Heaven is so lucky to have you...

 One year ago today the Lord visited a room in the far back corner of Hospice. He gently entered the room and carried my Nana across the threshold of heaven like a groom to his blushing bride on their wedding night. There were tears of sadness, and hands that didn't want to let go, but these were not the sentiments of those is heaven awaiting her arrival. In heaven there were angels singing, trumpets playing, and our loved ones we have lost standing at the gates saying, "Welcome Home!!!" The greatest reunion that was happening at that moment, other than the moment my Nana met the Lord, was that of a mother and her child and a wife and her husband. Life coming full circle...love finding its way home!

 I will never forget that day, but not just because of the sadness I felt, but because I saw her soul leave to Heaven, I saw our heavenly father cradle her in his arms and tell her, "It's okay to let go, I will take care of your children, but I am ready for you my child to come home with me."

One of my Nana's greatest successes was her children. She gave birth to and raised five wonderful children, who loved and adored her with every fiber of their being. Her children and grandchildren were her world. So many of the amazing qualities that made my Nana so uniquely her, were the same qualities she passed down to my mom. I am so grateful that my Nana was the kind of mother she was because she gave me a mommy I simply adore. She gave me a mommy who is gentle, and kind, and always listens. She gave me a mom that makes me feel like I can do anything, like no matter what I do or where I go, I will always be loved. And I know that my mom is this way because this is the kind of mommy she had.

And my momma's hands are soft, almost as soft as Nana's :)

I have experienced death in different ways. I have experienced death abrupt and without warning, and I have been there at my Nana's death bed day in and day out watching her give a more thorough goodbye. I have decided that neither is more or less painful, neither gives you any more closure than the other; both bring tears to my eyes just the same. But the one common thing I have found in both of these losses is the authentic, deep in my heart, unshakable comfort I feel in knowing that those that I have loved and lost are dancing with angels, and basking in the light of our Heavenly father. They are home, free from pain and worry, and experiencing the kind of love and joy that only exists in Heaven.

 For me Heaven isn't a magical make believe place that people mention in a time of sadness to bring them comfort. For me and my house we do serve the Lord and I know that just as I have witnessed the miracle of life,  God has a home where he sits on His throne protecting and providing. A place where pain doesn't exist and love is overflowing. There is a Heaven, and I was more sure of that than ever when I watched as my Nana passed. Right before her soul flew away she would often, without words, look up and smile as if she already saw her path home. She would take breaths as deep as the ocean, and finally for the first time she looked at peace. Nana Jo went to Heaven, and I long for the day when we can join her!

I can't really put into words what kind of woman my Nana was, because to be completely honest there aren't many people in this world like her. Words like selfless, kind, authentic, compassionate, generous beyond measure, and one who exudes UNCONDITIONAL love, would only scratch the service, and hardly do her justice. I know she wasn't perfect but I am not certain what her imperfections really were. There was something about the way she lived that made the world warmer. The Lord demands to live IN this world but not OF this world, I would say that is exactly how she lived. Nana had a spirit that entered the room before she did, and stayed long after she left.  Every single person that came in contact with her felt instantly loved and respected by her. She wasn't impressed with money, success, or outwardly appearances, and no matter what bad you may have done she loved you anyways. I always, since I was little said she was an angel, because from what I knew of angels they loved like the Lord loves us. He sees our imperfections and loves us harder and stronger... that was how she loved...just like the Lord. After she passed, through the tears and the raw sadness, everyone cried for the same reason..."No one has ever loved me like she did, no one has loved me as unconditionally as she did!"

She was gentle, pure, honest and absolutely lovely!  

 One of my favorite things to do was play the question game with my her. I would, in true Heddie fashion, ask the questions that most probably don't ask their Nana's, and she with laughter and sincere thought answered every single one of them, even the super inappropriate and ridiculous ones! One time I asked my Nana, what she wanted to be when she grew up? Well known, well liked, wealthy, and famous, were not her answers. You know what her answer was? "A lady!" Yes, the answer to a question that has been asked millions of times, was probably a one of a kind original answer that I am guessing no one else has ever said. My Nana, since her youth aspired to be a lady, and you know what, in every sense of the word she was. Gracious, lovely and beautiful!

