Feeling full

There's been a lot going on at the Harty House these past few weeks, a lot of craziness and a lot of chasing my own tail. I don't think there is a day that passes that I don't say to myself, "there's so much to do!!!!!" However there also isn't a day that passes where I can't hear the soft whisper of the holy spirit saying, "your priorities are a tad bit off...slow down... you're missing it!" It's a conversation in my head that I have become familiar with, one that some days really gets me down and other days I've learned to dance to. That elusive balance that we are all striving to find is like a little fly flying around my house. I can chase it for hours, have my hand right over it ready to capture it, and the second we make eye contact it flys away. Some days I swear I have it, other days I don't even know where it's at.

Often times in lieu of finding balance I tend to stumble upon a lot of halfway put together thoughts and epiphanies. I have that unsettled feeling in my heart knowing that the Lord is trying to show me the way but I just can't quite sit down long enough to hear what it is He saying. Many days I feel that I take seven steps forward, but not without taking three or sometimes ten steps back. I know that inevitably at some point the thoughts will match up with the emotions create a conclusion and then align with action. I know this day will come, and I can even feel it when it's near. The moment when everything orchestrates perfectly, and I grow.

This beautiful Mozart-Esq moment of growth finally happened last night. It was unplanned, God driven, and the resuscitation my soul needed. It was no secret to me that I have been struggling with something these past few months. The heavy heart, preoccupied mind, and perpetual anxiousness, were tell tale signs that something was brewing. It wasn't that anything was visibly wrong, or that I was in a state of depression by any means, in fact to the contrary these past months have been some of the best months of my life. I am living my dream of being a mommy, I am so madly in love with my husband, and I am feeling very blessed for where my life is at. It was more one of those things where you can have happiness but you may not have joy, or you can have rest, but you may not quite have peace. It's the feeling of knowing that I'm headed in the right direction, I'm just not there yet. However last night I think I turned a corner, I think I found the there that I have been looking for.

Last night D and I were having an "intentional" dinner. No TV, no music, and hardly any light. The no light part wasn't planned, we just talked all the way through the sunset. Ever since he had gotten home he wanted to tell me about this amazing mother's day sermon that he had listened to on his way home from work. He listens to sermons quite often, and is always up for talking about them, but last night was different. Last night he could hardly wait to give me the play by play of what was preached, and what started off as a conversation about the sermon ended in tears, clarity, and an immense covering of peace. He didn't intend to talk to me about my "issues" and didn't necessarily intend to ease my heavy heart, but God knew, and Derek was listening.

The sermon was about rest. Having that moment of solitude with God and nothing and no one else. Mastering the art of just being, just living in the present. It was then that I blurted out how, I could never do that; how taking time to rest is just too hard for my crazy, overworked mind. In a little bit of shock and sadness he could see what was behind those words. He proceeded to invest in me in those next moments, and started asking those probing questions that you know are going to reveal a whole lot of ugly. Truth is I am totally preoccupied one hundred percent of the time. For me blogs, pinterest, facebook, and instagram, and the 24/7 access, are like 20 shots of espresso to a person with ADD. It's just no good, and the damage that it's doing is just now beginning to show. All of these sites in and of itself are great. They are entertaining, great for connecting with others, and often times super helpful, but just as chocolate is good for you in very small doses, so it goes for the world of social media. There's so much out there now, so many how to's, and so many front row viewings of how everyone else is living their lives. In the beginning I was entertained, but over time the want and at times obsession to, do make, bake, and clean, have replaced my rest, peace and most important my time with God. I understand the standards the world has for you if you live of  the world, but I don't live of the world, I am a believer who lives with eternal and biblical principles. God is my boss and I don't answer to anyone else. I will not be on my death bed smiling back on the DIY Christmas wreath I made from Pinterest. I won't be glad over the 500 and some friends I had on facebook, and I certainly wont be focusing on how clean my house was, or if my 10 month old was doing the latest and greatest developmental activities perfectly suited for her age. Life is more, SO much more, and if I am not centered, if I am not taking time to rest in the Lord, be present and handsfree, I will literally miss it all, and die a slow death in the process. I will miss the random little baby kisses, the moments when my husband is trying to connect with me, the mornings when the birds are singing, and the nights that are warm enough to sit outside till dawn. If I don't put these worldly expectations in check I will miss it all.

Last night my husband invested in me, he asked me thought provoking questions, and challenged me in places I needed to be challenged. In some ways he loved me all the way back to my God, the place where I can rest and just be. There are many times where the busyness of the day gets the best of me and Derek. Those days where we lay our head to sleep and haven't connected, haven't been intentional with one another. I could go on and on about the inter workings of a marriage, and the maintenance a marriage needs, but that is definitely a conversation for another day. What I will say is that last night, by the grace of God my mind was free and clear for just a second, and in that second I was able to sit, without distraction, and allow my husband to help guide me back home.

Last night was the first time in a long time where my phone wasn't the third person in bed with us, I wasn't facebooking, or pinning, or catching up with a friend. I wasn't planning meals, or cleaning schedules, and I wasn't going over our "summer projects" list. Last night I read my dream table book, I cuddled with D and I fell asleep, no anxiety, no worries, just deep breaths and peace. When I woke this morning I didn't go to grab my phone, or even my coffee. My soul felt clear and awake for the first time in a long time. Now am I plugging my old flip phone back in and giving up the Internet? No. Is this semi-euphoric state going to last forever, probably not.... but, if I invest, if I prioritize, can the peace and comfort I feel right now be found in the Lord over and over and over again? Absolutely!

I truly believe the best parts of life, the parts that you don't want to miss for the world, aren't the things happening on facebook, or in the millions of projects and to-do's on pinterest. They aren't even the moments people blog about on their blogs. The very best is happening most often, right in front of us, in private; the good conversations, the laughs,  the sunsets, the great meals, the worshipping, and the serving of others. Sadly today most of us are missing some or dare I say most of these moments. In today's world we are going to have to fight like hell to keep our priorities in line, we have to fight to live in the moment without having to explain ourselves. If we are going to soak up the good stuff while we are still here, something is going to have to change. Everything is good in moderation, but God is best in bulk! He is my starting point and my landing place and if I can live in him every day, then I can finally get back to really truly living!