On the job training

I still remember those first days, the first weeks of each new job I have ever had...where my to-do list is presented to me, I am explained of my expectations and then set free to go perform. I loved those first days, when my role was clearly defined. I am a type A personality for the most part, I am anal retentive on certain things, and I like structure order and consistency. I like to know what people expect of me, and I like to be able to meet their expectations, and as much as I would like to say that my entire identity is wrapped up in God view of me, I have to say much of my life, who I thought I was, and the value I held was wrapped up in my ability to please. I felt most valuable when I could perform to people's liking, when I worked as hard as they needed, did the things they expected and could check everything off of my list of to-do's. I have never been a morning person, yet I thrive on the structure of having to be up and ready by a certain time. I get excited knowing someone is waiting for me to show up and be productive. I work best when someone is asking me to show them what I have accomplished for the day. When I have time limits, deadlines, and expectation, I can deliver.

 Yet through all of these jobs I have held, I have never been working to climb the corporate ladder, I haven't been scheming and dreaming of being at the "top."  In fact all of this hard work was just to contribute, to fill the in between of life, the time between being a child, and becoming a wife and mommy. It's true when I look back at my childhood and adolescent years, above all dreams, what I wanted the very most, was to marry the man of my dreams, to be his wife, and eventually become a mommy. I have dreamt of waves of laughter painting the walls of my home, I looked forward to tiny fingerprints on the window, and the words "mom" being yelled as the soundtrack to our home. I have dreamt of to do list's filled with, making homemade baby food, organizing fun activities, reading and playing games, laundry, and dishes. I gleefully chose to give up my salary and awesome benefits, for life on a budget, and "homemade fun!" And if you stripped my heart and my mind you would find no other desires, no other secret dreams of me doing anything or being anywhere else.

However, in the past month or so I have really found myself struggling with this new job title of mine, and quite honestly part of my struggles have been figuring out why I am even struggling in the first place. But alas, over the past week of praying, crying, searching, and pouring my soul to Derek, I have been able to articulate exactly what it is I am feeling, and why I am finding this position, at my dream job to be weighing heavy on my heart.....This job is the hardest job I have ever had!!! That's it, it's just hard!

A year ago I was dreaming, praying, practically begging God for a way to be exactly where I am today...home with my baby, being a wife and a mom. I wanted this position and I fought hard for it, but 9 months into it I am realizing that all of the things that helped me identify who I was and give me my value have all but disappeared. I don't have a boss to answer to, I don't have checklists, expectations, or a schedule for that matter. I don't have a paycheck to reflect my skill, or a list of newly learned skills to add to my resume. Today I am my own boss, in the business of domesticity, and what I have learned about this field is the expectations are a lot harder to define, and yet the pressure and the sheer guilt that comes along with this position is like nothing I have ever known before.

You can scan pinterest for a mere five minutes and find pictures of a million different "duties" that pertain to this job, there's activities for infants, making homemade baby food, clothes, and diapers, there's a how-to guide on how to clean your entire house in 15 minutes, have it decorated floor to ceiling in 100% DIY decor, and of course the 101 hot date ideas for all that alone and romantic time you have with your spouse. There are school ideas, and home school ideas, recipes for healthy living, tricks for keeping your child well behaved and well rounded, helping them sleep through the night, and of course the calendar for the "optimal time" for adding a second, third, and fourth, child to the mix. And let me not forget to mention the top 50 baby pictures you must have of your infant before they turn one, the different ways to chronicle their every move, and last the millions of different links to different blogs that in turn can show you, in detail, the daily successes of people just like you holding the very same job title. It's exhausting. It's exciting. It's making me crazy!!!!

On July 11th 2011 when I, in my agony, excitement, and tears pushed out my daughter, what was also gained was the birth of what I call "Mommy guilt." That little sensor that was added to my heart that allows me to feel EVERYTHING! When they are little you feel bad if they are too hot or too cold, if they can't sleep, if they get too hungry, or if their poor little tummy's have gas; as they grow you feel guilty if they hear you and your husband argue, if they get scared by a loud noise, or if their nose is so stuffed they can't breath. On top of these immediate more obvious one's, there is that underlying guilt, Should I be working and allowing her to be socialized at a school? Will she be kind? Will she be patient? Will she be happy? Will she know and love the Lord? Should I be working to make more money so we can give her more? Will she know how to share? Is she getting enough learning time, and playing time, and the list goes on and on.