 Three days before Nana passed, after days of not waking up, she woke. She spoke lovely words to everyone in the room, she recognized each and every one of us, and took the time to tell us how much she loved us. With her gentle soft hands she held mine and told me that she loved me, and in that moment I got to tell her that Derek and I were having a baby. She cried, so did I! And every single day I look at my sweet angel I say to her, "Your Nana would have loved you, she would have kissed you and held you and told you how special you are. She would have made you feel like you were the most wonderful baby that ever lived!" And I can't help but to think that Nana has already met my little angel, and she protects her every day.

 Nana wasn't just a grandma you see at the holidays...No she was one I spent the weekends with as a child, and one that picked me up from school, and came to my soccer games. I remember staying with her as a child, having Graham cracker milkshakes, and the way she would always scrub in between my toes in the bath and make me laugh SO hard. I remember watching I love Lucy reruns on nik at night. The way she squirted scope into her mouth, from the bottle on her night stand right before we would go to sleep. I remember how sweet and soothing her voice was as we would pray, "Now I lay me down to sleep.." No one can make a bologna and tomato sandwich like my Nana, and NO one had softer skin than she did. It doesn't matter if it was a C squad volleyball game, or a concert me and my brother were putting on in our play room, she was there. And as I got older she was there for the bigger things, the things that I don't think she knew I couldn't get through without her. Freshman year, on the rooftop deck of my Sorority house as I paced in tears with anxiety attacks, she was there. I used to go to the roof to cry, to pray, and to just breath, I don't think she ever realized I brought her there with me. She helped me pray, and breath, and cry, and clear my head, and I will never forget the days I stared at the big city skyline feeling overwhelmed and insignificant, and how she loved and listened and how she truly made me feel like it was all okay. And when I first moved home to Spokane on another difficult day when I was anxious, and overwhelmed she was there. I layed on the couch, while she played with my hair and we talked. She reminded me that what I felt was normal, and that she and God loved me, and this too shall pass. And on that day she passed, somehow all of those times where she comforted me as I cried, were enough. They manifested in my soul and I knew that day as she was leaving us, that she and God loved me, and this pain too shall pass.  

 Today is a bittersweet day. Selfishly I miss my her so much I could fill buckets with my tears, I wish she was here to watch Livy grow, to make her famous thanksgiving stuffing, and to hear her laugh, and hold her soft hands. But the other part of me is joyful and grateful. Joyful that she is at peace, on a permanent vacation just singing and dancing with God. And grateful that I have all of these incredible memories with such an amazing human being. That I can take the love she has given me and give it to those I love who are still with me. Grateful that I can sit my daughter down some day and show her what it really means to be a lady! A year ago today I was empty and sad. Today my heart is full!

Heaven is lucky to have you Nana Jo!

30 days

So apparently it takes 30 days to create or break a habit. And Lordy Lordy do I need to create and break a few habits. In fact I think if I break a few habits I will then have time to create some new ones, so its a win win for all involved!

I have decided that the only way I am ever going to successfully journal our daily happenings here on the interweb is if i CREATE the habit of doing it every single day, rather it is the most fabulous post ever or the most boring and lame thing you have ever wasted your time reading :) I have decided that I need to track our daily life, not the moments when I have a profound thought that I need to work through via my blog. I need to start documenting all of the little tiny things that happen every day that I will want to look back and remember. I want to capture the sights, sounds, smells, and thoughts of each day because quite honestly I know in my heart of hearts it will never be as simple as it is now.

So normally I seem to post Olivia's month birthday posts and then don't really post a lot in between, so to help create this new habit I am going to post her 4 month post tomorrow and today post about today, and the kind of fabulous nothingness that happened today.

My dear sweet little Livy pie is going through what I believe to be, the 4 month sleep regression. And me oh my is it a doozy!!! No nap, not even on me, lasts longer that 45 minutes, and her crib? Yeah we are averaging about five 27 minute naps, and night time??? Well after the growth spurt and cold she finally got back to her 8-9 hour stint followed by two 2 hour stints, that was until a couple days ago when she hit the crazy 4 month, mommy and daddy will get no sleep stage. Poor thing she is super busy these days. Her development is happening at such a faster pace these days that, according to experts, causes a sleep regression, one that makes it difficult for them to travel to the deeper sleeps that we have grown to know and love. I feel so bad for her, I mean you watch her sleep and she just looks busy, it does not look like a peaceful sleep. Because of this I have not had a suuuper productive week thus far, or have I??? I have just been feeling so lazy lately because I am so tired that it takes me forever to get anything done. On the other hand, because of this I have cuddled more and visited more with my little baby O... So maybe these past few days I have been right where I am supposed to be.

