours away, I am blogging a part 1 to my what i love wednesday. It is simple, but enough.

 

I'm loving Plumb, the Christian (maybe not formally classified as such) folky singer who used to be a mainstream alternative artist, but now frequents christian radio. Anywhoo, sorry about the boring deets, I am loving her new album. I was listenting today and found the song, or actually two. You know the one or two out of the entire album that you instantly turn up, and insert yourself in. The song that you can either totally relate to or wish you could totally relate to?! Well I found these two songs, and they made me think of D.

 

I love this man, in a real, honest, adoring, yet sometimes critical, and expecting way. We have been married mere minutes compared to so many, so I know our story in it's infancy,  but I do love him, all things considered, all things aside. He is my man, he is my Noah,

 

You're a bird, I'm a bird.

 

So part one of wilw, is he..the husband .

I highly suggest you listen to both these songs asap!

 

"Don't Deserve You"

You're the first face that I see
And the last thing I think about
You're the reason that I'm alive
You're what I can't live without
You're what I can't live without

You never give up
When I'm falling apart
Your arms are always open wide
And you're quick to forgive
When I make a mistake
You love me in the blink of an eye

I don't deserve your love
But you give it to me anyway
Can't get enough
You're everything I need
And when I walk away
You take off running and come right after me
It's what you do
And I don't deserve you

You're the light inside my eyes
You give me a reason to keep trying
You give me more than I could dream
And you bring me to my knees
You bring me to my knees

Your heart is gold and how am I the one
That you've chosen to love
I still can't believe that you're right next to me
After all that I've done

I don't deserve your love
But you give it to me anyway
Can't get enough
You're everything I need
And when I walk away
You take off running and come right after me
It's what you do
And I don't deserve you

I don't deserve a chance like this
I don't deserve a love that gives me everything
You're everything I want

I don't deserve your love
But you give it to me anyway
Can't get enough
You're everything I need
And when I walk away
You take off running and come right after me
It's what you do
And I don't deserve you
And I don't deserve you

 

"Chocolate & Ice Cream"

You love it when you are with me
I like to be where you are
I love it when you say baby
Let's go, take a drive
I'm chocolate and you are the ice cream
I love old movies at night
You can't sleep late or be lazy
I like to put my feet on yours
Until I fall asleep

Oh baby what we've got
We could never imagine
Would be so great
I bet it's just like heaven
And sometimes I feel like
I am dreaming
And wake up
And you're laying there
[x2]

I always forget where I'm goin'
You always know where we are
I can't leave out any details
And you forget them all
You can't sit still for a minute
You're hot and I'm always cold
You dress and you shower each morning
And I'm good to dress at all
But I'll grow old with you

Oh baby what we've got
We could never imagine
Would be so great
I bet it's just like heaven
And sometimes I feel like
I am dreaming
And wake up
And you're laying there
[x2]

Oh you say to me
That you are mine
And I am yours forever and ever
And ever
And I will say to you
That time and space
Could go away
And everything change
Nothing will change
The way I feel about you
I'm crazy for you

Oh baby what we've got
We could never imagine
Would be so great
I bet it's just like heaven
And sometimes I feel like
I am dreaming
And wake up
And you're laying there

 



What I'm loving Wednesday



Okay so here it is, I love themes. Like LOVE them, but I'm not good at them. What's that you didn't know you could suck at themes? Well you can and I do. I'm just not good at preparing, like crafting a month ahead, or planning an outfit weeks ahead of time, and I'm SO not very good at being consistent. Soooo with that said, it's almost comical that I'm jumping on the ol' blogging by themes idea. I won't be doing this for every day of the week, and surely I can't promise I will be doing this every wednesday but I am going to give it a shot, because there is so much I am loving these days; and I feel as though I need to share in case anyone is interested, and document it because I'm sure I'll love reading about my cauliflower pizza, or my homemade deodrant when I'm 90.

So without further ado... Here's what I am loooooooving.....

Oh and MAJOR disclaimer... because blogging unoriginality is all the craze these days. These ideas, recipes, etc are not mine, unfortunately I'm not super creative at coming up with recipes etc from scratch. Although I must say, it's super hard to tell who is original these days because of pinterst, blogs,etc. My opinion...who cares?!?! I mean I totally think people should be acknowledged for their creativity, 150%, but I don't care if someone's cookie recipe is thier own, or from some pin on their pinboard.... if it's good, I have no problem giving them credit. Basically I'm easily impressed, so the fact that you can even bake knocks my socks off.

So with that said, please know I got most of these ideas/recipes from some of my favorite blogs and pinterest. I don't remember the original info for every single idea because let's face it I pinterest alot AND have mommy brain so I'm doing the best I can with my works cited.

------------------------------------------------------------

CAULIFLOWER PIZZA

Seriously it's TDF. I can say with 100% honesty that I would be happy never eating regular pizza ever again after eating this. It's a delish and genius way to get a TON of veggies in one meal.

I got the "crust" recipe from a blog called Mom what's for dinner and it's called Cauliflower Cheesy Bread. As far as the rest of it, I kind of just made it how I saw fit. Sauce, veggies, cheese. Viola!

Oh and Nuggy loves love loves it. So mom friends try this out if you haven't already.



Oh and this AFTER pic obviously does NOT do it justice, but we were so excited to dig in we forgot to take a pic of it all pretty in the pan. 

POM POM'S

Really these don't need an explanation. They are my dessert crack. They are super addicting and super healthy. I pray when I become pregnant again, these become or should I say stay my obsession. If they become one of the millions of things I have aversions to while pregnant, I will CRY!  

REUTERI

Probiotics for the Livy babe.

True story, this stuff should be reccommended by every Dr. for every little one (IMHO)

This stuff helps to keep the little's regular, and TOTALLY helps with immunity.

I've been giving this to Nuggy, in a bottle with breast milk, formula, or now in her sippy cup with water, since she was just a couple months old, and she has only been constipated maybe 4 times, not to mention I swear up and down it has helped keep Liv from catching all the crap that has gone around the past 2 years.

