On the job training

I still remember those first days, the first weeks of each new job I have ever had...where my to-do list is presented to me, I am explained of my expectations and then set free to go perform. I loved those first days, when my role was clearly defined. I am a type A personality for the most part, I am anal retentive on certain things, and I like structure order and consistency. I like to know what people expect of me, and I like to be able to meet their expectations, and as much as I would like to say that my entire identity is wrapped up in God view of me, I have to say much of my life, who I thought I was, and the value I held was wrapped up in my ability to please. I felt most valuable when I could perform to people's liking, when I worked as hard as they needed, did the things they expected and could check everything off of my list of to-do's. I have never been a morning person, yet I thrive on the structure of having to be up and ready by a certain time. I get excited knowing someone is waiting for me to show up and be productive. I work best when someone is asking me to show them what I have accomplished for the day. When I have time limits, deadlines, and expectation, I can deliver.

 Yet through all of these jobs I have held, I have never been working to climb the corporate ladder, I haven't been scheming and dreaming of being at the "top."  In fact all of this hard work was just to contribute, to fill the in between of life, the time between being a child, and becoming a wife and mommy. It's true when I look back at my childhood and adolescent years, above all dreams, what I wanted the very most, was to marry the man of my dreams, to be his wife, and eventually become a mommy. I have dreamt of waves of laughter painting the walls of my home, I looked forward to tiny fingerprints on the window, and the words "mom" being yelled as the soundtrack to our home. I have dreamt of to do list's filled with, making homemade baby food, organizing fun activities, reading and playing games, laundry, and dishes. I gleefully chose to give up my salary and awesome benefits, for life on a budget, and "homemade fun!" And if you stripped my heart and my mind you would find no other desires, no other secret dreams of me doing anything or being anywhere else.

However, in the past month or so I have really found myself struggling with this new job title of mine, and quite honestly part of my struggles have been figuring out why I am even struggling in the first place. But alas, over the past week of praying, crying, searching, and pouring my soul to Derek, I have been able to articulate exactly what it is I am feeling, and why I am finding this position, at my dream job to be weighing heavy on my heart.....This job is the hardest job I have ever had!!! That's it, it's just hard!

A year ago I was dreaming, praying, practically begging God for a way to be exactly where I am today...home with my baby, being a wife and a mom. I wanted this position and I fought hard for it, but 9 months into it I am realizing that all of the things that helped me identify who I was and give me my value have all but disappeared. I don't have a boss to answer to, I don't have checklists, expectations, or a schedule for that matter. I don't have a paycheck to reflect my skill, or a list of newly learned skills to add to my resume. Today I am my own boss, in the business of domesticity, and what I have learned about this field is the expectations are a lot harder to define, and yet the pressure and the sheer guilt that comes along with this position is like nothing I have ever known before.

You can scan pinterest for a mere five minutes and find pictures of a million different "duties" that pertain to this job, there's activities for infants, making homemade baby food, clothes, and diapers, there's a how-to guide on how to clean your entire house in 15 minutes, have it decorated floor to ceiling in 100% DIY decor, and of course the 101 hot date ideas for all that alone and romantic time you have with your spouse. There are school ideas, and home school ideas, recipes for healthy living, tricks for keeping your child well behaved and well rounded, helping them sleep through the night, and of course the calendar for the "optimal time" for adding a second, third, and fourth, child to the mix. And let me not forget to mention the top 50 baby pictures you must have of your infant before they turn one, the different ways to chronicle their every move, and last the millions of different links to different blogs that in turn can show you, in detail, the daily successes of people just like you holding the very same job title. It's exhausting. It's exciting. It's making me crazy!!!!

On July 11th 2011 when I, in my agony, excitement, and tears pushed out my daughter, what was also gained was the birth of what I call "Mommy guilt." That little sensor that was added to my heart that allows me to feel EVERYTHING! When they are little you feel bad if they are too hot or too cold, if they can't sleep, if they get too hungry, or if their poor little tummy's have gas; as they grow you feel guilty if they hear you and your husband argue, if they get scared by a loud noise, or if their nose is so stuffed they can't breath. On top of these immediate more obvious one's, there is that underlying guilt, Should I be working and allowing her to be socialized at a school? Will she be kind? Will she be patient? Will she be happy? Will she know and love the Lord? Should I be working to make more money so we can give her more? Will she know how to share? Is she getting enough learning time, and playing time, and the list goes on and on.