This weekend was fun. Friday I spent the day with my momma and baby decorating the house for Christmas, MY FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR!!! It couldn't have come at a more perfect time because just as the Lord would have it, I decorated, played the music, cozied the house, bought the Nativity Christmas story, and the elf (naturally), and the Good Lord brought me snow!!! Oh but I forgot the absolute most important and exciting thing, Livy baby ate solids for the first time!!! HOLY MOLY!!!! Where did my baby go??!?!? I will give the deets on her 4 month check up tomorrow, but the Doc said she was absolutely ready for solids, and he reccomended mixing it with a solid just to give a little flavor, so carrots it was, and she LOOOOOVED it! I cried and laughed and smiled so hard the entire time she was eating. I was so proud that she is such a big girl, yet so sad because I realized if you blink, IF you dare close your eyes for one minute your baby will grow into a big girl! But I must say it also makes me so grateful that the Lord has blessed us with another day with our baby, and has given us a healthy baby who is developing and becoming a fabulous little human.

Saturday we lounged most of the day, had a wonderful day enjoying the smell of Christmas candles and a cozy winter day with my two faves. We also had the nicest visit with my dear friend Shawna and her little boy who literally melts you with just one look. Saturday night we had our first night out for Crystals birthday. It was our first night out since having O and it was waaay harder than I thought it would be, even though she was sleeping for the night when I left, I still was kind of sad that I wasn't there to crawl into bed right next to her. Ray and Connie came out, had dinner, and watched her, or supervised her sleep, while Derek and I went to Goodtymes and had ourselves a GoodTIME!!! hahah SUCH a mom joke!!! Quite honestly I have had NO desire to go to the bars for such a long time, it just never sounds fun to me, but I wanted to see my family and ended up having a dance parTAY for a good 45 minutes. And let me just state for the record, I forgot how fun it is to just and dance and dance and dance, leaving everyone to believe that me the crazy girl on the dance floor was wasted while really I left as sober as the day is long :) And btw dancing with my hot husband was quite a delight, he still makes me all giddy!!! At the end of the night coming home to my sleeping baby was the highlight of the night.... ugh, how I love that girl!

Sunday was church and family time and family dinner with the Harty's. The fam got to bond with nuggy and it was a dreamy picturesque sight for this mommy. Just seeing my in laws and my niece and nephew love on my baby and see her beam from ear to ear just eating up all the attention made my heart so warm. I feel SO blessed to have the in law family that I have. We are all very different it many ways, we can not always see eye to eye but let me tell you what, we love hard!!! There is nothing we wouldn't do for each other and our children get the most incredible love every time we are all together. I am so grateful for the realness that exists in this family, the genuine love for each other and the love for the Lord. We talk about His greatness, His blessing and the ways we as a family want to bless others. But don't get me wrong we also have moments where we don't say much and just sit and stare at the adorable little one's that are always entertaining us. It is kind of a given that I love my family to pieces, that nothing can replace the closeness that I feel with my biological family, but I can't explain the special, unique, one of a kind love I feel for my in law family.

So there it is a recap full of memories that I will be so glad that I documented. Now it is time to lay my head on my pillow and fall asleep saying my prayers, and count down the minutes till a precious little nuggy decides to use her little dinosaur squeal to let me know that she is ready to parTAY!!!

Thank God for today and everything and everyone in it!!!

Three months...Lots of nuggy love!

Well today is October 19th and I last posted Sept 20th, so yeah I am pretty much averaging one post a month which is pretty par for the course I'd say.

OH if only I could tell you how I wake up every morning SWEARING that I am going wake up before my nuggy, make myself a glass of hot tea while preparing my hubbys lunch and my breakfast, then cozy up on the couch to do my devotional, have prayer time with God and then bust out the most titilating blog post with the perfect combination of humor and heart. Every night I lay in bed imagine this morning routine and think NO PROBLEM!!!! I get excited for my productive morning to come, fall asleep already feeling accomplished and wake up to a morning that looks more like this...