COCONUT OIL

This should be an entirely seperate blog post because this stuff is pretty much gold. Like aside from gold, this is the greatest thing to come from our sweet earth.

While I know there are 5,729 uses for coconut oil I only want to tell you about those I am actually currently using.

As of right now I am soaking my head of hair in this stuff, and I seriously wish I could write a novel on my love for it.

 I am using, or have used Coconut oil in the following ways.

Lip balm, hair conditioner, Shampoo (see below), face wash (great for acne,scarring etc), moisturizer, lotion for myself and Nuggy, in my tea, in most of my food (major metabolism booster), as a healing agent for cuts, and for cracked heels. Honestly I couldn't even begin to spout off the millions of benefits from this stuff, or explain as well as others can, all the different elements of coconut oil that somehow make it moisturizing, antibacterializing, healing, metabolism boosting, etc, but let me tell you it's magic, and you should definitely go out and get yourself a jar! Oh and everyone says make sure to get the organic, cold pressed coconut oil, and it is pretty pricey at most stores, but not good ol Trader J's (I'm also obsessed with that place). It's $5.99 for a pint of organic, cold pressed coco oil.

Oh and I found out a ton of great ideas for CO on the wellness mama, crunchy betty, and love chugs blogs, to name a few.

APPLE CIDER VINEGAR

I first heard about this on Love Chugs, and then started reading all about this on Pinterest and good ol google. In short it too is pretty amazing, but not quite as delish.

I 've started taking 2 tbsp of it with water in the morning, along with a glass of warm water and lemon. I've read it cleanses your body, and does about 20 other beneficial things for your body.

I also spray it on my hair as a detangler. It helps keep your hair shiny and moisturized. The smell isn't the best but I have another spray leave in conditioner that helps mellow out the smell, and the shine/softness you hair has after using it makes up for the smell.

Lip Scrub

It's simple sally...brown sugar, or reg sugar, olive oil, and honey.

Need I say more.

Ha! I just saw this pic, and laughed that I said, "Need I say more?!" Ummm yes it looks gross, but I promise its so yummy and wonderful, and moisturizing for your lips.

HOMEMADE DEODRANT

I'm totally not even kidding you with this business. Long long story short, I have a hate hate relationship with deodrant. Not only does it, it being non organic stuff, have disgusting cancer causing ingredients but I swear it doesn't work...for like 99% of people. Most people still either have pit stains from sweating, OR, armpits that smell like (insert deodrant name here) and B.O. Once I found out how unhealthy deodrant can be, I set out to find the perfect organic one, and to no avail, I couldn't find it. I'm convinced it doesn't exist. So I stumbled upon one of my all time fave blogs, and saw a link to another great blog that sadly I can't remember the name of, and there I saw the recipe for Homemade coconut cinnamon deodrant!!!!  It is aaaaaaaaamazing!!!!! and it works!!!!

The blog lady said her and her hubs have been using this stuff for over a year and swear by it.

For the past 8 months or so I have made D smell my armpits nothing short of 400 times to prove that my latest and greatest deodrant does in fact NOT work (lucky man I know). He has vouched for me, and even stated that he too has smelled the deodrant/bo smell on sooo many people and said that this homemade deo is the first one where at the end of the day it still smells good. Very mild, but good!

It's super easy. Cornstarch, arrowroot, baking soda, coco oil, and cinnamon( which I decided to add for the heck of it) Oh and I just jumped over to google and found the name of the blog. It's from the prarie homestead.

Oh and I would go back and add a link to all of these blogs, but this is taking way longer than I expected and I am running on like 4 hours of sleep so I must be quick. I figure you can google it too :)

HOMEMADE COCONUT SHAMPOO

I just made it, so I can't really say much other than I'm sooooo excited to see how it works on my hair after a few washes. I am obsessed with the thought of having predominately homemade, safe, healthy products around our house. Not just because they are healthy...and SUPER cheap in the long run, but because for me it just seems to make my life feel much simpler. Often time so many of these ingredients for homemade products overlap eachother, so if I have the ingedients to make a body wash, I can also probably make a lotion, a shampoo, a lip balm, and who knows what else. See simple! I have a basement full of items...next on the list... Laundry detergent, fabric softner, and cleaning products.

Seriously the 10 year ago me wouldn't recognize the today me. It's craaazy how much this one time major product/name brand junkie now LOVES the idea of homemade, natural, inexpensive, everything.

I swear I was born in the wrong generation. I mean I find more joy in making homemade shampoo, and listening to Ella Fitzgerald Radio on Pandora than I ever thought I would!

GRAPESEED OIL

We use this after the bath/shower instead of lotion. Just pat dry your skin and lather it on.

It moisturizes SO much better than lotion, and has really helped keep Liv's baby skin the softest ever!

THESE TWO

I mean what else can I say. I love them, every hour of every day. They are the reasons why I have traveled down this new path of self discovery. They inspire me to challenge myself, and grow, and change. Before them, I had no desire to step foot in a kitchen, let alone venture into the world of homemade deodrants. I love the new, kind of weird sides of the woman/mom/wife I am becoming and I very much have these two to thank. D and Nuggy thank you for existing, and Lord thank you for wanting them to exist in MY life.

What to expect when you're expecting (NOT a pregnancy post)

My head is so full. I have about 1600 blog posts floating around in my head, I have pics I want to document, stories I want to tell, and funny random things I want to write down so I can read them and laugh 60 years from now. But in true me fashion, I am posting what's heavy on my heart and mind right now, today.Which isn't always as easy as it should be.

