The kind of mom I am

One of my most favorite bloggers recently posted these words,

"Self reflection is so very much a part of these motherhood moments. I have thought about why this is so hard, what I could have done to make it better. We chose not to do daycare or preschool for Lainey, and I don't regret that decision at all, even though it may have made this transition a little easier. I wonder what things we can do to help smooth out these first few weeks, and we are trying lots of fun ideas--some our own, and some wonderful suggestions of yours. The thing is, there are a hundred billion ways to raise a child--to nourish them, to teach them to think on their own, to instill confidence, to show them kindness, to challenge them to be respectful, to educate them, to show them the world. And when you choose a way to do these things--a way that fits and feels good for your family and your child--I think it's only natural to wonder if maybe one of the 99,999,999,999 other ways might have worked better." -Kelle Hampton Enjoying The Small Things

 

Amen...right?!?!?  Seriously I don't think I was three words into this paragraph and my eyes welled up with tears. By the time I finished the paragraph I wanted to reach through the computer screen and hug Kelle with the kind of hug that almost hurts more than it does feel good. I feel like at any given there are trigger words or phrases that can be said and regardless of the mood I'm in or the day I'm having I instantly become emotional. Not always emotional with tears, but just emotional, like the words that were just spoken knew the secret passage way to that extra vulnerable part of my heart. The part where things taste and smell and sound and feel so much more intense, that place where I feel on an entirely different level. This topic is one of them and I don't know Kelle personally but reading these words made me instantly feel not so alone in some of my own quietly harbored struggles.

 

                                            

 

 

 

I remember the episode of Sex and The City where Miranda is pregnant and Charlotte is interrogating her on what kind of mom she wanted to be, of course referring the socially established "styles" of parenting, attachment, marsupial, etc. And Miranda responds, " I don't know....a good one!?!?" I wasn't a mom when I first watched that episode, and in fact being a mom wasn't even on my radar at that point of my life, yet that scene has forever been etched in my mind. I remember watching it at the time and thinking, " Geesh Mom's have it tough, who knew there were so many different ways to mother?!"

 

         

 

                    

 

 

 But in the many months since becoming a mother I have to tell you when that scene plays in my mind my response is a little different. Now I think about it and I kind of want to punch Charlotte in the face. I think about her voice and her incessant questioning about Miranda's plan for parenting her unborn child, and I feel like it is a perfect spot on depiction of the kinds of battles us moms face everyday.

 

 

 

Why is it that we must define ourselves as moms? I'm a protective mom, I'm a laid back mom, I'm strict, I'm a structured mom, I'm an artsy mom, I'm a christian mom, I'm an all natural mom. I mean I understand the idea of having beliefs and finding the direction you wish to point your sail, but why do we feel the need to take all the adjectives that describe us as moms and fit them into one perfectly labeled box? And if we are being honest here I think the better question is, why does it make us as outsiders feel better when other mom's are labeled and compartmentalized it our head? Is it because it makes it easier to judge them? If they are a "creative/artsy" mom for example, does it make it easier on us to then view everything they do through that lens so that when we don't understand their way of doing things we can have an easier time judging them? I fear that as much as us women don't want this to be true, it might be.

 

 

 

       

 

 

 

Being a mom is hard, oh Lord it's crazy hard. But trying to explain what kind of mom you are might be dang near impossible, yet somehow I constantly find myself trying to do this very thing.

 

       

          

 

       

 

 

 

I think the beautiful thing about God's design in becoming parents is that there really are 99,999,999 ways to parent. There are ways of doing things that are supposed to be right for you and not right for me. There are supposed to be different choices, different areas where you are strict and I'm more relaxed because we are raising entirely different little tiny humans. God's plan and his story for those little souls are not supposed to be the same.  If I'm raising a stubborn child and parenting according to the things I'm learning about her on a daily basis, taking in account her stubbornness then you better believe God is using it to bring her story to fruition. I would be doing both her, I, and God a disservice by trying to do it more like someone else. And while I do of course think there is so much we can learn from one another, I believe we should be trying harder to listen to our instincts, to find our own way that feels right, feels God driven, and follow that instead of the status quo.

 

                                   

 

    

 

 

When talking to other mom's I sometimes want to stop and tell them, "you know you are doing a really good job with Johnny, you and I we do things so very different in some areas but watching what a incredibly cool little man he is becoming is such a testament to the awesomeness of you being true to the kind of mother that you were designed to be." I don't say these things, but I think them, and I often leave wondering why I don't say them. But it's the truth and I think if we were more patient with ourselves, with each other, and even with our little one's we would find that who we are, as moms, as friends, and wives, it was never intended to be wrapped up in one pretty little box. It was meant to be fluid, and ever changing.