Learning how to do this new job has been quite the transition, instead of an office where I can come and go, I live where I work. Instead of an outline of policies and procedure, I pray, and make it up as I go. Instead of answering to a boss, I am answering to myself. It's ambiguous, and often times overwhelming. Waking up to a blank canvass and a to-do list that truly recycles itself daily, I am struggling to know where I begin and when the list should end. Is it most important that I start the laundry or take a shower? Should I sit down and play with baby or pack D's lunch, do I work out so I can stay healthy and hot for my husband, or do I wash the car, and pay the bills? Do I stay home and put nuggy in front of her toys so I can bust off five to-do's off my list, or do I stop everything and give her the stimulation, attention and affection that she needs? Do I visit the people who have emailed and texted, hoping to see Nuggy, or do I keep her home and clean up the mess from breakfast, and snack, and prepare dinner? Do I wake and have my alone time with God or do I sleep the extra 30 minutes so I can be that much more energized? If I were at my old job the answers to these types of questions would be easy, and when and if there were doubt I would look to my boss and ask for guidance, and when I completed that of which she had asked I would feel accomplished and satisfied. At the very least if I didn't know what the boss wanted, or I didn't get my list all checked off I would at be able to leave at closing time, turn it all off, go home and forget about it until the next day. When you work at home there is no clock in and clock out; and on the rare times when I try to turn it off, relax and just be Heather for a moment, not very far away is the mommy guilt, and the wife guilt that reminds me, that if I just stayed up a little later or got back to work, I could do more, and be more. If I can just keep going I will become the great employee I am striving to be. It's exhausting, and it's wonderful. It's a perfect combination of the hardest and greatest thing I have ever done in my entire life. But my heart is heavy and the guilt is slowly getting more of my heart than the joy, and that needs to change.

So last night I sat down under the blanket of stars, on the front porch swing and cried my eyes out to Derek. I sobbed my feelings of pressure, no clear expectations, and the constant feeling that no matter what I chose, regardless of if I were working so we had more money, or staying home and being the keeper of my home, or if my house was clean and child ignored, or child happy and house a mess, I would still feel guilty. Through the sobs and the tears I tried to explain a job that is almost impossible to explain, from the outside it looks like the easy option. To society being a stay at home mom is the life of those whose husbands make so much money the wife's only requirement is to make it on time to Pilate's so she can fit into her designer jeans. But what most don't see is those of us who are recreating our lives on one salary, learning how to live on and with less so that their children can have more. There are no 15 minute breaks and times in which you are allowed to do nothing and just check out, and believe me if you take a break that guilt creeps in so strong you swear you can reach out and touch it. And the hardest part of it all is there is no one to turn to to reassure you that you have worked so hard you MUST take a break, you must breath, and relax and enjoy. So you keep going until like me you emotionally can't go anymore.

Before I go on I need to interject here to make it very clear that I am in no way saying that being a SAHM is any harder, better or more noble that being a working mom. Honestly I have more respect, and admiration for working mommy's than I think most people could even imagine. I say it all the time, but truly I don't know how they do it!!! The point I was trying to communicate is that there is a world of many SAHM's that people don't understand. And because of the millions of mom's who would give anything to be a sahm often times it's hard to even talk about these feelings because even that makes you feel guilty. It feels rude to talk about the hardships of a life that some women would give their right arm to have. So many times we don't talk about it and can feel quite alone.

Anyways, after my long winded sob session, I stopped talking, and looked to my husband for the words to carry me out of this confusion. And out of all of the millions of things he could of said, he laid it out pretty clear and simple... He reminded me that God is my boss, my job description is not on pinterest, or a blog, it's in the bible. The woman, wife, and mother I should be striving to be should be pleasing to the Lord. He told me that all he asks is that I take the blank canvas of my days and fill them with God, I work on learning, and growing as God's child first. He explained that once I am strong, confident, and in sync with God then I can be the encouraging, and supportive wife that he needs me to be. And when I am in sync with God, and lifting my husband up with prayer, and strength, it is then I can be the kind of wonderful mother God created me to be. He said he would be that happiest man in the earth, even if he had to work a million jobs to keep me home, if he knew that I was filling our house with the strength, love, prayer, and hope that can only come from the Lord. And then he told me to forget everything else I have heard, seen and read, and to move forward. So here I am... moving forward.

What I have learned in the last 24 hours has been invaluable, no book, or blog, email, or text could have given me the peace I found in Derek's words last night. He was right, God is my boss and I should be looking to him, checking in hourly, making sure I am aligned with His will and plans for me as a wife, as a mom, and as His child. I need to lean not on my own understanding or expectations but on His.  All the rest is great, but it's not for me, and in order to do my job well, in order to succeed and thrive in this new position I have been blessed with, I have to listen to my husband, and let the rest go!

And my prayer as I am writing this is that more mom's can find a way to turn the mommy guilt off, that they can stop looking to the world to give them their job description, and seek God above it all. I pray more of us mom's can find peace in His encouragement, and to know that we are doing a great job, we are succeeding, and there is no more important job in all the world than the one we are doing at home.

Easy like a Sunday mornin'........

Cause I'm eaaaaasssssaaayyyy easy like a sunday mornin'......aaaahhhhh aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhh aaahhhh easy luke a Sunday  mornin'....