 I struggle with my blogging identity, in some ways very similarly to the way I struggle with my own identity. I want so badly to define myself in one sentence, which as I'm saying that out loud I realize is suuuper ridiculous. Who can be defined in once sentence? Who can be completely boxed away to one category? Well regardless, I try, and failing at it drives me crazy. I digress

 There are so many, "this is what's on my heart" moments, so many times I think, "ooh I need to blog about this, get it all out," but I don't because I don't want to pigeon hole myself in that way. I don't want my blog to become a serious blog, or a analytical blog. Apparently I have set some standard for myself that this blog has to be categorized, and since I can't seem to categorize the kind of person I am, you can imagine the identity crisis of my blog eludes me. However in the past couple days, because of this ridiculous self inflicted frustration, I decided to stop and think about why it is I blog in the first place. 

While many answers initially came out, this is the truth of it all. I blog because I need to, because I like to. I do NOT want to be some major blogger, I don't care to ever be compensated monetarily for blogging, or even hope my blog ever gains tons and tons of readers. It's not that I am saying that any of that would be awful, it's just not where my heart is at; and I think in order to stay true to who I am I needed to identify that that is not the purpose of my blog. In response to sharing my heart here on this blog, I have had some incredible emails, and phone calls. I have been able to connect with a few people I don't believe I would have otherwise connected with, and for that I'm totally grateful. But if I write to please, if I write in hopes that everyone who reads it will love it, and love me more, I may as well cut my hands off now. It would be the death of me. So for the very few who read this and the very few in the future who may stumble upon this blog please know, I write for me, for my family, for my sanity, and because if I'm really honest, this is one facet of who I am. I'm analytical, deep, passionate, and have an undying need to express these things, as a release for me; and yes I chose to express these parts of me with a tiny hope that maybe sometimes, in God ordained moments, someone will be comforted, or possibly inspired. I don't believe we should live alone, in fact I think everything we experience in life is on purpose, and sometimes the purpose is that someone else can benefit. So I share, and I'll continue to do so from here on out, without titles, and categories, and fears of what others will think. 

With that said....

________________________________________________________

I remember when I was just shy of eight weeks pregnant my mom and aunt bought me, "what to expect when you're expecting." And if I'm honest I was THRILLED! The title alone, soothed my many nights of asking just that quesiton, "What am I supposed to expect?" Foolishly, I felt comforted, like I could from that point on stop wondering and worrying and just rest in the predictability of that which has been laid out for me in this book. Of course a few months later, while the book was very helpful in some areas, I realized what all mother's learn at some point...No one can tell you what to expect, it is different for each of us, and although we wish it were true, there are no books out there that can relieve us from having to navigate through our own ever changing expectations, not in parenting, not in love, and not in life. But don't we all at times, in different areas of our lives, wish that there were a book for that?  I've struggled with this most my life, in fact I believe we all do. Great expectations can be the cause for both major successes and major failures. I think for some they struggle with the expectations of physical appearance, "this is what I should look like, this is what I should dress like." For others it's money, and all the materialistic things they think they should have. For some I believe it is occupation, the standard of all they should accomplish in life, and for many I am certain it is relationships. "this is what my love life should look like, what my relationship with my family should be like, what my spouse should be like, and what my friendships should do and be for me." We all have them in some area. They are there, and rather we know it or not they very much govern the way we live, and the lens in which we view are lives.

I would like to say no one tells us what to expect, that it is actually just engrained in who we are, but I don't entirely think that is true. I think especially in today's world via facebook, instagram, pinterest, blogs, etc. We create our expectations by what we see from other people. We see happy marriages, successful jobs, large homes, fabulous clothing, excellent parenting, incredible friendships, all lived out in front of us. So in response we pick and chose what we want, what we wish for, and we expect those same things for our lives. 

I don't struggle so much with money, I mean I'd love to have more but I don't think and dream about it, I don't obsess over fashion, or my car, my home, or even my occupational status. And while I'd be lying if I said I had zero expectation for those things in my life, it is relatively quite low compared to my relationships. You see for me people are my passion and my poison. I have, since I can remember, always had great great expectations for what my relationships with others will be like; and consequently it's no wonder I have, since I can remember, been greatly disappointed so many times in these relationships. Truth is, I have taken these great expectations and put them on every single relationship I've been in. Yes, every. single. one. I have such a ridiculous love for people, and desire to be loved in return, I have set every friend, every family member and every boyfriend, up to these standards. I wanted my real life relationships to be like the wonderful, outrageous, out of control awesome relationships that I had created and expected in my head. I've seen movies, heard songs, read books, and with the invent of social media, seen all of these relationships lived out in front of me, and I set my expectations accordingly. I always wanted that token, sisterhood type friendship like the girls in the movie Now and Then,  the heart stopping true love like so many relationships I saw in blogs and facebook, and I've also wanted that unspeakable bond, and unconditional love that can only be shared between sisters.

 It's not that I never had any of these things, or don't have them today, because I did and I do in some respects. But if I'm honest I've also found myself disappointed that certain people never ended up living up to my expectations. Some boys I hoped would love me, didn't. Some friends, who I hoped would want to be my bff, didn't, and even some family relationships that I hoped would turn out differently...they didn't! And up until recently I never realized how the disappointment of these things have greatly effected me, possibly in the same way those who chase money, or beauty, are effected when their expectations are not met. 

I want to make it clear that I don't feel expectations are bad, in fact I think it can be very self deprecating, and lacking in faith, to not believe that you are worthy of good, and of love. I believe God wants us to be loved and wants us to desire, and even expect that we can have some of those things He has laid on our hearts, even if it be silly, and sometimes trivial. But in the very same way, I believe that when things in our lives, the beautiful blessings that sometimes are only supposed to be ours for a season, are measured up to the great expectations in our heads, we will unequivocally without fail be disappointed. The problem with expectations, especially when they are with people, is so often you have put them on people without them ever even knowing, so you find yourself disappointed, while at the very same time, that other person can be totally oblivious that you even care. Having great expectations is a slippery slope of let down, and a very clever tool the enemy uses, and is using currently in my life, to destroy certain relationships, that either were never meant to be more than they are, OR relationships that God intentionally brought to me for a specific and life giving purpose.

So here's what I've concluded, after all of these reflective moments, and great God divined revelations. 