 

 

 

      

 

 

 

I don't believe God ever meant for us to be so easy to define that you could label who we are without even needing to see  the way we do things. Sure I may be overprotective or more of a worrier in some areas, but I am equally super chill in other areas. I might need to be extra sensitive with one of my children, while needing to find my more strict self with another. Being health conscious, a mom who practices CIO, a full time working mom, or a stay at home mom, it's all a part of God's design.Those are all roles we were meant to fulfill. Those choices we make we make for a reason, and collectively when you put all the millions of choices we make as parents together, it is inevitable that they will both harm and help our children in certain areas, but even that I believe was part of His plan. It's all a part of what is shaping our little children into who God is calling them to be.

         

     

                     

       

 

So what kind of mom am I, well let's see...I'm a mom who loves my child so much it hurts. I'm a mom who's parenting sometimes follows a certain parenting style, and also a mom who's parenting often times looks a little all across the board. I love to read, and research helpful tips for raising children yet I mostly parent off of my instincts, of my gut, the leading of the Holy Spirit, and what Derek and I both feel is best for Olivia. Since all three of us are ever changing and evolving we are definitely learning as we go. I am a mom who does things differently than some moms I see, but they are things that I feel are right for our family, and because I love and admire and have crazy respect for these mom's, I get great comfort knowing that they are doing a wonderful job raising their children in the way they are being led to as well.

 

 

 

                                              

 

 

 

I am a mom who doesn't always fit in in certain ways, but I'm okay with that. I'm not saying it's not hard, and that there aren't times where the worldly parts of me want to compare and conform, but still I believe it's okay, it's good for me to have to practice being confident in who I am as a woman, a wife,  and a mother. There will come a day when my children are older and they too will feel the pressure to conform, there beliefs and passions won't look like everyone else's; so Derek and I must set the example that it's okay to be different, it's okay to make some waves while pursuing your passions.

 

 

I'm a mom who desires above all else that my child accepts and loves others and God. I want my children to fight for the underdog, and feel comfortable in their own skin, in order to teach them this I must be the example. Basically I'm a mom who wants to love and nurture, inspire and educate my children the best way I know how, and if Charlotte asked me that question today, I would guess my answer would be similar to Miranda's, I want to be a good mom.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My prayer for us as mom's is to be easier on each other, but mostly be easier on ourselves. I pray that we can lift each other up, be more intentional to call out each others strengths in parenting. My hope is that as our children grow we can celebrate their own personal successes and their differences. As time passes our children are going to pave their own ways, they will all have strengths and weaknesses, they will have great accomplishments and failures. Some will struggle in math, some will be very athletic, some will be more reserved and quiet, some will be stubborn and rebellious while others will be sensitive and creative. They will be human, ever changing and evolving, and my prayer is that we can raise them in a community where whatever they are they are accepted.

 

Today I hope we can take a moment to ask ourselves, "what kind of mom am I?" and I hope we can see that whatever we do and however we do it, we are good moms. I hope we can breath a little deeper and slower and accept ourselves as is, no judgement and no comparing. I hope all we see at the root of our motherhood is the immense love we feel for our children, because in the end I do believe that that is good enough.

 

 

         

 

 

 

      

  I added this picture in because some days it's the perfect illustration

     to define me as a mother.....exhausted!!! :)

 

 

 

The Bloggy blog is getting a facelift

 

Oh sweet bloggy blog it's not that I don't love you, it's not that I don't accept you just the way you are, and it's CERTAINLY not because I judge you by your appearance. It's just that you are looking a little drab, and sad, and like a girl who needs a little blow out and blush.

 

 

I'm super excted that in the next 30 days my blog will have her first makeover. It won't be anything fancy but it will look a little bit better than it's current state....stay tuned....

 

xo

Starting somewhere

You know that moment when you feel inspired, you discover something so big and new and exciting you can't possibly wait one more second to share it with the world?! Then the buzz wears off and you realize, "holy crap this is a lot of work!" Ummmm. yes this is me in 85% of my life.

(horribly dark picture because I was reading it last night in bed with a night light.)

For anyone who knows me even just a little, knows I am passionate, I am fiery and full of a zest for life. I am always seeking after things that are good, and fun, and healthy, and pure; but sometimes in the midst of this Marry Poppins way of living I am quickly, and most often abruptly reminded that I cannot blink something into existence.  That really awesome inspiring relationship with the Lord that that person over there has, took work, a lot of it! And that really nice fit and healthy body I'm admiring requires maintenance, determination and a heck of a lot of consistency. I forget all too often that those things that I see that get me excited, they are often times the end result, the result of what came after a lot of hard work, and  after navigating through the huge learning curve that comes with starting something new.

They say all roads are paved with good intentions and the road of Heather Harty is no different. I want the best for myself and my family and I am willing to do whatever it is God is calling me to do to make that happen, but sometimes I jump in too fast, rearend over tea kettle, and I forget to start at the beginning. Taking things one step at a time.