I feel like this was my theme song for today! What a glorious, marvelous, fabulous day today was! It was the iceing on a delicious cream cheese frosting confetti cake that was this weekend! We started our day doing some unusual things for a Sunday...D went golfing (okay not suuuuper unusual but kind of for a Sunday), and Nuggy, Mimi and I followed the  Fowlers out to the middle of nowhere, a beautiful nowhere, for a Vogue-esque baby photoshoot :) There were wardrobe changes, and accessories and momarrazi and it was absolute adorable. Truly I am certain that my little nook up in heaven will be FULL of babies, I just can't get enough of them! Nuggys bff Addy was also in the shoot and per the usual Nuggy kind of wouldnt get out of her personal bubble. It was a beautiful location, with great outfits and accessories, and for all of the babies, outfit changes, and prop changes it went extremely smooth and was very well organized! We were super grateful to be a part of this little baby shoot...it was a blast!

Once Nuggy was done smiling for the cameras we headed home for some lunch and a nap. What actually ended up transpiring, was an hour  and forty minutes of mommy and daddy being thoroughly entertained by the babe tv (baby monitor). Honestly I don't know what her deal was but sister was CRAZY and couldn't relax enough to fall asleep! She was head banging, going in circles, yelling, singing, laughing, and screaming w excitement for what felt like an eternity....being that it was so beautiful out me and D decided to take our baby circus viewing and some snacks out to the front porch. I don't know if it was the lull of nuggy's laughter or the cool breeze with the warm sun on my toes, but it wasn't long before I was passed out on the front porch swing, it was sooooo dreamy!!! D ended up falling asleep too, once Nuggy finally drew the curtain on her performance, and the three of us rested.... peaceful, free, and easy like a sunday mornin!

Once we woke we packed up and headed to Mimi and Papa's. We met Bean, Crystal, and Stinkerman, there and filled the afternoon with lots of baby laughter. We played and ate, and played and ate some more. We had burgers, brussel sprouts, potatoes, and corn on the cob for dinner, and the usual Folkins' dessert, ice cream and hot fudge. We went to the park where we got out any last ounce of energy that might have been hiding somewhere in our bodies, well to be more accurrate I should say Jaxon got out his last balls of crazy while Nuggy and I hung on the grass. Looking around and seeing all the kids playing and parents smiling, made it clear, spring is here and summer is right around the corner my friends!! This fabulous  night ended w two little babes in the kitchen sink , rinsing off the sticky combination of sweat, and sunscreen off their bitty little baby/toddler bodies. It was a perfect summer-like family afternoon, we sucked every ounce of sun and fun out of this day, and we loved every minute!

Honestly just as I do with D's family, whenever we are driving home I reflect on the time we are so.crazy fortunate to have with each other, and I feel totally content. Neither one of our families are perfect, and ironically neither are me or D :) , but there is a lot of love, and laughter and joy amongst all of us. We do a great job of maximizing our time together, and let me tell you what...I wouldnt trade these moments for anything in the whole wide world!

My life isn't always easy, it isn't perfect, and it sure isnt all playtime and roses, but it's a pretty simple life, and to me it's full of all the right things...God, family, love and lots of laughter! This weekend we put down the to do list, and just lived...and sweet Lord did it feel good! Looking forward to see what God has in store for the week!

A perfect little Saturday...

Today was one of those days where in many ways I feel like I really ”lived!” I feel like every hour was spent wisely and consequently I am feeling very tired, and slightly overwhelmed with gratitude! I am documenting my precious little Sat via my phone because I'm to tired to get my laptop but insistent upon documenting my day.
Today stated out with a cup of coffee and a family walk to see Jo Jo and Addy. It was supposed to be a short visit, long walk; but it turned out to be more of a long visit very short walk :) I should've known... Our visits are too fabulous to be quick!
When we got home Nuggs was still in her jammies, and hadn't had breakfast so we had a quick breakfast picnic outside before heading in to nap the nuggy... I was able to have a wonderful conversation with my momma who I adore... and still found time to shower and get ready for breakfast w the Harty's.
We had a yummy brunch at O'dohorty's w the while fam for Connie's birthday. I always love family time, and seeing the way Nuggy looks  at her cousins just melts me! They may not be super close in age but there is so much love there!

After breakfast  we went home packed up our daybag and hit the road. We decided the afternoon would be best spent as a family day,  just the supercool three of us! We went to the park at the river, watched the.insane falls, walked for an hour or so then hopped back in the car for a new adventure...sushi! Nothing like a good workout (or just your average walk :) )  to make for a major sushi craving! Due to the sleeping nugg in the backseat we ate in the sunshine, in the car, in a parking lot by the lake. Then we drove for a while till we found another spot we could get out and stretch and show Liv the lake. We feed her some dinner, she drove us around the parking lot a few times and we started making our way back to the homestead!

We did the nighttime routine, tucked a very peepy baby into her bed and headed out to have some D, Heddie time...I wont lie our time was precious, and romantic. We went out in the backyard and retrieved all of D and Chad's golf balls, like I said...SO romantic!!! Actually the sunset was quite beautiful, the air was warm, and I enjoy any alone time I can get with the hubbs. However I must say the hot date took a turn when D informed me that I, "wasn't as good as Chad!” Of course he was referring to my ability to retrieve the golf balls, and remember to yell "ey-yo" every time I found one. I honestly had no words at this moment, because I knew the time would come, when those words would leave his mouth, "you're not as good as Chad!"  in fact to be honest the incredible love, respect, and admiration these two have for each other is the best thing for me to see as a wife! I have accepted that there will be certain things in life that D would much rather do with his bff than with me. These two will be friends for life...no doubt! I digress :)

After ball fetching, it was a quick Grey's episode (so sad btw) and off to beddy bye land! Nuggs and Addy have a big photoshoot tomorrow, and D has a glorious round of golf w my Dad and bro...so all of us must get our beauty rest for these big events tomorrow!