I must stop going into my relationships with expectations, and in a very contradictory way, if I must have expectations, I should expect that no one in this world will be able to perfectly meet every expectation I have for them. I have learned that just as I need to get rid of these insane utopian pictures of how it should be, or how I want it to be, I also need to know when to stop. If I'm trying to force a square peg in a round hole, and putting a lot of effort into relationships where there is zero reciprocation, then I need to identify that maybe I was never supposed to be closer with them than I am. Expectation need be removed, so that loving where we are at can begin. If I do this, if I start approaching my relationships like this then I also feel that God will have more room to be in control, I can start directing my efforts of expectation into seeking His purpose and His will for all that is in my life. 

I often write things about myself, that some would never dare reveal. I know it makes some uncomfortable, it makes some look at me differently, and for some it makes them feel a little less alone. I am okay with all of those responses. Truth be told, if you judged my life or anyone elses by pictures alone, you could possibly assume that most of the time I have it all together, that somehow my life doesn't have messy parts. This simply isn't true, and it's always been important to me that I make this known. I am flawed, and very very human. Sometimes my 'humanness' doesn't look exactly like the person next to me, but it is there and it is real. My hope is when I leave this world people will know me a little better than just what I put in my Instagram feed. I hope after I'm gone, I leave a legacy of a life lived real, and authentic. That people will have known that among many things, I always tried to fully embrace the evolution of who I am, and that there is no shame in living out loud, for all to see. 

So there you have it, a struggle, a sin, a stronghold the enemy has had on me for many years, laid out on paper. So so excited to see what the Lord will do with it now that I have decided to lay it all at His feet. 

My 2013 prayer and resolution was to better live out a Corinthians kind of love. I do believe that by surrendering these great expectations, I will experience this love in ways I never have before. I want to love better, I am on my way. 

Perspective

I woke up this morning to that nagging feeling that the enemy had slept at the foot of my bed last night. I know it was him. He's done it before. I dream disturbing dreams, I toss and turn, and then I wake to that feeling of a heavy heart and full mind. I let my feet touch the floor and I hear a little whisper in my heart, "Today is going to be stressful, you've got a lot to do, you are tired, your new job.. well you are sucking at it...and on and on the whispers went. That dang devil I tell you, he really does come to STEAL- KILL- AND DESTROY!! I knew I was at one of those very pivotal crossroads, the choose your own adventure, where you know one page will take you to some awesome story, while another, will take you down 55 pages of crap that you would have been better off never reading.

 I remember listening to a Joyce Meyer sermon once and she talked about, or should I say she warned us to beware, " Every morning you wake up, the Devil is ready for battle. He has a very specific plan for your day, for your thoughts, your plans, and your peace, and he has no problem battling God to make sure His plans for you life never come to fruition. Be ware friends, there's a battle going on every morning for your mind....you chose who wins!" 

And I did, I chose. 

Unfortunately for the enemy I am one stubborn piece of work, and I serve a faithful God. No bottle of shampoo spilling on the floor, large medical bill, unruly temperamental 18 month old, or new batch of flipping baby hairs that stand straight up no matter how I do my hair, or what product I use to paste it down, will ruin my day!!! I refuse to let the enemy win. You know that's how he does it, if he can just tip you over, stress you out over something little, surely he's got you and before you know if your entire disposition will be off. Your peace will be gone, and the course of your day will be entirely derailed from the beauty and blessings God had in store. 

This morning I decided....

If you game to steal, I will hold on tighter, if you came to kill, I will love more, and if you came to destroy, well than dammit buddy I will build my house, my security, and my peace on the truth and word of God!!! You may not have this day, YOU WILL NOT WIN! 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So instead, today I will write a little list of happy. I will intentionally spend a moment of today to document just a few of the many splendid things that I am grateful for. Brace yourself people, there's a lot of happy coming...

1. Kale Chips. Sound weird? It's not I assure you, they are like gold, each and every one of them. They are healthy, they are delicious, and I am grateful that I can afford to these little pieces of heaven. You see I don't take for granted even the littlest things...being able to afford healthy yummy food. 

2. My husband. The guy is redic. No really he is! And while I could go on and on for all the millions of reasons why I love and appreciate him, today I am grateful for 2 specific things. His support for me and what I need/want, and his incredibly hard and admirable work ethic. Since Livy was born, and I quit my job, we solely relied on the Lord to provide for our family. It was a long shot in my mind, but thankfully the Lord he is BIG. On one income, with changes, sacrifices, and many fortunate opportunities, we have been able to live a wonderful life these past 18 months. However, before baby number two comes along (we are going to start trying late spring) we have a few things we want to do, financially. Pay off a little debt, add to savings, and build a little bedroom addition. You know small things. Anyways we have prayed and prayed for the ideal opportunity for me to make a little extra money yet still be a stay at home mommy. We have prayed and prayed. We tried a few times to take things into our own hands and try to force certain jobs that failed MISERABLY, which of course they would. It wasn't God's plan it was ours, but in true God fashion, in the middle of the winter, when most construction workers struggle finding work, Derek's company has plenty...AND he has been offered side work opportunities, AND low and behold, I have been blessed with a part time, on my own terms, in my own hours, as much or as little, work from home, marketing/assisting job for a friend and his real estate business. My friend has been wonderful to work for, and what he needs from me, I happen to love doing and be decent at. Now how any of this even ties into being grateful for my husband is this; Derek has worked his butt off to solely provide for our family, fully supporting me staying home and living my dream of wife and mommy. BUT he also has totally supported me working a little. He is my biggest cheerleader, and tells me how great and talented and smart I am. He also has told me on several occasions that if I ever feel overwhelmed, stressed out, or negative in any way as a result to this job I could quit. I mean you guys, he is like chicken soup for the soul. This man he loves me with such a Christ like love, it's all I can do to not go on and on about how wonderful he is. Point being is this. Today was a day, where I realized, yet again, how fortunate I am to have a man who supports my passions, and a man who encourages me to dream, and do so while also making sure my load doesn't feel too heavy. He's offered to help out with dishes and laundry when he gets home, so I can go work for an hour. He's prayed for me, and rubbed my feet after a long day of duties, many of which I choose to put on my plate. I'm grateful for a husband like him, he makes me want to be a better wife, a better mom, and generally just a better human being.