For me it seems those things that I get most excited about are also the very things that bring out my extreme lack of patience. I believe we are all instant gratification seekers by nature, but I just might take that concept to a whole other level. I came, I saw, I conquered, except in my world it's more like, I came, I saw, I conquered, I got really really excited, but really overwhelmed, sometimes too overwhelmed to get even get started. I am so someone who feels like I have to be 100% prepared for anything that I'm about to do. I want to have all of the knowledge, all the supplies, and every and anything that I may even possibly need to do what it is I'm setting out for. I just have that innate need to be a master at something before I've ever tried it, or to have that 'just in case' item even if I will never actually use it. It's defintiely not my most favorite trait although sometimes it comes in handy. This new eating way of life is no different. Up until today I have felt so intimitdated with the knowledge I've been given so far, I have felt too overwhelmed to put any of it into motion.

I have had many conversations with Derek lately over the In's and outs of these health changes and we both finally came to a conclusion that made sense for us and our family. Our health, our food habits just like all other things in life must happen in a fluid organic motion, in moderation, and in faith. Which basically means I need to chill out and turn the pressure cooker down a few notches. My intentions are good, my approach is a little abrupt. Shocking I know.

So in honor of this gradual, toes in the shallow end, feel out the sand before you head goes under, kind of living, instead of plotting and planning exactly how it will go and what it will look like, I just decided to start somewhere. I made a decisive decision to stop waiting until I had all the information, till I felt qualified enough to get started, and instead just jumped right in.

Page 76 'Double Double Drive In Burgers.' My first Vegan meal, (although for the record we aren't trying to be vegan's) I made it all by myself, with a 1 year old by my side for over an hour. I spilled twice. I put garlic powder on potatoes when the the filter sprinkle lid wasn't on it, I almost burned myself, the house was covered in lentils, and my baby may or may not have almost choked twice from dried Cheerios's she somehow found under the dishwasher (yuck) even though I SWEAR I sweep daily (almost).

It was like watching a homemade backyard circus, where the finale is filled with a collapsing tent, and toppled over elephants, but praise the good Lord I did it!!! And not only did I do it but it was fanfreakintastik!!! It was clean eating, healthy (for the most part) wasn't pre-frozen or pre-made or loaded with a bunch of junk, it was an actual made from scratch homemade new lifestyle healthy meal and I did it, which is seriously dang near a miracle!

 

 

The food being so delicious was definitely a part of what made me beam with pride, but really I was most excited because I just got started. For once the excitement and intimidation of something new didn't veer me away from just getting out there and getting started. This time I just picked a page, threw caution to the wind, and got started on what ended up being the first of many fabulous meals.


I love moments like these because it really sums up the essence of life; live now, don't wait to get started tomorrow. You will never truly be more ready or qualified to get started than you are today. Ultimately life and it's lessons are learned as you go, they are learned from the doing, and the sometimes failing. You can read, google, and talk about it all day long but at some point you must get out in the field, you must start somewhere. My somewhere started today, and the smell of garlic and basil tells me it was a success!

Happy almost Tuesday.

xoxo

Easing back in- What I know today

Well I'm here. I would say I'm back but typing that would be kind of like a verbal agreement with myself, an agreement that would declare that me and my blog are going to rendezvous daily, and that's just not a promise I can make in good conscious, but Lord knows I'm gonna do my best!

 

 

Apparently summer break isn't just for grade schooler's, or immature college kids who want to grasp one last beat of childhood before the real world  swallows them whole. Apparently summer break is also for mommy's and wives who still can't seem to get the swing of a consistent daily routine .This summer I took a break from quite a few things, and it's due time I get back to what makes me thrive like the moth bathing in the light of our front porch, I need structure.

 

This summer was paramount, and monumental, and magical, and busy and crazy and pretty much so many of my most favorite things wrapped up in a few months. It's no secret to anyone who knows me that having a child has pretty much turned me into even more of a sap, and a dreamer, and a suck the marrow out of life, unicorn loving, overall just much cheesier happier person; but add that with a season I love mixed with some warm weather and a few hundred instagram pics and you've got way more than one could or should ever wrap up in just one blog post. So today I will post on a more focused finite scale, painfully ignoring the overwhelming urge I have to post all 2,376 pics I took of our summer. That post is for another day (lucky you.)

 

 

Today, in spite of all of the elated joy I've experienced these past few months, I have had a day. One of those days where you think you're going to break out in tears, then you don't, but you definitely still feel the lump in your throat and aren't a hundred percent confident that they won't sneak up on you on the phone, or while cooking dinner, or possibly while trying to kill a spider with a swiffer that happens to be 3 inches away from your favorite blanket on the couch. (that happened) Honestly I think I'm hungover, I think the late nights, lake swims, family sleepovers, and the millions of nuggy summer firsts, have caught up with me and I'm full on hungover from summer. D has been working late for the past two weeks, and I've been lonely and tired, and overwhelmed, and well lets face it, being hungover sucks.