I am feeling so grateful for the Lords eternal faithfulness! He has blessed me with a husband and child who rock my world, and consume so much of my heart! I have this husband  who loves me in a steadfast, unconditional, pure kind of way, and a baby who makes a walk on the sidewalk, or sushi in the parking lot the the most amazing magical time ever!! And I'm not being cheesy and just saying that. I really do feel that way! Every second of today has had such intense meaning and joy, because of God's faithfullness in promising to have plans of hope and a future for me! (jeramiah 29:11)
This Saturday was one for books! Such a perfect little saturday in my very simple and sweet world!

This man is no fool!

Fifty six years ago on April Fools day an amazing husband, father, Papa, and friend was born!

He is smart, funny, talented beyond belief, selfless, generous, loving, and so much fun to be around, he was born on April fools day but he is no fool... He is absolutely wonderful, and today we got to spend most of the day with the family and it made my heart so happy! We had yummy snacks, and enchilada's, and chocolate brownies and ice cream for the birthday boy. We got to just relax and hang out and celebrate being a family that has such an awesome dad!

My dad is the kind of man that has no clue how loved he is, has no idea how ridiculously talented he is, and has no idea how much better our lives are because he is in it!

This little blue eyed beauty stares at her Papa with the most loving gaze, she looks at him in a way that says, "Papa you make me so happy!" 

However in this pic she is looking at me like she might scream if I take another picture of her :)

My dad is the kind of man who seems to have everything when it comes to material goods, he has a beautiful home, a nice car, nice clothes, and the list goes on and on, but still I have never seen a man put every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears into his work the way he does. He works day in and day out for his family, and even though his children have grown, he is so the kind of guy that will still work his tail off to ensure that both his kids and his wife are taken care of.

...And with that said, for a man who has everything, there is absolutely nothing he loves more that his grand kids. These two angels light up his world like the fourth of July, EVERY single time he sees them! There is absolutely nothing he wouldn't do for his babies, and these babies love him in the most delightful way!

This is the look little nuggy makes when she lays eyes on her Papa. It seriously is the sweetest thing!

It's crazy to think of the days when these pictures were just us four, when we my dad was filming us rapping in our homemade music videos, and taking our picture by the Christmas tree. It's crazy to think of all of the baseball games my dad coached, and all of the conversations we would have about good grades, and college. It's just too crazy to see the way our family has grown yet to feel as though I am still 7 and my dad is the only man in my life. It's crazy that life really does go that fast!

This picture pretty much sums up exactly what nuggy and her 8 month old heart feels for her Papa, and I have to say that I see that face and I know what she is thinking and feeling, because I feel it too! Maybe that's a hereditary thing a mother can pass down to her children...a fiery, passionate, outrageous love for two people who would move heaven and earth to make sure you are taken care of, loved and adored!  

Tonight after her baba, Nuggy, so still and so content just laid in her Papa's arms. She gently ran her little baby fingers through his facial hair, and rubbed her hand on his cheeks. She normally doesn't like laying like this, but tonight you could tell she was at peace. She felt safe in her Papa's arms, and felt no real hurry to move. She spent minute after minute gazing into his blue eyes just studying this man who used to hold me this same way. Every time I see this I feel as though my heart could burst, because like I said before I feel it all too! And what I wouldn't give to be her again, to lay in his arms and have him rock me and to show him that there is absolutely no other love than the love between a daughter and a daddy!

My heart is full and heavy at the very thought of my dad. Full with love, respect, and admiration. Heavy with sadness and longing. My dad has lived a life that most could never even begin to be able to understand. He has not always been treated the way he should have been, and I don't ever think he will be able to grasp the sheer abundance of which he is loved. He has lived many days where anyone else would have given up, but he didn't, and he wont. He is stubborn, and sarcastic, and honestly doesn't always have a cup that is half full, but considering the hand life has dealt him I would say it is nothing short of a miracle that his heart is as soft, and generous, and as huge as it is! He has been one of the greatest examples of hard work, and making the best with what you've got. He has taught us to fight hard, work hard, and accept people for their virtues and flaws.

I love my dad in a way I can't even put into words, and for me, a person of MANY words, that says a lot about my feelings for him! Our relationship has had its peaks and it's valleys, but it has a rawness that I would never replace. I love my dad with the hairs on my head and the toes on my feet, I love him with all of me, because so many times he has loved me just the same.