3. I am grateful for Starbucks. Although I hate the way my hair and clothes smell when I leave, I love the coffee, the music, the atmosphere, and the fact that they have monopolized the market so much so, that even in the middle of no where Idaho I can drive 5 minutes and arrive at my "office" only to be welcomed with a spinach and egg breakfast wrap, a decaf peppermint americano, and NOT an old fashion glazed doughnut thanks to my accountability partner and sister Ashlee, seriously she's good! I kid you not I've never wanted one of those baby's more than I did today, and that's even after the two cake pops I had yesterday! Needless to say there are a few kinks here at the 'office' I'm going to have to work out, but Ash she saved me. 

4. My mother. Oh Lord am I ever thankful for this woman. Not only did she literally give me life, but she fills my home up with so much life every time she visits.She somehow manages to love on my daughter, give her the most attentive one on one play time, all the while folding clothes, putting away dishes, vacuuming, and starting dinner. She also serves as therapist, prayer partner, stand up comedian, and bestest friend eva!!! She selflessly spends her days off with us, and rather it's just providing the best company, or helping me out, every day with her is nothing short of a gift. The very best gift in all the land. I think I came out of the womb saying this but truly I don't know how I would do this life without her!!!

5. My mother in law. Seriously in echo of so many of the statements I made about my Momma, the very same applies for my mother in law. She too selflessly offers to watch my child, and pretty much do just about any and everything to help me out, whenever I need it. Like I have said before, I feel like she is my second Momma, we laugh, we talk, we cry, and we attempt craft and cooking projects that don't always pan out. It is absolutely no wonder why D is as incredible as he is, the apple fell 2cm away from the tree in this case, and thank God for that!  I wouldn't be able to do this new job without the help, and love, and support I get from my Momma and Mother in Law. They are my right and left arm. I need them, and I love them so.

6..My friends. I'll keep it short because, well let's be honest I make most things rather wordy. But can I just say this...I have some pretty incredible friends. I have friends I've known forever,  friends I've known for a year, friends that are neighbors, and friends that are facetime/skype friends. Truth is something happened about the time Liv was born, God answered my life long prayer for intentional, honest, genuine, love me for me, cheer me on, pray for me, funny, thoughtful, incredibly talented, smart, beautiful, friends. Some were new to my world, while others had been there a while but our friendships took on a whole new face, they became so much better than ever before. I never thought I'd have the kind of friends I have, and I seriously could not express properly my gratitude for those who love me for me, and those who I love so fervently. 

ummm that wasn't supposed to rhyme, I swear! 

7. Last today, I am thankful for God's provision. It's one thing to pray for things, to have dreams,  but it's another with they come to fruition. God takes care of all the details. Not only did he give me an opportunity to make extra income, but he provided the technology to do so. My laptop, it's not a 2K mac, but it's nice and it works. I have a phone, although the battery is being held to the phone by tape (peace out t-mobile in t-minus 10 days) but it works and it allows me all the resources to do my job from anywhere. Today I'm thankful for all the ways that God provides, the ways that most days we all seem to overlook. I need nothing in this moment, I have more than I'll ever need, and so today, I wanted to spend my hours just being grateful for exactly what is in front of me. 

It was a hard fought battle, to shake off the thoughts and feelings I woke up with, but I leaned on God and He told the devil to shove it. He fights for me, He loves me, and He is faithful to all of His promises. I mean really how cool is that?!?!?

Happy HAPPY Tuesday!!!

Two ears one mouth

So this one time, not too long ago I was talking to Derek about who knows what. I was rambling on, as I sometimes always do, and he looked at me with this huge smile and said, "Honey have you ever thought about why God gave us two ears and one mouth?" I being the genius that I am said, "um yes Derek..." in a rude sarcastic tone, "it's to remind us to listen twice as much as we talk." To which he said, again with a huge smile on his face, "honey why don't you take that literally!" And the word 'why' in that sentence wasn't a question, it was a not so gentle suggestion.

So here I am tonight, having so much to say in response to your comments, IG's, and texts, and also just because the whole not being on facebook thing makes me want to write like crazy! But I thought it be best to heed husbands advice and spend the next couple hours listening to what God's probably been trying to tell me, while I've been talking most of the day :)

However before I go I do have one small thing to post, well I guess in terms of characters on a page it will be small, but in fact the subject matter is on the single biggest thing in my life

Today a sweet IG friend saw my post and inquired about my relationship with God, or not so much my relationship, but how one goes about starting up a relationship with God. Here's a bit of what I said to her, just to give insight into why I am posting this...

Can I just tell you that I had to re-read your comment a few times… I had to re-read it for two reasons… 1. I find the courage, honesty, and vulnerability of you asking that like honestly one of the most beautiful things EVER!!! 1000% honesty, I smiled SO big and imagine God did too, at the idea that you even asked that question. Could you imagine if we all approached things we were unsure of in the same manner you just did! I mean how flippin cool would that be??!?! Before I move to point #2 I just have to tell you thank you. By you writing what you did, I was inspired, completely, totally, inspired! #2 I had to re-read your post because if I can be honest and transparent, I feel totally intimidated to answer that question, I feel completely unqualified to answer that in fear I may say something wrong or even worse that I might say something stupid!! Ha! In fact I think that’s part of what Christians struggle with. I think the enemy keeps us wanting to judge, and correct other believers to prevent us from sharing our truths, our very unique and personal walk with God. I’m determined to do my part to keep that from happening so I will answer your question on my blog, to the best of my ability. I would write it here, but I may get kicked off of instagram for exceeding the word limit :) Please never stop asking questions, and being the positive encouraging person you are, I need it, and I’m certain many others to do!!! xoxo

Okay so here it goes. In short because I want to allow room for God to fill in the blanks. Oh and please PUUULEASE know that these are my personal thoughts and experiences. Not now, nor ever will I even pretend to be someone who has all the answers, or even some of the answers. If you have a different answer to this question, please feel free to share, as my heart is always open to hear what others have experienced, just please do it with love!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I think we all find God in different places. I think that many people would tell you to go to a church. Sit through worship, meet other believers, go to the beginner courses that many churches offer, and dive right in. Talk to people, ask them quesitons, be honest about where you are at and what you are looking for. Be open to the fact that there are a million different churches out there and there will proabably be one that suits you better than others. I think that similarly to those who start at a new school, the orientation, is similar. Starting your search for God would probably be easiest in a church setting.