I love being a wife and a mommy and I literally can't possibly think of a time in which I have done anything more fulfilling than those two things, but with the sun comes the rain, and with the extreme volume of joy those things bring so it also brings with it a gazillion questions, worries, doubts and fears, and when I'm hungover on life I just don't handle these things well. Perspective is nowhere to be found and irrational illogical thoughts whirl around in my head and rent space in my heart. I think in the last two days I have said, "being a mom is so hard!" like a thousand bagillion times, 95% of the time to myself, but man is it true. The smell of fall slowly creeping in only reminds me that one day not too far away that crisp clean smell will bring with it intense sadness and anticipation as my first born will be navigating her way through kindergarten, and the volume of questions that plague my mind at the thought of this makes me just a wee bit anxious. It brings to mind so many of the challenges of being a parent. The unknowns, the things that your heart wants so badly for them, yet also the things you can't be guaranteed they will ever hear, or learn. That's the funny thing about life, about being in charge of raising another life, the questions, the worries they never go away.

There are so many things I don't know, that I simply can't know right now, or maybe ever. The sheer volume of things I desire for my family, for my marriage and for my children, could never be counted, they are literally never ending; But every morning that God has woken me up I have continued to be intentional about putting what he places on my heart into action. If I see it in my head, feel it in my heart, conceive it in my mind then I try real flippin hard to make it happen, to place the right foot in front of the left and move in that direction. I haven't arrived as a mother, or as a wife, and I think the big 'surprise' moment will hit me about 80 years from now, when the sheet is dropped and it is revealed that as a mom as a wife, and possibly as a human being you will never fully arrive, you will evolve.

So in lieu of the millions of answers I don't have, and the millions of things I wish I could control but can't, I will write tonight, those things in which I do know. For memory's sake, just in case I forget! I have felt so emotionally drained and a bit overwhelmed these past few days and I think solidifying a few truths I can conclude from today will help settle me, and help hydrate my soul and rid the hangover headache of these past few days.

 

 

Things I know today-  

Motherhood is hard, so is childbirth, but with an opened mouth baby kiss, or the offering of macaroni given out of the death grip of a chubby baby hand, the pain and difficulty can quickly be erased from the hard drive of your brain. You frequently become mush, the furrow of your brow softens and the rose colored glasses go back on. It is hard, but it is the best. Ever!

I am madly in love with my husband. Profound huh? Well let me tell you when you feel like you're finally seeing the top rim of a pretty long and deep valley, when you can see the light, and breath in the fresh oxygen of that which is often referred to in life as the 'peak or mountain,' that statement is in fact pretty freakin fantastic! Marriage has to be one of God's crazier ideas, right up there with forgiveness, but my goodness how incredibly beautiful, wonderful, and holy it can be when you really work hard for it. When you succumb to God's instruction, when you dig a little deeper, and discover those crazy truths that have more meaning now than they ever did; I am crazy in love with my husband.

 

 

I hate spiders. I Have a legitimate, hives, rash, frantic crying and paralysis, phobia of those little spawns of Satan. They freakin suck, and Senske is on speed dial for a reason. Not only did my mom and aunt have to move all my living room furniture and vacuum, dust and shake out every blanket in the room, but D and I gutted all of our landscaping around the house and have decided to replant all new NOT spider friendly foliage. Dramatic? Not in the slightest. Necessary? Totes!

I ate FIVE zucchini muffins in a matter of minutes. Yep Jo Jo that's right remember 3 hours ago when we were all frolicking in the grass watching the girls play and you sent me home with a bag of homemade zucchini muffins? Yep they're gone, and no one helped. Suuuweeeet!

I honestly 100% unequivocally without a shadow of a doubt could not imagine doing this life, living in this world without Jesus. Our relationship is not perfect, He is, but I'm not. He loves me anyways, and I kid you not there are mornings where I can tangibly feel His blanket of grace and love and mercy laying on me so heavy I actually feel equipped to live this life, not just surviving but like really truly living.

And in conclusion, as I wrap up this list of things I know for sure, these truths of mine, I end with this one.... I need an earlier bedtime, and an earlier wake time. I SUCK at getting to bed early which consequently means my Utopian vision I have of myself being a glorious chipper and productive morning person dies a slow death. I long to be the 9 o'clock bed timer that wakes fully refreshed at 5 am starting her day long before her loved ones, yet somehow I am the last out of bed and often times a shower is how I seem to end my day although it was scheduled at 9am :) So off to bed I go 10:46pm, I'll try much harder tomorrow night, I mean it is still summer break...

It feels good to be visiting this familiar place again, it feels necessary, and comfortable, I have no expectations for this silly little blog, it is what it is, kind of like me, some days it will be great, some day's not so much, but I will keep returning when the time is right. THIS too, is something I know.

