Well I'm here. I would say I'm back but typing that would be kind of like a verbal agreement with myself, an agreement that would declare that me and my blog are going to rendezvous daily, and that's just not a promise I can make in good conscious, but Lord knows I'm gonna do my best!
Apparently summer break isn't just for grade schooler's, or immature college kids who want to grasp one last beat of childhood before the real world swallows them whole. Apparently summer break is also for mommy's and wives who still can't seem to get the swing of a consistent daily routine .This summer I took a break from quite a few things, and it's due time I get back to what makes me thrive like the moth bathing in the light of our front porch, I need structure.
This summer was paramount, and monumental, and magical, and busy and crazy and pretty much so many of my most favorite things wrapped up in a few months. It's no secret to anyone who knows me that having a child has pretty much turned me into even more of a sap, and a dreamer, and a suck the marrow out of life, unicorn loving, overall just much cheesier happier person; but add that with a season I love mixed with some warm weather and a few hundred instagram pics and you've got way more than one could or should ever wrap up in just one blog post. So today I will post on a more focused finite scale, painfully ignoring the overwhelming urge I have to post all 2,376 pics I took of our summer. That post is for another day (lucky you.)
Today, in spite of all of the elated joy I've experienced these past few months, I have had a day. One of those days where you think you're going to break out in tears, then you don't, but you definitely still feel the lump in your throat and aren't a hundred percent confident that they won't sneak up on you on the phone, or while cooking dinner, or possibly while trying to kill a spider with a swiffer that happens to be 3 inches away from your favorite blanket on the couch. (that happened) Honestly I think I'm hungover, I think the late nights, lake swims, family sleepovers, and the millions of nuggy summer firsts, have caught up with me and I'm full on hungover from summer. D has been working late for the past two weeks, and I've been lonely and tired, and overwhelmed, and well lets face it, being hungover sucks.
I love being a wife and a mommy and I literally can't possibly think of a time in which I have done anything more fulfilling than those two things, but with the sun comes the rain, and with the extreme volume of joy those things bring so it also brings with it a gazillion questions, worries, doubts and fears, and when I'm hungover on life I just don't handle these things well. Perspective is nowhere to be found and irrational illogical thoughts whirl around in my head and rent space in my heart. I think in the last two days I have said, "being a mom is so hard!" like a thousand bagillion times, 95% of the time to myself, but man is it true. The smell of fall slowly creeping in only reminds me that one day not too far away that crisp clean smell will bring with it intense sadness and anticipation as my first born will be navigating her way through kindergarten, and the volume of questions that plague my mind at the thought of this makes me just a wee bit anxious. It brings to mind so many of the challenges of being a parent. The unknowns, the things that your heart wants so badly for them, yet also the things you can't be guaranteed they will ever hear, or learn. That's the funny thing about life, about being in charge of raising another life, the questions, the worries they never go away.
There are so many things I don't know, that I simply can't know right now, or maybe ever. The sheer volume of things I desire for my family, for my marriage and for my children, could never be counted, they are literally never ending; But every morning that God has woken me up I have continued to be intentional about putting what he places on my heart into action. If I see it in my head, feel it in my heart, conceive it in my mind then I try real flippin hard to make it happen, to place the right foot in front of the left and move in that direction. I haven't arrived as a mother, or as a wife, and I think the big 'surprise' moment will hit me about 80 years from now, when the sheet is dropped and it is revealed that as a mom as a wife, and possibly as a human being you will never fully arrive, you will evolve.
So in lieu of the millions of answers I don't have, and the millions of things I wish I could control but can't, I will write tonight, those things in which I do know. For memory's sake, just in case I forget! I have felt so emotionally drained and a bit overwhelmed these past few days and I think solidifying a few truths I can conclude from today will help settle me, and help hydrate my soul and rid the hangover headache of these past few days.
Things I know today-
Motherhood is hard, so is childbirth, but with an opened mouth baby kiss, or the offering of macaroni given out of the death grip of a chubby baby hand, the pain and difficulty can quickly be erased from the hard drive of your brain. You frequently become mush, the furrow of your brow softens and the rose colored glasses go back on. It is hard, but it is the best. Ever!
I am madly in love with my husband. Profound huh? Well let me tell you when you feel like you're finally seeing the top rim of a pretty long and deep valley, when you can see the light, and breath in the fresh oxygen of that which is often referred to in life as the 'peak or mountain,' that statement is in fact pretty freakin fantastic! Marriage has to be one of God's crazier ideas, right up there with forgiveness, but my goodness how incredibly beautiful, wonderful, and holy it can be when you really work hard for it. When you succumb to God's instruction, when you dig a little deeper, and discover those crazy truths that have more meaning now than they ever did; I am crazy in love with my husband.
I hate spiders. I Have a legitimate, hives, rash, frantic crying and paralysis, phobia of those little spawns of Satan. They freakin suck, and Senske is on speed dial for a reason. Not only did my mom and aunt have to move all my living room furniture and vacuum, dust and shake out every blanket in the room, but D and I gutted all of our landscaping around the house and have decided to replant all new NOT spider friendly foliage. Dramatic? Not in the slightest. Necessary? Totes!
I ate FIVE zucchini muffins in a matter of minutes. Yep Jo Jo that's right remember 3 hours ago when we were all frolicking in the grass watching the girls play and you sent me home with a bag of homemade zucchini muffins? Yep they're gone, and no one helped. Suuuweeeet!
I honestly 100% unequivocally without a shadow of a doubt could not imagine doing this life, living in this world without Jesus. Our relationship is not perfect, He is, but I'm not. He loves me anyways, and I kid you not there are mornings where I can tangibly feel His blanket of grace and love and mercy laying on me so heavy I actually feel equipped to live this life, not just surviving but like really truly living.
And in conclusion, as I wrap up this list of things I know for sure, these truths of mine, I end with this one.... I need an earlier bedtime, and an earlier wake time. I SUCK at getting to bed early which consequently means my Utopian vision I have of myself being a glorious chipper and productive morning person dies a slow death. I long to be the 9 o'clock bed timer that wakes fully refreshed at 5 am starting her day long before her loved ones, yet somehow I am the last out of bed and often times a shower is how I seem to end my day although it was scheduled at 9am :) So off to bed I go 10:46pm, I'll try much harder tomorrow night, I mean it is still summer break...
It feels good to be visiting this familiar place again, it feels necessary, and comfortable, I have no expectations for this silly little blog, it is what it is, kind of like me, some days it will be great, some day's not so much, but I will keep returning when the time is right. THIS too, is something I know.
Nighty night.
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