I think others may tell you, since you mentioned it's been a very long time since you had been to church, to open up a bible, start reading, and start praying.

I think some may tell you to ease into it, to start off with a Christian radio station or two, or maybe possibly a short and easy read devotional. To find a comfortable place where you feel you can ease in and find God. And to the contrary others may tell you to dive in head first, and get crazy with it. Change your radio stations, go to church, seek out Christian friends, and get excited to be overtaken by God and His love.

I think all of these answers are right, because I believe they have all describe ways people have found the Lord. In fact to me that is one of the things I love the very most about God, He can reveal Himself to you in the coolest most unique ways, and He will absolutely love on you WHEREVER you are at. There are so many ways to start up a relationship with God, but for me the beauty, and majesty of God is that I don't have to go somewhere or be anything special for Him to envelope me. He's already there, patiently, lovingly waiting there for you, to love on you and walk with you through this crazy life. If you were to ask me, this is what I would say...

Find quiet, or put on music that moves your soul, the kind that almost brings you to tears, get in a place where you can just be. Talk out loud, or talk internally, and just let the flood of all that's on your heart be spoken. Don't try to sound proper, don't pay attention to how silly you may feel, just talk. Tell Him what you fear, what you are looking for, what you need, and that you want to know him more. Ask Him to reveal himself to you, and He will. It may be huge and obvious, or possible more subtle, but either way he will. Take solace in the fact, that this God you want to know more of, He's real, and He already loves you exactly as you are right this second. Don't feel pressured to "feel" an instant reaction, or response, just exercise a little faith that He is listening, and He knows your heart. Before you rush past this sacred soul time, just take a few moments to really think what you want to think, and feel what you feel. I imagine like most people you have journaled before, or possibly poured your heart out to a best friend. To me this conversation with God, it goes a lot like that. Just because you can't see him doesn't mean he's not there, and just as it is when journaling, putting words to what's on your heart requires patience, and the kindness to know that anything you say or feel is accepted and okay.

Then from here I would say do what you feel led to do. Be it go to church, pick up a Christian book, turn on Christian radio (104.9, 101.9, 89.1, 107.9), or seek out Christians you may know.

Someone very wise once told me that a relationship with God is just like any other relationship, in the way of courting and getting to know them. When you first meet someone you take it slow, but are also open and eager to learning about them. You don't go into it with a ton of expectations but more excitement than anything else. Just be patient and kind to yourself knowing that God is love, His ways are perfect, and His timing is perfect.

Last I would tell you that you freakin rock!!! You were so beautifully and wonderfully made, and if that doesn't mean anything to you now you must know if you continue on this journey it absolutely will someday!

At risk of sounding cliché, I have a lot of awesome book suggestions you might like, I happen to have been to a few churches in ID and Spokane that I would be happen to attend with you. I do attend a church out here by my house, but I would love to join you if ever you wanted to try somewhere else out but didn't feel comfortable going alone. I also have friends at many other churches and I could always introduce you if you would like that. Wherever this journey takes you just know I'm here, as a friend, who finds it crucial that you don't feel like you're going at it all alone!

Praying for you my sweet friend! Praying you find your own special and unique way to the Lord and that you find a whole lot of love on the way!

xoxo

 

 

 



Love wins...

To you beautiful women in my life… I love you!

I deactivated my fb account today. It was time. Not forever, or maybe forever I don’t know. I just needed to reevaluate, to reassess where I can find my most authentic self, and then sit there for a while. It’s been a rainy past few days in my world. Not all rainy, but the grey cloud of trials, they’ve been looming  and that’s okay. I know the sun isn’t gone, it’s just hanging out until I’ve learned all that God’s wanted me to learn, and seen all that God’s wanted me to see. The reason I write today is to do just that, to reflect on what I’ve seen, and translate it with my words. These past few rainy days have brought rays of sunshine, many in the form of you. Some of you have texted, or emailed, or called me for the first time in a while, and you must have known I needed it. Your words, every single one of them, they pierced my heart, humbled me, but also reminded me that out there, there are people who want me to be happy, want me to succeed, and genuinely cheer me on, both during my rainy days but also during my sunny days. You guys, you just don’t know what you’ve done to fill my cup in a way only you guys can. I’m thankful because you listened to that little voice that led you to call or text. You shared your words, and it was as if God reached down from heaved, parted the furrow from my brows, wiped my tears, and with just a glance reminded me I was loved. I needed it, and you knew.

 Don’t mistake this for a disclaimer that I’m perfect. I’m far from, so very far from it. But I do have a huge heart; I love super hard, and deep, most definitely to a fault. I can be selfish of course, but I also spend many hours of my days wondering how to be better, to be more likeable, more pleasing to everyone. Well as you can imagine it’s exhausting, and taxing, and painful. Oh and its freaking ridiculous. Yeah that too. I like to be open and honest, and not leave things unsaid, but I also hate confrontation, I loathe it! So far too often I take everyone’s critiques, everyone’s suggestions, and opinions, and I just take them. I tell myself its good to be humbled, I try to make it a positive, and I try to just be better, and do better. Well in this process friends, I’ve lost myself a bit. I’ve ran a little off track with the all that I am supposed to be and do and I plain old lost touch with me. Out of the desire to love, I’ve desired to please, and out of the desire to please, I’ve given parts of me that weren’t supposed to be given away. I think I almost forgot that I too had value. I deserve love, in the form of friendships just like anyone else.