Nighty night.

 



Feeling full

There's been a lot going on at the Harty House these past few weeks, a lot of craziness and a lot of chasing my own tail. I don't think there is a day that passes that I don't say to myself, "there's so much to do!!!!!" However there also isn't a day that passes where I can't hear the soft whisper of the holy spirit saying, "your priorities are a tad bit off...slow down... you're missing it!" It's a conversation in my head that I have become familiar with, one that some days really gets me down and other days I've learned to dance to. That elusive balance that we are all striving to find is like a little fly flying around my house. I can chase it for hours, have my hand right over it ready to capture it, and the second we make eye contact it flys away. Some days I swear I have it, other days I don't even know where it's at.

Often times in lieu of finding balance I tend to stumble upon a lot of halfway put together thoughts and epiphanies. I have that unsettled feeling in my heart knowing that the Lord is trying to show me the way but I just can't quite sit down long enough to hear what it is He saying. Many days I feel that I take seven steps forward, but not without taking three or sometimes ten steps back. I know that inevitably at some point the thoughts will match up with the emotions create a conclusion and then align with action. I know this day will come, and I can even feel it when it's near. The moment when everything orchestrates perfectly, and I grow.

This beautiful Mozart-Esq moment of growth finally happened last night. It was unplanned, God driven, and the resuscitation my soul needed. It was no secret to me that I have been struggling with something these past few months. The heavy heart, preoccupied mind, and perpetual anxiousness, were tell tale signs that something was brewing. It wasn't that anything was visibly wrong, or that I was in a state of depression by any means, in fact to the contrary these past months have been some of the best months of my life. I am living my dream of being a mommy, I am so madly in love with my husband, and I am feeling very blessed for where my life is at. It was more one of those things where you can have happiness but you may not have joy, or you can have rest, but you may not quite have peace. It's the feeling of knowing that I'm headed in the right direction, I'm just not there yet. However last night I think I turned a corner, I think I found the there that I have been looking for.

Last night D and I were having an "intentional" dinner. No TV, no music, and hardly any light. The no light part wasn't planned, we just talked all the way through the sunset. Ever since he had gotten home he wanted to tell me about this amazing mother's day sermon that he had listened to on his way home from work. He listens to sermons quite often, and is always up for talking about them, but last night was different. Last night he could hardly wait to give me the play by play of what was preached, and what started off as a conversation about the sermon ended in tears, clarity, and an immense covering of peace. He didn't intend to talk to me about my "issues" and didn't necessarily intend to ease my heavy heart, but God knew, and Derek was listening.

The sermon was about rest. Having that moment of solitude with God and nothing and no one else. Mastering the art of just being, just living in the present. It was then that I blurted out how, I could never do that; how taking time to rest is just too hard for my crazy, overworked mind. In a little bit of shock and sadness he could see what was behind those words. He proceeded to invest in me in those next moments, and started asking those probing questions that you know are going to reveal a whole lot of ugly. Truth is I am totally preoccupied one hundred percent of the time. For me blogs, pinterest, facebook, and instagram, and the 24/7 access, are like 20 shots of espresso to a person with ADD. It's just no good, and the damage that it's doing is just now beginning to show. All of these sites in and of itself are great. They are entertaining, great for connecting with others, and often times super helpful, but just as chocolate is good for you in very small doses, so it goes for the world of social media. There's so much out there now, so many how to's, and so many front row viewings of how everyone else is living their lives. In the beginning I was entertained, but over time the want and at times obsession to, do make, bake, and clean, have replaced my rest, peace and most important my time with God. I understand the standards the world has for you if you live of  the world, but I don't live of the world, I am a believer who lives with eternal and biblical principles. God is my boss and I don't answer to anyone else. I will not be on my death bed smiling back on the DIY Christmas wreath I made from Pinterest. I won't be glad over the 500 and some friends I had on facebook, and I certainly wont be focusing on how clean my house was, or if my 10 month old was doing the latest and greatest developmental activities perfectly suited for her age. Life is more, SO much more, and if I am not centered, if I am not taking time to rest in the Lord, be present and handsfree, I will literally miss it all, and die a slow death in the process. I will miss the random little baby kisses, the moments when my husband is trying to connect with me, the mornings when the birds are singing, and the nights that are warm enough to sit outside till dawn. If I don't put these worldly expectations in check I will miss it all.

Last night my husband invested in me, he asked me thought provoking questions, and challenged me in places I needed to be challenged. In some ways he loved me all the way back to my God, the place where I can rest and just be. There are many times where the busyness of the day gets the best of me and Derek. Those days where we lay our head to sleep and haven't connected, haven't been intentional with one another. I could go on and on about the inter workings of a marriage, and the maintenance a marriage needs, but that is definitely a conversation for another day. What I will say is that last night, by the grace of God my mind was free and clear for just a second, and in that second I was able to sit, without distraction, and allow my husband to help guide me back home.