I have learned over the years that we all speak our love differently, some are loud and some are soft. Some scream it from the rooftops, while others say it with a look. My dad, he loves us soft and quiet, but his love could move mountains! His love and unshakable support has often times left me feeling as though I have a debt so big I could never repay. He has never stopped taking care of me, and seeing his passion to continue to support me and my new family just reinforces the heart God has given this man.

As I think about this glorious day, when 56 years ago God created my dad I feel a kind of gratitude that is unique and in a category all it's own. And my prayer on this day, and every other day is that, miraculously, by the grace of God my dad can spend the next 56 years discovering how fabulous, and wonderfully made he really is. My prayer is that he can come to know the infinite ways God loves him and can rest in the peace of his grace. That he can know without a shadow of a doubt that he is a good man, a loved man, and a man who has positively influenced the life of this adoring little girl!

Happy Birthday Daddy, what a wonderful BEAUTIFUL day to celebrate such a wonderful man!

Love you!



*EPIC FAIL* Pit/Peach recap

This is the pretty little thing I wake up to every day!

This is without a doubt one of the most amazing blessings EVER to exist.

And being this little baby's Mama can be the greatest most intense thing I have ever done.

And today my day as a wife, mom, and human felt like an EPIC FAIL!!!

My therapy in life is talking, and writing. And since I have stopped blogging and journaling, I am finding that I am not processing, nor remembering all the wonderful challenging things that are happening in my world. So this is my recap, not for the purpose of pleasing all 10 people who check my blog, but for me to process and remember.

I am stealing the Kardashian's family tradition (never thought I would hear myself say such a thing) But I am going to recap with the peach of my day and the pit of my day, only I will do the pit first because there is ALWAYS more good than bad in my world, and because it's always best to end on a positive note!

Okay so I am going to try to keep this wee little rant to a minimum, it's best for my blood pressure to not relive every detail but just the highlights.

It kind of all began last week when my dear sweet hubby got sick, which in turn kind of means, "he almost died," ha I am totally kidding, but really D is strong, and steadfast, and never complains so when something is wrong enough to keep him home from work, I know I am going to have to pull out my best most sympathetic, understanding, loving, and doting wife self that I can find! It was a heck of a way to start off a Monday but it was actually little Nuggs who got him sick. She was sick all through the weekend and through most of the week through to this last weekend. Poor girl is getting 4 teeth at once, has diarreah, ear infection, the whole nasty package, sister's got it! I must say I hate it when anyone is sick, but when your husband, who is your support is sick at the same time as your child, being sick takes on a whole new meaning; and trying to be loving to a husband while unintentionally giving your everything to trying to ease the discomfort of your ailing babe can we quite the game of tug o war!! However, I will say I feel like these are the moments us women, us mommy's and wives thrive, these are the moments when we step up to the plate, dust of the cape, and save lives one rectal temp and boogy nose wipe at a time. But I think below the surface of our natural fight or flight superwoman tendancies we feel every fever, every tummy ache, and every knawing dull pain of sharp little teeth. We carry this with us and I think we eventually reach a breaking point, when they cry we cry, we let down and acknowledge that we are feeling every ounce of pain they are feeling, and today was that day for me, today I openly admit all the pain I have been carrying for her came out.


Recap of the things that followed...