Learning how to do this new job has been quite the transition, instead of an office where I can come and go, I live where I work. Instead of an outline of policies and procedure, I pray, and make it up as I go. Instead of answering to a boss, I am answering to myself. It's ambiguous, and often times overwhelming. Waking up to a blank canvass and a to-do list that truly recycles itself daily, I am struggling to know where I begin and when the list should end. Is it most important that I start the laundry or take a shower? Should I sit down and play with baby or pack D's lunch, do I work out so I can stay healthy and hot for my husband, or do I wash the car, and pay the bills? Do I stay home and put nuggy in front of her toys so I can bust off five to-do's off my list, or do I stop everything and give her the stimulation, attention and affection that she needs? Do I visit the people who have emailed and texted, hoping to see Nuggy, or do I keep her home and clean up the mess from breakfast, and snack, and prepare dinner? Do I wake and have my alone time with God or do I sleep the extra 30 minutes so I can be that much more energized? If I were at my old job the answers to these types of questions would be easy, and when and if there were doubt I would look to my boss and ask for guidance, and when I completed that of which she had asked I would feel accomplished and satisfied. At the very least if I didn't know what the boss wanted, or I didn't get my list all checked off I would at be able to leave at closing time, turn it all off, go home and forget about it until the next day. When you work at home there is no clock in and clock out; and on the rare times when I try to turn it off, relax and just be Heather for a moment, not very far away is the mommy guilt, and the wife guilt that reminds me, that if I just stayed up a little later or got back to work, I could do more, and be more. If I can just keep going I will become the great employee I am striving to be. It's exhausting, and it's wonderful. It's a perfect combination of the hardest and greatest thing I have ever done in my entire life. But my heart is heavy and the guilt is slowly getting more of my heart than the joy, and that needs to change.

So last night I sat down under the blanket of stars, on the front porch swing and cried my eyes out to Derek. I sobbed my feelings of pressure, no clear expectations, and the constant feeling that no matter what I chose, regardless of if I were working so we had more money, or staying home and being the keeper of my home, or if my house was clean and child ignored, or child happy and house a mess, I would still feel guilty. Through the sobs and the tears I tried to explain a job that is almost impossible to explain, from the outside it looks like the easy option. To society being a stay at home mom is the life of those whose husbands make so much money the wife's only requirement is to make it on time to Pilate's so she can fit into her designer jeans. But what most don't see is those of us who are recreating our lives on one salary, learning how to live on and with less so that their children can have more. There are no 15 minute breaks and times in which you are allowed to do nothing and just check out, and believe me if you take a break that guilt creeps in so strong you swear you can reach out and touch it. And the hardest part of it all is there is no one to turn to to reassure you that you have worked so hard you MUST take a break, you must breath, and relax and enjoy. So you keep going until like me you emotionally can't go anymore.

Before I go on I need to interject here to make it very clear that I am in no way saying that being a SAHM is any harder, better or more noble that being a working mom. Honestly I have more respect, and admiration for working mommy's than I think most people could even imagine. I say it all the time, but truly I don't know how they do it!!! The point I was trying to communicate is that there is a world of many SAHM's that people don't understand. And because of the millions of mom's who would give anything to be a sahm often times it's hard to even talk about these feelings because even that makes you feel guilty. It feels rude to talk about the hardships of a life that some women would give their right arm to have. So many times we don't talk about it and can feel quite alone.

Anyways, after my long winded sob session, I stopped talking, and looked to my husband for the words to carry me out of this confusion. And out of all of the millions of things he could of said, he laid it out pretty clear and simple... He reminded me that God is my boss, my job description is not on pinterest, or a blog, it's in the bible. The woman, wife, and mother I should be striving to be should be pleasing to the Lord. He told me that all he asks is that I take the blank canvas of my days and fill them with God, I work on learning, and growing as God's child first. He explained that once I am strong, confident, and in sync with God then I can be the encouraging, and supportive wife that he needs me to be. And when I am in sync with God, and lifting my husband up with prayer, and strength, it is then I can be the kind of wonderful mother God created me to be. He said he would be that happiest man in the earth, even if he had to work a million jobs to keep me home, if he knew that I was filling our house with the strength, love, prayer, and hope that can only come from the Lord. And then he told me to forget everything else I have heard, seen and read, and to move forward. So here I am... moving forward.

What I have learned in the last 24 hours has been invaluable, no book, or blog, email, or text could have given me the peace I found in Derek's words last night. He was right, God is my boss and I should be looking to him, checking in hourly, making sure I am aligned with His will and plans for me as a wife, as a mom, and as His child. I need to lean not on my own understanding or expectations but on His.  All the rest is great, but it's not for me, and in order to do my job well, in order to succeed and thrive in this new position I have been blessed with, I have to listen to my husband, and let the rest go!

And my prayer as I am writing this is that more mom's can find a way to turn the mommy guilt off, that they can stop looking to the world to give them their job description, and seek God above it all. I pray more of us mom's can find peace in His encouragement, and to know that we are doing a great job, we are succeeding, and there is no more important job in all the world than the one we are doing at home.