Last night was the first time in a long time where my phone wasn't the third person in bed with us, I wasn't facebooking, or pinning, or catching up with a friend. I wasn't planning meals, or cleaning schedules, and I wasn't going over our "summer projects" list. Last night I read my dream table book, I cuddled with D and I fell asleep, no anxiety, no worries, just deep breaths and peace. When I woke this morning I didn't go to grab my phone, or even my coffee. My soul felt clear and awake for the first time in a long time. Now am I plugging my old flip phone back in and giving up the Internet? No. Is this semi-euphoric state going to last forever, probably not.... but, if I invest, if I prioritize, can the peace and comfort I feel right now be found in the Lord over and over and over again? Absolutely!

I truly believe the best parts of life, the parts that you don't want to miss for the world, aren't the things happening on facebook, or in the millions of projects and to-do's on pinterest. They aren't even the moments people blog about on their blogs. The very best is happening most often, right in front of us, in private; the good conversations, the laughs,  the sunsets, the great meals, the worshipping, and the serving of others. Sadly today most of us are missing some or dare I say most of these moments. In today's world we are going to have to fight like hell to keep our priorities in line, we have to fight to live in the moment without having to explain ourselves. If we are going to soak up the good stuff while we are still here, something is going to have to change. Everything is good in moderation, but God is best in bulk! He is my starting point and my landing place and if I can live in him every day, then I can finally get back to really truly living!

On the job training

I still remember those first days, the first weeks of each new job I have ever had...where my to-do list is presented to me, I am explained of my expectations and then set free to go perform. I loved those first days, when my role was clearly defined. I am a type A personality for the most part, I am anal retentive on certain things, and I like structure order and consistency. I like to know what people expect of me, and I like to be able to meet their expectations, and as much as I would like to say that my entire identity is wrapped up in God view of me, I have to say much of my life, who I thought I was, and the value I held was wrapped up in my ability to please. I felt most valuable when I could perform to people's liking, when I worked as hard as they needed, did the things they expected and could check everything off of my list of to-do's. I have never been a morning person, yet I thrive on the structure of having to be up and ready by a certain time. I get excited knowing someone is waiting for me to show up and be productive. I work best when someone is asking me to show them what I have accomplished for the day. When I have time limits, deadlines, and expectation, I can deliver.

 Yet through all of these jobs I have held, I have never been working to climb the corporate ladder, I haven't been scheming and dreaming of being at the "top."  In fact all of this hard work was just to contribute, to fill the in between of life, the time between being a child, and becoming a wife and mommy. It's true when I look back at my childhood and adolescent years, above all dreams, what I wanted the very most, was to marry the man of my dreams, to be his wife, and eventually become a mommy. I have dreamt of waves of laughter painting the walls of my home, I looked forward to tiny fingerprints on the window, and the words "mom" being yelled as the soundtrack to our home. I have dreamt of to do list's filled with, making homemade baby food, organizing fun activities, reading and playing games, laundry, and dishes. I gleefully chose to give up my salary and awesome benefits, for life on a budget, and "homemade fun!" And if you stripped my heart and my mind you would find no other desires, no other secret dreams of me doing anything or being anywhere else.

However, in the past month or so I have really found myself struggling with this new job title of mine, and quite honestly part of my struggles have been figuring out why I am even struggling in the first place. But alas, over the past week of praying, crying, searching, and pouring my soul to Derek, I have been able to articulate exactly what it is I am feeling, and why I am finding this position, at my dream job to be weighing heavy on my heart.....This job is the hardest job I have ever had!!! That's it, it's just hard!

A year ago I was dreaming, praying, practically begging God for a way to be exactly where I am today...home with my baby, being a wife and a mom. I wanted this position and I fought hard for it, but 9 months into it I am realizing that all of the things that helped me identify who I was and give me my value have all but disappeared. I don't have a boss to answer to, I don't have checklists, expectations, or a schedule for that matter. I don't have a paycheck to reflect my skill, or a list of newly learned skills to add to my resume. Today I am my own boss, in the business of domesticity, and what I have learned about this field is the expectations are a lot harder to define, and yet the pressure and the sheer guilt that comes along with this position is like nothing I have ever known before.

You can scan pinterest for a mere five minutes and find pictures of a million different "duties" that pertain to this job, there's activities for infants, making homemade baby food, clothes, and diapers, there's a how-to guide on how to clean your entire house in 15 minutes, have it decorated floor to ceiling in 100% DIY decor, and of course the 101 hot date ideas for all that alone and romantic time you have with your spouse. There are school ideas, and home school ideas, recipes for healthy living, tricks for keeping your child well behaved and well rounded, helping them sleep through the night, and of course the calendar for the "optimal time" for adding a second, third, and fourth, child to the mix. And let me not forget to mention the top 50 baby pictures you must have of your infant before they turn one, the different ways to chronicle their every move, and last the millions of different links to different blogs that in turn can show you, in detail, the daily successes of people just like you holding the very same job title. It's exhausting. It's exciting. It's making me crazy!!!!