So in the space I created for myself, with the encouragement of so many of you, I’ve found me again. I’ve been reminded of who I am, and where my heart lies. Turns out all my attempts to be real, to be honest, and open, regardless of what other’s thought haven’t gone in vain. Turns out there are people who accept me for who I am, who know that my life is not perfect, and that you will NEVER catch me trying to pretend that it is. There are those of you who know, that I will always try to live life for the good, learning from the bad. I will always try to drink from a glass half full, and instead of water, I’ll most likely have Kool-Aid in it. I have learned that many of you out there know my heart is filled with good intentions, and that if it were physically possible I would be everything to everyone. But the most amazing thing I learned these past few days is that there are people out there who don’t need me to be everything, they will actually take me even if for a while I could give them nothing but me.

I think to love someone who’s smart, or funny, or great at giving advice, is pure and honest love too, I just don’t think those are supposed to be the reasons we love people, the reasons why we are loved. I believe to have a good friend you must be one. But I also believe that in a relationship, any relationship you must assess from time to time if you are a giver or taker. And if you find yourself being “loved” only when you can do or be for someone else then it might be time to let that person go. For in all that time you spend worrying, and giving, and being, you can lose you.

Ah-ha

I know to some of you reading this, this may be a lot of “duh” statements. This may be no epiphany to you. But to me, to the girl who used to give her fruit snacks every day for a year, to the very person who was horrible to her, who made fun of her, and encouraged others to be mean to her as well; yes to this girl this is one hell of a Ah-ha!!!! I will not pretend, or lie, or try to convince you that this isn’t something I’ve struggled with all my life, but I absolutely will not run from it anymore. I will face it head on. I cannot make someone love me, I cannot make them be more for me, or even reciprocate that which I try to give them. It isn’t fair for me or for them. Sometimes we just aren’t capable to be all that another person needs, but sometimes we chose not to be what another person needs.  We get used to the taking, and forget to give. It’s a hard lesson, on both ends.

Friends this isn’t a selfish violin playing post, with hidden poor me innuendo’s, it’s just the stream of consciousness that needed to be expressed. I am not the perfect mother, the perfect wife, friend or daughter. In fact if you knew me at all, you would know that in me lies a voice that wants me to believe just the opposite. Usually, if I’m being honest, I tend to either say too much, or apologize too much. Perfect I am not.  I know perfect is an illusion, and all the facebooks, blogs, Instagrams, and photos, are just cliff notes of life. I know that for all my lows, and times of insecurity, and shame, I’ve also had my moments of pride, those times when I take myself too seriously and start pretending that I’ve arrived. Neither should be a landing point, both are necessary for growth. 

Tonight I wrote, to clear my head, empty my heart of bit, but mostly to thank you my sweet friends, those of you see my value sometimes even when I can’t. Thank you for not capitalizing on my honesty, or taking joy in my pain. Thank you for being happy when I’m happy. Thank you for seeing my heart and knowing that my imperfections don’t negate my good, and they never negate the words I share, or the things I say about you, or my life.

I believe in the good in people, I believe in second chances, forgiveness, and the redemption only the Lord can bring. I believe hurt people hurt people, but I also very much believe that God heals.

 Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I believe a little bit more in me too. I believe that it’s okay to stand up for who you are, but never use that as an excuse to not love people in a way that might require more effort. In all honesty I hope if you take nothing else away from this little love letter, please know this… Every time you reach out to someone and think it won’t matter, it does. And every time you risk being vulnerable in the attempt to lift someone else up, even if sometimes you feel they don’t deserve it, the risk is always worth it. There is a fine line between loving and never expecting anything in return, and loving, knowing you deserve to be loved back. I don’t exactly know quite yet, where the line ends and where it begins, but I do know this. Love wins. Love ALWAYS wins! So tonight, I chose love.

 

The kind of mom I am

One of my most favorite bloggers recently posted these words,

"Self reflection is so very much a part of these motherhood moments. I have thought about why this is so hard, what I could have done to make it better. We chose not to do daycare or preschool for Lainey, and I don't regret that decision at all, even though it may have made this transition a little easier. I wonder what things we can do to help smooth out these first few weeks, and we are trying lots of fun ideas--some our own, and some wonderful suggestions of yours. The thing is, there are a hundred billion ways to raise a child--to nourish them, to teach them to think on their own, to instill confidence, to show them kindness, to challenge them to be respectful, to educate them, to show them the world. And when you choose a way to do these things--a way that fits and feels good for your family and your child--I think it's only natural to wonder if maybe one of the 99,999,999,999 other ways might have worked better." -Kelle Hampton Enjoying The Small Things

 

Amen...right?!?!?  Seriously I don't think I was three words into this paragraph and my eyes welled up with tears. By the time I finished the paragraph I wanted to reach through the computer screen and hug Kelle with the kind of hug that almost hurts more than it does feel good. I feel like at any given there are trigger words or phrases that can be said and regardless of the mood I'm in or the day I'm having I instantly become emotional. Not always emotional with tears, but just emotional, like the words that were just spoken knew the secret passage way to that extra vulnerable part of my heart. The part where things taste and smell and sound and feel so much more intense, that place where I feel on an entirely different level. This topic is one of them and I don't know Kelle personally but reading these words made me instantly feel not so alone in some of my own quietly harbored struggles.

 

                                            

 

 

 

I remember the episode of Sex and The City where Miranda is pregnant and Charlotte is interrogating her on what kind of mom she wanted to be, of course referring the socially established "styles" of parenting, attachment, marsupial, etc. And Miranda responds, " I don't know....a good one!?!?" I wasn't a mom when I first watched that episode, and in fact being a mom wasn't even on my radar at that point of my life, yet that scene has forever been etched in my mind. I remember watching it at the time and thinking, " Geesh Mom's have it tough, who knew there were so many different ways to mother?!"