Had wonderful quiet time with Jesus, I was able to read and write. My soul felt fed.
My thoughtful and loving friend Kelsey brought me homemade soup because she knew I had gotten sick. Although it is hard to be on the recieving end of kind gestures for me, I accepted and it felt good, it felt okay to be taken care of.
Derek forgot his lunch, was starving so I told him we would bring it to his job site before Liv's Dr appt at 1.
We are late, nuggy oversleeps, I spill water all over myself, and wasn't able to grab anything to eat myself or go pee. Lovely
I have to call D to let him know that not only did he not get breakfast, because he woke up late, because he was up all night with Liv, so I could try to sleep since I still wasn't feeling well, but now he will have to wait till AFTER nuggys appt to get his lunch. Who needs food when you're doing physical labor all day right?!?
We get to Livy's Dr. Appt to follow up on her ear infection, and try to figure out why she is so unhappy and incoscolable.
Due to her cronic diarreah she has a HORRIBLE blistering rash, we go to change her dipey as the doc runs in and all hell breaks loose. She screams so loud and so hard for so long the doc even got concerned. I have a poopy diper, next to dirty wipes, next to her binky, next to her 47 blankies, which are next to her spoon with her baby food, which were all apart of the chaotic series of events that took place to try to make Nuggy stop crying. No joke I looked like the most frazzled, mother ever to walk in that room. As the Dr. is staring at me and her, constantly proclaiming, "yeah she is really upset, I don't like that!" I am swallowing the apple sized lump in my throat trying everything I can not to cry. At this poing all of those pains we carry for our children, came bubbling far over the service and it took some quick internal prayer and intervention from the hold spirit to hold it together.
We eventually leave. My child has cried so hard she is sleeping, and I left with the few words I can remember him saying, "Ear looks better but we aren't out of the woods yet, gotta keep an eye on her diarreah, her rash is aweful and you must go immediately to the health food store and get a killer butt paste for those blisters on her bottom."
So with a broken mommy heart, we run D his lunch, he is gracious and patient but starving!
Then we drive out to CDA to Pilgrims to find butt paste. Long story short we were there for an hour. We had a lady helping us who was new, so the one thing she hadn't learned yet was how to help anyone!!!! I "lost" my phone somewhere in the store, spent forever looking, having nice people call it, only to figure out that we weren't hearing it because it was in my CAR!!!
Then after NOT finding the butt paste we need we run to Walmart, my least favorite place, and buy $30 of 5 different kinds of butt paste, get home almost pass out from not eating, and almost pee my pants from not going pee since 8am. Liv is starving and exhausted and sitting in diarreah which is of course not helping out the ol' rash, and I am near breaking.
I feed baby, change diaper through oh so many sad crocodile tears, and put her to sleep. I walk into kitchen collapse at the table and cry, but just for a second.
I decide that instead of making dinner for D or nuggy I needed to crawl into bed with some trailmix and a book. And after 5 minutes of kidding myself , as though I would actually be able to do that,
D come's home and I burn his dinner.... shocker!!!
My aunt comes to town in a big and abrupt way, to let me know that I am not pregnant (super!)
The cramps kick in quickly.
We put nuggy down to sleep and the rest of this night blurs in to one big fog.
I end feeling sad, exhausted, and quite defeated. Not in a depressed my life sucks way but more a, I can't stop laughing because today was about as non productive, and succesful as they come.
I laughed/cried at the overwhelming feeling of, "Heather you sucked at life today!" for a bit and then I moved on.
No harm no foul right?
No the devil didn't win my day, but I got a hell of a work out trying to come out on top!
God's grace is sufficiant, and overflowing, and His grace, was hands down the flood that washed over me and allowed me to just throw my hands up and let it go!
~~~~~~~~~
So with the EPIC FAIL of a day, I end with the lowest lowlight and the highlights.

PIT: Seeing my baby cry harder than I have ever seen. She her visibly in pain from her diaper rash, and tummy pain from her diarreah and not being able to fix it. Seeing her look at me with huge waterfall tears with the look of, "Mommy why can't you fix this, why won't you take this pain away!" That was the huge moldy mushy pit of my day.

PEACH: Believe it or not, there were quite a few.
*Kelsey bringing me soup. Seeing how amazing God has been in the friendship category, seeing him answer prayers and give me faithful, loving, genuine, friendships has been the peach of many of my days but today as well.
*Carrying Olivia into Pilgrims, seeing this chubby little squishy thing on my hip, looking at her in all the chaos, right there in the supplement isle, and thinking you are the cutest thing in the world and you are mine! Seeing the way she holds tightly to my shirt and kicks and swings her legs in excitement of all the facsinating things there are to look at. Seeing her see this trip as a fantastic adventure full of new sights, sounds and smells. That renewed my soul just enough to keep me going.
*Coming home crawling in bed and essentially, temporarrily giving up on life, and having a husband who not only willingly takes over all of the cooking, cleaning, organizing, and childrearing, but sits next to me with compassion and listens, wholeheartidly to every detail of my suck day! Seeing him see me fail, truly fail at certain wifely and motherly tasks, seems like it would be hard, but it isn't with him. He loves me so strong and so unconditionally that those moments he can somehow convince me that not only did I not fail but I kicked butt! Ha! I don't know how he does it but HE is my warm blanket in the cold, he is the refuge I needed in that moment. God put extra time into making that man, he is extra special to me.

So tonight I will not close this long, very pointless novel of a post with a powerful verse,  or real strong words of inspiration, and it will have no real conclusion, but somehow I am able to end it with a smile.

Thank you Jesus!

Is there fruit on my tree?