On July 11th 2011 when I, in my agony, excitement, and tears pushed out my daughter, what was also gained was the birth of what I call "Mommy guilt." That little sensor that was added to my heart that allows me to feel EVERYTHING! When they are little you feel bad if they are too hot or too cold, if they can't sleep, if they get too hungry, or if their poor little tummy's have gas; as they grow you feel guilty if they hear you and your husband argue, if they get scared by a loud noise, or if their nose is so stuffed they can't breath. On top of these immediate more obvious one's, there is that underlying guilt, Should I be working and allowing her to be socialized at a school? Will she be kind? Will she be patient? Will she be happy? Will she know and love the Lord? Should I be working to make more money so we can give her more? Will she know how to share? Is she getting enough learning time, and playing time, and the list goes on and on.

Learning how to do this new job has been quite the transition, instead of an office where I can come and go, I live where I work. Instead of an outline of policies and procedure, I pray, and make it up as I go. Instead of answering to a boss, I am answering to myself. It's ambiguous, and often times overwhelming. Waking up to a blank canvass and a to-do list that truly recycles itself daily, I am struggling to know where I begin and when the list should end. Is it most important that I start the laundry or take a shower? Should I sit down and play with baby or pack D's lunch, do I work out so I can stay healthy and hot for my husband, or do I wash the car, and pay the bills? Do I stay home and put nuggy in front of her toys so I can bust off five to-do's off my list, or do I stop everything and give her the stimulation, attention and affection that she needs? Do I visit the people who have emailed and texted, hoping to see Nuggy, or do I keep her home and clean up the mess from breakfast, and snack, and prepare dinner? Do I wake and have my alone time with God or do I sleep the extra 30 minutes so I can be that much more energized? If I were at my old job the answers to these types of questions would be easy, and when and if there were doubt I would look to my boss and ask for guidance, and when I completed that of which she had asked I would feel accomplished and satisfied. At the very least if I didn't know what the boss wanted, or I didn't get my list all checked off I would at be able to leave at closing time, turn it all off, go home and forget about it until the next day. When you work at home there is no clock in and clock out; and on the rare times when I try to turn it off, relax and just be Heather for a moment, not very far away is the mommy guilt, and the wife guilt that reminds me, that if I just stayed up a little later or got back to work, I could do more, and be more. If I can just keep going I will become the great employee I am striving to be. It's exhausting, and it's wonderful. It's a perfect combination of the hardest and greatest thing I have ever done in my entire life. But my heart is heavy and the guilt is slowly getting more of my heart than the joy, and that needs to change.

So last night I sat down under the blanket of stars, on the front porch swing and cried my eyes out to Derek. I sobbed my feelings of pressure, no clear expectations, and the constant feeling that no matter what I chose, regardless of if I were working so we had more money, or staying home and being the keeper of my home, or if my house was clean and child ignored, or child happy and house a mess, I would still feel guilty. Through the sobs and the tears I tried to explain a job that is almost impossible to explain, from the outside it looks like the easy option. To society being a stay at home mom is the life of those whose husbands make so much money the wife's only requirement is to make it on time to Pilate's so she can fit into her designer jeans. But what most don't see is those of us who are recreating our lives on one salary, learning how to live on and with less so that their children can have more. There are no 15 minute breaks and times in which you are allowed to do nothing and just check out, and believe me if you take a break that guilt creeps in so strong you swear you can reach out and touch it. And the hardest part of it all is there is no one to turn to to reassure you that you have worked so hard you MUST take a break, you must breath, and relax and enjoy. So you keep going until like me you emotionally can't go anymore.

Before I go on I need to interject here to make it very clear that I am in no way saying that being a SAHM is any harder, better or more noble that being a working mom. Honestly I have more respect, and admiration for working mommy's than I think most people could even imagine. I say it all the time, but truly I don't know how they do it!!! The point I was trying to communicate is that there is a world of many SAHM's that people don't understand. And because of the millions of mom's who would give anything to be a sahm often times it's hard to even talk about these feelings because even that makes you feel guilty. It feels rude to talk about the hardships of a life that some women would give their right arm to have. So many times we don't talk about it and can feel quite alone.