 

         

 

                    

 

 

 But in the many months since becoming a mother I have to tell you when that scene plays in my mind my response is a little different. Now I think about it and I kind of want to punch Charlotte in the face. I think about her voice and her incessant questioning about Miranda's plan for parenting her unborn child, and I feel like it is a perfect spot on depiction of the kinds of battles us moms face everyday.

 

 

 

Why is it that we must define ourselves as moms? I'm a protective mom, I'm a laid back mom, I'm strict, I'm a structured mom, I'm an artsy mom, I'm a christian mom, I'm an all natural mom. I mean I understand the idea of having beliefs and finding the direction you wish to point your sail, but why do we feel the need to take all the adjectives that describe us as moms and fit them into one perfectly labeled box? And if we are being honest here I think the better question is, why does it make us as outsiders feel better when other mom's are labeled and compartmentalized it our head? Is it because it makes it easier to judge them? If they are a "creative/artsy" mom for example, does it make it easier on us to then view everything they do through that lens so that when we don't understand their way of doing things we can have an easier time judging them? I fear that as much as us women don't want this to be true, it might be.

 

 

 

       

 

 

 

Being a mom is hard, oh Lord it's crazy hard. But trying to explain what kind of mom you are might be dang near impossible, yet somehow I constantly find myself trying to do this very thing.

 

       

          

 

       

 

 

 

I think the beautiful thing about God's design in becoming parents is that there really are 99,999,999 ways to parent. There are ways of doing things that are supposed to be right for you and not right for me. There are supposed to be different choices, different areas where you are strict and I'm more relaxed because we are raising entirely different little tiny humans. God's plan and his story for those little souls are not supposed to be the same.  If I'm raising a stubborn child and parenting according to the things I'm learning about her on a daily basis, taking in account her stubbornness then you better believe God is using it to bring her story to fruition. I would be doing both her, I, and God a disservice by trying to do it more like someone else. And while I do of course think there is so much we can learn from one another, I believe we should be trying harder to listen to our instincts, to find our own way that feels right, feels God driven, and follow that instead of the status quo.

 

                                   

 

    

 

 

When talking to other mom's I sometimes want to stop and tell them, "you know you are doing a really good job with Johnny, you and I we do things so very different in some areas but watching what a incredibly cool little man he is becoming is such a testament to the awesomeness of you being true to the kind of mother that you were designed to be." I don't say these things, but I think them, and I often leave wondering why I don't say them. But it's the truth and I think if we were more patient with ourselves, with each other, and even with our little one's we would find that who we are, as moms, as friends, and wives, it was never intended to be wrapped up in one pretty little box. It was meant to be fluid, and ever changing.

 

 

 

      

 

 

 

I don't believe God ever meant for us to be so easy to define that you could label who we are without even needing to see  the way we do things. Sure I may be overprotective or more of a worrier in some areas, but I am equally super chill in other areas. I might need to be extra sensitive with one of my children, while needing to find my more strict self with another. Being health conscious, a mom who practices CIO, a full time working mom, or a stay at home mom, it's all a part of God's design.Those are all roles we were meant to fulfill. Those choices we make we make for a reason, and collectively when you put all the millions of choices we make as parents together, it is inevitable that they will both harm and help our children in certain areas, but even that I believe was part of His plan. It's all a part of what is shaping our little children into who God is calling them to be.

         

     

                     

       

 

So what kind of mom am I, well let's see...I'm a mom who loves my child so much it hurts. I'm a mom who's parenting sometimes follows a certain parenting style, and also a mom who's parenting often times looks a little all across the board. I love to read, and research helpful tips for raising children yet I mostly parent off of my instincts, of my gut, the leading of the Holy Spirit, and what Derek and I both feel is best for Olivia. Since all three of us are ever changing and evolving we are definitely learning as we go. I am a mom who does things differently than some moms I see, but they are things that I feel are right for our family, and because I love and admire and have crazy respect for these mom's, I get great comfort knowing that they are doing a wonderful job raising their children in the way they are being led to as well.

 

 

 

                                              

 

 

 

I am a mom who doesn't always fit in in certain ways, but I'm okay with that. I'm not saying it's not hard, and that there aren't times where the worldly parts of me want to compare and conform, but still I believe it's okay, it's good for me to have to practice being confident in who I am as a woman, a wife,  and a mother. There will come a day when my children are older and they too will feel the pressure to conform, there beliefs and passions won't look like everyone else's; so Derek and I must set the example that it's okay to be different, it's okay to make some waves while pursuing your passions.

 

 

I'm a mom who desires above all else that my child accepts and loves others and God. I want my children to fight for the underdog, and feel comfortable in their own skin, in order to teach them this I must be the example. Basically I'm a mom who wants to love and nurture, inspire and educate my children the best way I know how, and if Charlotte asked me that question today, I would guess my answer would be similar to Miranda's, I want to be a good mom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My prayer for us as mom's is to be easier on each other, but mostly be easier on ourselves. I pray that we can lift each other up, be more intentional to call out each others strengths in parenting. My hope is that as our children grow we can celebrate their own personal successes and their differences. As time passes our children are going to pave their own ways, they will all have strengths and weaknesses, they will have great accomplishments and failures. Some will struggle in math, some will be very athletic, some will be more reserved and quiet, some will be stubborn and rebellious while others will be sensitive and creative. They will be human, ever changing and evolving, and my prayer is that we can raise them in a community where whatever they are they are accepted.

 

Today I hope we can take a moment to ask ourselves, "what kind of mom am I?" and I hope we can see that whatever we do and however we do it, we are good moms. I hope we can breath a little deeper and slower and accept ourselves as is, no judgement and no comparing. I hope all we see at the root of our motherhood is the immense love we feel for our children, because in the end I do believe that that is good enough.

 

 

         

 

 

 

      

  I added this picture in because some days it's the perfect illustration

     to define me as a mother.....exhausted!!! :)