As I sit down, in my newly proclaimed "quiet space," with my warm tea and the sound of the heater on my feet I have decided to reflect, and connect, and be still. In my devotional/Dream Table book, we are currently reading called, "Having a Mary heart in a Martha world," the chapter that I am reading today is called kitchen service. I haven't gotten but five pages in and I am stopped dead in my tracks. Lately I have been struggling with my flesh, struggling to bind my soul and spirit and my daily life into one beautiful fiber, one that shows no sign of where my soul begins, and my life ends. I want my heart to be lived out through the everyday actions of my life. But currently the life that is being lived out, in certain areas, is showing me that there may be some weakness in my heart. From a far, in my own puny examining, my heart is full of love, and kindness, and patience and grace. Up close I am seeing flaws, like that of a handmade piece of furniture; on the outside it seems sleek, and smooth and flawless, but up close there are rough patches, there are a few niks and scratches, and if you look even closer you can see the places where maybe someone took a short cut and didn't do it as thoroughly as they could have. That is my heart. It needs some polishing.

This chapter is all about fruits of the spirit. It goes on in depth about the harsh reality that while most Christian's want to say, "look to Jesus, let me point you in His direction," what often end up happening is everyone is looking to us. The book says, " for most, we are the only Jesus others will ever see!" It is so easy as a parent to find all the paths in which you wish to direct your child, you declare they will be pure, listen to christian music, be kind and forgiving, they will eat their veggies, and desire to be active instead of watching TV, but the reality is, 90% of the time your children will do exactly what they see you do. Your words will fall on deaf tiny little precious ears, because those big eyes that soak the world up like a sponge, will only see the way you live your life. Those habits you think no one sees, they will see, and those very things will be the things that shape their character. This is the same with our live as a Christian. It would be nice to believe that our words alone can save a lost soul, but if there is no follow through, if there is no action and authenticity behind those words they are dead. They may as will be "pinned" on pinterest, with the half a million other quotes that never actually get lived out.

Being outspoken, open, and a soul who desires to encourage and inspire, it is easy to believe that the Jesus people are seeing in me is the one that fairly accurately matches up with that of the Jesus in the bible, but as I read this morning I was quickly convicted that that is not the case. And while I know my heart is huge, and my love for others is vast, I am not living all of the things I think I am, and seeing that in writing stings a little bit! In the deep corners of my heart I am seeing places where my flesh doesn't want to let go. I am seeing things that I would rather hold onto than give to Jesus. I am seeing that there may not be as much fruit on my tree as I think there is.

Today I am seeing that my heart needs more humility. I need to humbly take up my cross and follow Jesus so that the life, people see me live matches the words, people hear me speak. Often times I feel that just because I desire to do the right thing must mean I am doing the right thing. I think that because I know what to say that my actions are inevitably following, and sometimes this is true, others times, not so much!

Today I am discovering that if the only Jesus many will see is my life lived out, my love lived out, then I need reexamine how it is I think I love. Am I quick to love and slow to anger? Am I forgiving and gracious, always ready to offer someone my mercy? Do I love those who don't love me back in the way I wish they would love me? Do I do things to others who I know, cannot or will not do them back to me? While I would LOVE to respond yes, my heart knows the truth. Jesus knows the truth. If my life, is the only Jesus some will ever see then I am not teaching some people about the real Jesus they need to know! Of course there are those that are easy for me to love, easy for me to be there for and easy to put all my time into, but there are those, some that absolutely need Jesus the most, who are not seeing Jesus through me at all, and this is just not okay with me.

After my devotional today I have discovered that in order to live this life out in a way that properly exemplify Jesus and the life he lived, I need to spend more time in Him, allowing Him to spend more time in me. One of the millions of quotes in this book that I am loving is this one by Kent Hughes,
"Our lives are like photographic plates, and prayer is like a time exposure to God. As we expose ourselves to God for a half hour, an hour, perhaps two hours a day, his image is imprinted more and more upon us. More and more we absorb the image of His character, His love, His wisdom, and His way of dealing with life, and people." LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!!

If I want to love others the way Jesus loved, and if I truly want to live more like Jesus lived, then I need to dwell more in Him. I need to drink of His water, be fed from His food, and get the light of His word so my tree is overflowing with the fruits of His life in me.

It's almost spring, and I can't wait to see what new fruits this season of life will bring out, hopefully it will look a little bit brighter, more colorful, and more abundant than ever before!



*SIGH* 4/5 month post

Well it happened... I blinked... I slept... I did laundry... I did the dishes... I oooogled and aaaaahed over my baby and while I was busy doing all of these things, SHE GREW UP!!!

Okay so maybe she isn't TOTALLY grown up but holy schmoly sister is 5 Months old this SUNDAY!!!!

Saaaaay Whaaaaat???

Yes you Miss Olivia Faith are 5 Months old (as of this coming Sunday) and my sweet friend you are just the coolest, prettiest, funniest most ridiculously awesome little human I have ever known!!!

Lets talk about you my little Angel pie pie.

Your eyes are still killer. Like mommy wants them for her own. And when these little baby blues lock with my eyes I feel like my heart explodes and the hairs on my arms stand straight up. No kidding it happens every time our eyes freeze on each other.

And oh baby your smile is infectious!!! And I can already tell you have a very giving spirit because you are so very generous with your smiles, and its the coolest thing ever to see how many days you brighten every time those gums make their debut!

  