5am breastfeeding with one eye open, still feeling optimistic about my morning, but why wouldn't I am half asleep!!! I think to myself I should put Livy back to sleep get up and start my morning now, buuuuuut maaaybe I could put her back to sleep and sleep for one more hour. One hour turns to two and a half, hubby's already gone, Liv wants a fresh dipe and to party w mommy and I can barely brush my teeth and get her dressed before 8:30. Somehow I still manage to maintain a little denial and tell myself that in 15 minutes after I scarf down some hot cereal, make the bed, figure out which pair of work out pants I will wear, feed baby, play with baby,get baby down for her morning nap, I will somehow find time to blog, do devotionals, drink tea and revel in my morning success. Buuuuuut putting liv down takes 30 mins, heating and reheating my hot cereal because I keep forgetting about it take 15 min, and continuously running back in to my bedroom trying to remember what I was going in there for (serious mommy brain!) consumes at least another 10 minutes, and taking a wet towel to my workout pants that I "swear" were clean but somehow magically have spit up on them eats up the last 15 minutes of my morning and before I know it I realize it's 11 and surprise surprise I am running late and supposed to be on the road to meet my mom 5 minutes ago.

Isn't there some saying that all roads are paved with good intentions or something like that??? Well I should tattoo that on my forehead so I can see it when I wake to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night which would consequently allow me to relinquish my delusional vision of this fantastically productive morning that at this rate,being that I want 4 children, I may never have!!!!

With that said here are some of the millions of things that I want to blog about in my daily blog posts that never happen.

(thank you for listening to reading my rant of ridiculousness :) )

I tear up as I write this but my baby nuggy buggy, angel pie, olive oil, livy girl, punkin face, nuggella buggella, is 3 months old!!! 3 MONTHS!!!!!

And baby girl it has been three months of pure bliss!

 This face is the face of God's creation in his perfect image. Waking up to you Miss Liv is like Christmas morning EVERY SINGLE MORNING!!!

You are super busy and the second you wake up your eyes are huge and your little legs and arms get movin and a shaking and the AM par-tay with momma begins .

This shirt says it all, while it was a little rocky for a while, mostly when you are tired, you now LUBBA your daddy!!!! You smile at him every SINGLE time he even looks in your direction. In fact you can hear his voice before you even see him and your face lights up and your nose crinkles all the way to your eyebrows!  

You are quite the happy baby and are finally getting to a point where anyone can hold you and bring a smile to your face. You are becoming quite the drooler and like putting everything in your mouth while trying to talk at the same time.

You got your first "sickness" a few weeks ago when you got pink eye. Although I have had pink eye several times I acted as though I knew nothing about it. I hunkered down at home, as if you had the plague, prayed over you several times, and had a mental timer in my head that reminded me that ten minutes had passed and it was time, yet again, to check your temperature. I thank God everyday that you are just a wee little baby and you have no idea how ridiculous your crazy mommy is.

This was you at the Dr when you had your pink eye looked at...CLEARLY you were TERRIBLY sick!!!

You are transitioning from being a newborn to an infant. You just started sleeping through the night, from about 9-5, and just about the time we thought it was your new thing and not just a fluke, you started waking up at 3 am ready to play. The only thing that makes this a little bit less painful is that you wake us up with one of your loud hilarious little stories. You actually sound more like a tiny little pterodactyl than a baby. I have heard it a million times yet I laugh every time you do it.

You are my bff!! You and I have the most wonderful days together laughing, praying, singing, eating, sleeping, and dreaming of what God has in store for us.

You still like to sleep on me and cuddle (thank GOD!!!) and this face is the face of perfection, nothing stops me in my tracks and takes my breath away like this face.

You look good in purple! Actually to be quite honest you look good in everything, every color every pattern you are just too stinking cute!

I love the way you look when you way up!

These are the faces I see when I look over at you first thing in the morning, I can be tired beyond words and the second I see one of these faces I can't help but to bust out in laughter, and quite honestly my favorite part is what you can't see in these pictures, or should I say what you can't hear. My sweet little one is usually making these faces while farting the loudest funniest sounding farts you have ever heard.