Anyways, after my long winded sob session, I stopped talking, and looked to my husband for the words to carry me out of this confusion. And out of all of the millions of things he could of said, he laid it out pretty clear and simple... He reminded me that God is my boss, my job description is not on pinterest, or a blog, it's in the bible. The woman, wife, and mother I should be striving to be should be pleasing to the Lord. He told me that all he asks is that I take the blank canvas of my days and fill them with God, I work on learning, and growing as God's child first. He explained that once I am strong, confident, and in sync with God then I can be the encouraging, and supportive wife that he needs me to be. And when I am in sync with God, and lifting my husband up with prayer, and strength, it is then I can be the kind of wonderful mother God created me to be. He said he would be that happiest man in the earth, even if he had to work a million jobs to keep me home, if he knew that I was filling our house with the strength, love, prayer, and hope that can only come from the Lord. And then he told me to forget everything else I have heard, seen and read, and to move forward. So here I am... moving forward.

What I have learned in the last 24 hours has been invaluable, no book, or blog, email, or text could have given me the peace I found in Derek's words last night. He was right, God is my boss and I should be looking to him, checking in hourly, making sure I am aligned with His will and plans for me as a wife, as a mom, and as His child. I need to lean not on my own understanding or expectations but on His.  All the rest is great, but it's not for me, and in order to do my job well, in order to succeed and thrive in this new position I have been blessed with, I have to listen to my husband, and let the rest go!

And my prayer as I am writing this is that more mom's can find a way to turn the mommy guilt off, that they can stop looking to the world to give them their job description, and seek God above it all. I pray more of us mom's can find peace in His encouragement, and to know that we are doing a great job, we are succeeding, and there is no more important job in all the world than the one we are doing at home.

Easy like a Sunday mornin'........

Cause I'm eaaaaasssssaaayyyy easy like a sunday mornin'......aaaahhhhh aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhh aaahhhh easy luke a Sunday  mornin'....

I feel like this was my theme song for today! What a glorious, marvelous, fabulous day today was! It was the iceing on a delicious cream cheese frosting confetti cake that was this weekend! We started our day doing some unusual things for a Sunday...D went golfing (okay not suuuuper unusual but kind of for a Sunday), and Nuggy, Mimi and I followed the  Fowlers out to the middle of nowhere, a beautiful nowhere, for a Vogue-esque baby photoshoot :) There were wardrobe changes, and accessories and momarrazi and it was absolute adorable. Truly I am certain that my little nook up in heaven will be FULL of babies, I just can't get enough of them! Nuggys bff Addy was also in the shoot and per the usual Nuggy kind of wouldnt get out of her personal bubble. It was a beautiful location, with great outfits and accessories, and for all of the babies, outfit changes, and prop changes it went extremely smooth and was very well organized! We were super grateful to be a part of this little baby shoot...it was a blast!

Once Nuggy was done smiling for the cameras we headed home for some lunch and a nap. What actually ended up transpiring, was an hour  and forty minutes of mommy and daddy being thoroughly entertained by the babe tv (baby monitor). Honestly I don't know what her deal was but sister was CRAZY and couldn't relax enough to fall asleep! She was head banging, going in circles, yelling, singing, laughing, and screaming w excitement for what felt like an eternity....being that it was so beautiful out me and D decided to take our baby circus viewing and some snacks out to the front porch. I don't know if it was the lull of nuggy's laughter or the cool breeze with the warm sun on my toes, but it wasn't long before I was passed out on the front porch swing, it was sooooo dreamy!!! D ended up falling asleep too, once Nuggy finally drew the curtain on her performance, and the three of us rested.... peaceful, free, and easy like a sunday mornin!

Once we woke we packed up and headed to Mimi and Papa's. We met Bean, Crystal, and Stinkerman, there and filled the afternoon with lots of baby laughter. We played and ate, and played and ate some more. We had burgers, brussel sprouts, potatoes, and corn on the cob for dinner, and the usual Folkins' dessert, ice cream and hot fudge. We went to the park where we got out any last ounce of energy that might have been hiding somewhere in our bodies, well to be more accurrate I should say Jaxon got out his last balls of crazy while Nuggy and I hung on the grass. Looking around and seeing all the kids playing and parents smiling, made it clear, spring is here and summer is right around the corner my friends!! This fabulous  night ended w two little babes in the kitchen sink , rinsing off the sticky combination of sweat, and sunscreen off their bitty little baby/toddler bodies. It was a perfect summer-like family afternoon, we sucked every ounce of sun and fun out of this day, and we loved every minute!

Honestly just as I do with D's family, whenever we are driving home I reflect on the time we are so.crazy fortunate to have with each other, and I feel totally content. Neither one of our families are perfect, and ironically neither are me or D :) , but there is a lot of love, and laughter and joy amongst all of us. We do a great job of maximizing our time together, and let me tell you what...I wouldnt trade these moments for anything in the whole wide world!

My life isn't always easy, it isn't perfect, and it sure isnt all playtime and roses, but it's a pretty simple life, and to me it's full of all the right things...God, family, love and lots of laughter! This weekend we put down the to do list, and just lived...and sweet Lord did it feel good! Looking forward to see what God has in store for the week!