4 years ago I started dating your daddy and he completely and utterly stole my heart. You two are having a very similar love affair. He counts the seconds till he can come home and snuggle you. You, squeak and giggle the SECOND he starts talking to you. In fact one night I was driving you home during our first crazy snow storm. We dropped MiMi off in Liberty Lake and were headed on our trek home when you decided you had had enough of the carseat. You SCREAMED and SCREAMED. I tried to explain to you that I needed to get you home safely and that it would be really nice if you would give me a break. You, lovingly told me to forget it and proceeded to scream. But a very curious thing happened, your daddy called to check on us and I put him on speaker and the second you heard his voice you stopped crying, and every time I would try to talk to him you would start screaming again. So you know what we did for the next 20 minutes? We made daddy talk continuously... non stop! He told you stories and sang you songs until we were in the garage. If that isn't love....I don't know what is!!! I thank God for MY husband but oh I can't even explain the intense gratitude I feel for YOUR daddy. He will be your best friend, your funnest date, your protector, and your number one fan!!!

This is the first thing you like to do when you wake up.

Nuggy bug let me tell you something... God is your everything, family is forever, boys will come and go, and eventually even when one comes and stays forever, STILL, I say STILL, there is nothing like your girlfriends!!! And baby girl you already have some amazing AHHHmazing friends! One of the many things me and your daddy pray for you each night is your friendships with these girls to grow and flourish, and last forever. I love that you are enamored with these girls, that they can crawl on you, rip off your socks, pin you down and steal your binky and you still stare at them with your gummy little grin and I can see it in your eyes, you LOVE your besties!!!!!

You wake up every morning with such excitement. And consequently, since you came along, Mommy and Daddy wake up the exact same way :)

 My little baby O I could write a novel, playwright, movie, and produce an album of songs to explain the love I have for you and the awesome bond we have. I have decided to keep that for another post but let me tell you one thing... you and me are the BESTEST of buds!!! You love to shop with me, go running with me, eat with me, play with me and pretty much do anything with me. You love to sit in your bumbo and stare at yourself in the mirror while I get ready. My prayer for our relationship is that you and I stay this close forever!!!

 
Another post that could be pages and pages long is the immense love you have for your Nana Connie Papa Ray, MiMi and Papa. These four people would do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING for you and I can promise you that will NEVER change!!! Oh the memories your will have with them...the sleepovers, the adventures, the magical moments that will make you want to stay with them forever!!! That's how I felt about my Nana Jo and Baco, every day I thank God I grew up with them!

 

You finally grew into this flower headband... Your head, as of your 4 month appt, is 42 centimeters. The 95th percentile :) Just like your momma. You have big brains :)

You are tu tu cute!!! (yes momma will crack a million of these "mommy" jokes throughout your life, it's just too easy!!)

Okay sister, what you see here is just your old run of the mill hair loss. No baby rogain for you though sister...it's not needed... you look ADORABLE partially and temporarily bald!!!

I see the new hair coming through and it's gonna be perrrty!!!

 
Look closely... you have a BOW in your hair. Ugh, I can't even tell you the years I spent putting these little things on my dolly's just pretending that they were you, but now I have you and it was a monumental moment the first time I carefully clipped that little thing in your hair :)

  
Livy girl your are (PRAISE GOD) healthy!!! I mean like healthy HEALTHY. The other night we had to take you into the doctor to check a little cough you were starting to get and you were 18.5lbs!!!! A little cold doesn't phase you, you are strong, beautiful and healthy!!!

And lets be honest, these leggings look so much cuter on chubby little legs :)

You are sitting up on your own, which I will post pics of below, but you love your bumbo. Your thighs get a little stuck when I pull you out but eh that's okay!!! Oh and that pic in the highchair was the first time you ever sat in a highchair and yes, mommy teared up a wee bit!

  

You love your family. Your aunties and uncles and cousins. You get excited every time you see them, and just like your nana's and papa's you will have the most wonderful memories with these guys!!! (there are quite a few I couldn't find pics for)

 

 

 

This is you at your 4 month appt. Angel baby you are so amazing!!!

You love your Binky!! And we are perfectly okay with that. We will take it away at Kindergarten!

haha just kidding!!!

After your 4 month appt you me and mimi went to the store and bought a bunch of baby food and cereal and raced home to try it!! Then did it again when daddy came home, which was your "first time trying it!" :)

You tried carrots mixed with cereal and as you can see by your face you LOVED it!! You actually chased the spoon around and made little grunt noises till I put it in your mouth. I am so proud of everything you do!

 You LOVE bath time. We sing, we learn, and we splash. Sometimes you take showers with me and daddy and that is by far your favorite! We start family swim at LL athletic club this January. I think you will love it too!

 Look at you!!!! Made in God's perfect image!!!

 

 You're just so cool. Not like cool "I need to impress you" cool, but cool like "I'm da nuggy I wear shades to help me go peepy cool!!"

Yeah this may be my fav!!! Don't you ever EVER think for one second that every single part of you is not perfect, because it is!

You are my holiday girl!!! You make every single special occasion just like a MILLION times more special!

You let me take ENDLESS pictures of you!!!

 

 

 

So you see my little nuggy bug...4 months come and gone and now we are on to complete out the 5th and I still am not short of words for you. You are patient, and gentle. Funny and spunky. Smart and so strong!! In five months you have changed so many lives! You have opened hearts, inspired, encouraged, comforted, and brought joy to all of us and you do it by just existing, by just being you!!!

My prayers for you have been the same this month as the last. I pray for God to protect you in your going out and your coming in. Protect your spirit, your soul and your body. I pray for continued development of your perfect little brain and body. I pray for your daddy and I to continue to be able to show you our love for you and Gods love for you. I pray as you wake each day you have new adventures that excite you. That you see the magic in the little things, and that you always feel safe and protected. I pray my little daughter that you get to play more, laugh more, and be loved on more. Thank you for loving me and for being the little angel that you are!

 

I love you to the moon and back. For ever and ever and ever!!