This picture with your sweet friend Harper looks like I am injected formula straight into your veins, but I swear I am not. I am still trying to breast feed as much as possible and supplement with formula but somehow you had a little growth spurt about a month ago and you just keep growing. Your chin has a nice little cushion of skin to rest on, your neck rolls chafe a bit from rubbing together, and I have to keep your diaper a little loose so when you sit up your dipe doesn't cut off your circulation. I always said I wanted a delicious little chubby baby and I got one!!!

You are the sweetest baby. You speak with your eyes and before your lips smile your eyes do it first. You have a huge contagious smile and you are not selective about who gets the smile. That's one thing I love, you smile at everyone and make everyone smile back :)

you like to play with toys a lot more now, and you are even able to bring them to your mouth, which I am quite proud of! You love your bouncy seat, sans the vibration, the playmat, your crib, the couch, and mommy and daddy's bed, oh and your bumbo and the baby bjorn. You actually hung out in the baby bjorn and cleaned house with me for over an hour...Oh the things you must have seen!!!!

You are always so patient with mommy and daddy as we take millions of pictures of you, and with you everyday!

You  Mommy likes to dress you for every occasion big and small.

Did I mention you are happy HAPPY baby, and I love it. Your little spirit is gentle, and loving, and happy and I know you are going to be one of those people that everyone gravitates to, one of those friends that just make you feel good!

You are loving the bumbo more and more everyday, and everyday I am amused by the disappearing act your neck does the second you get in this fancy little seat.

You rock Juicy Couture! Haha the one outfit you have that is truly couture. Thanks Papa you have excellent taste!

Healthy baby girl, praise God!!!

You LOVE LOVE LOVE your cousins. Here your bff Cousin Jaco is telling you "Baby Bobby" a bunch of funny stories and you are looking at him with your "I love you" eyes. The eyes that say I love everything you are saying and doing right now. Over the past few weeks your cuz has taken quite a liking to you. He holds you and kisses you, he tells you he is sorry when you cry, and tries to "shhhsh" you to sleep when you are sleepy. He is constantly asking where you are at, and saying, "Jaco hold baby bobby?!" Not only does is make me and your auntie Crystal so happy but it absolutely melts your MiMi and Papa.

This is you in Nana Jo's outfit in her rocking chair that we got and refinished to make it your rocker. And even though you never met Nana Jo you so have her gentle spirit and my gosh she would have LOVED you. I can hear her saying, " oh honey she is just the sweetest little thing, what a gift from God.!!"

Ummmm....Girlfriend you have B-E-A-U-TIFUL eyes!!! Daddy is going to have lock you up bc those eyes are going to melt a LOT of hearts!!! 

You have the sweetest belly, I love to kiss it every morning, a million times over again!

You lubba lubba lubba your daddy. He gets up with you every night. He rocks you, feeds you, sings to you and trys to rhyme for you in song to stimulate your little mind, just like the books said to do :) He has started watching you once a week and your daddy daughter dates are pretty awesome. You are doing much better for him. You don't scream as much. I think you started to feel bad for giving him such a hard time. I think you like your daddy daughter dates also because Chad and Addy come over and play :)

You are innocent and perfect in His image. You are pure, and seeing life through your eyes has shown me a world that I never knew existed!

There are seasons in life when it rains and rains and rains, where you swear the blankets of gray are staying for good. These days aren't necessarily depressing, they are just more mundane and lack luster. You eventually learn to adjust. But just when this becomes your new normal something incredible happens, it rains all night, and you are sure the gray umbrella will greet you in the morning, but when you wake instead of grey you see sunshine and blue sky. You feel elated. You have a spring in your step, an optimism on life, and literally the littlest tiniest things make you so happy. You walk around singing, laugh more, love harder, and just feel like you have a new lease one life. You see this Miss Olivia, is what life is like with you. You are that ray of sunshine that we wake up to every morning. You give life a different meaning, and the tiniest things are so exciting and so new. Our life before you was by no means grey, but you have added a permanent sunshine to our world and literally every night when we say our prayers we thank God for another day with you.

Three months have passed... and I can honestly say I have soaked up every single day.



HOW DOES SHE KNOW?????

How does my little darling know that I have just sat down to blog??? I swear five minutes ago she was in the deepest sleep and the second I sat down in my chair I look at the monitor and see two beautiful blue eyes as big as quarters staring at her mobile. I mean seriously how does she know?!?!? More to come I swear!!!