Love wins...

To you beautiful women in my life… I love you!

I deactivated my fb account today. It was time. Not forever, or maybe forever I don’t know. I just needed to reevaluate, to reassess where I can find my most authentic self, and then sit there for a while. It’s been a rainy past few days in my world. Not all rainy, but the grey cloud of trials, they’ve been looming  and that’s okay. I know the sun isn’t gone, it’s just hanging out until I’ve learned all that God’s wanted me to learn, and seen all that God’s wanted me to see. The reason I write today is to do just that, to reflect on what I’ve seen, and translate it with my words. These past few rainy days have brought rays of sunshine, many in the form of you. Some of you have texted, or emailed, or called me for the first time in a while, and you must have known I needed it. Your words, every single one of them, they pierced my heart, humbled me, but also reminded me that out there, there are people who want me to be happy, want me to succeed, and genuinely cheer me on, both during my rainy days but also during my sunny days. You guys, you just don’t know what you’ve done to fill my cup in a way only you guys can. I’m thankful because you listened to that little voice that led you to call or text. You shared your words, and it was as if God reached down from heaved, parted the furrow from my brows, wiped my tears, and with just a glance reminded me I was loved. I needed it, and you knew.

 Don’t mistake this for a disclaimer that I’m perfect. I’m far from, so very far from it. But I do have a huge heart; I love super hard, and deep, most definitely to a fault. I can be selfish of course, but I also spend many hours of my days wondering how to be better, to be more likeable, more pleasing to everyone. Well as you can imagine it’s exhausting, and taxing, and painful. Oh and its freaking ridiculous. Yeah that too. I like to be open and honest, and not leave things unsaid, but I also hate confrontation, I loathe it! So far too often I take everyone’s critiques, everyone’s suggestions, and opinions, and I just take them. I tell myself its good to be humbled, I try to make it a positive, and I try to just be better, and do better. Well in this process friends, I’ve lost myself a bit. I’ve ran a little off track with the all that I am supposed to be and do and I plain old lost touch with me. Out of the desire to love, I’ve desired to please, and out of the desire to please, I’ve given parts of me that weren’t supposed to be given away. I think I almost forgot that I too had value. I deserve love, in the form of friendships just like anyone else.

So in the space I created for myself, with the encouragement of so many of you, I’ve found me again. I’ve been reminded of who I am, and where my heart lies. Turns out all my attempts to be real, to be honest, and open, regardless of what other’s thought haven’t gone in vain. Turns out there are people who accept me for who I am, who know that my life is not perfect, and that you will NEVER catch me trying to pretend that it is. There are those of you who know, that I will always try to live life for the good, learning from the bad. I will always try to drink from a glass half full, and instead of water, I’ll most likely have Kool-Aid in it. I have learned that many of you out there know my heart is filled with good intentions, and that if it were physically possible I would be everything to everyone. But the most amazing thing I learned these past few days is that there are people out there who don’t need me to be everything, they will actually take me even if for a while I could give them nothing but me.

I think to love someone who’s smart, or funny, or great at giving advice, is pure and honest love too, I just don’t think those are supposed to be the reasons we love people, the reasons why we are loved. I believe to have a good friend you must be one. But I also believe that in a relationship, any relationship you must assess from time to time if you are a giver or taker. And if you find yourself being “loved” only when you can do or be for someone else then it might be time to let that person go. For in all that time you spend worrying, and giving, and being, you can lose you.

Ah-ha

I know to some of you reading this, this may be a lot of “duh” statements. This may be no epiphany to you. But to me, to the girl who used to give her fruit snacks every day for a year, to the very person who was horrible to her, who made fun of her, and encouraged others to be mean to her as well; yes to this girl this is one hell of a Ah-ha!!!! I will not pretend, or lie, or try to convince you that this isn’t something I’ve struggled with all my life, but I absolutely will not run from it anymore. I will face it head on. I cannot make someone love me, I cannot make them be more for me, or even reciprocate that which I try to give them. It isn’t fair for me or for them. Sometimes we just aren’t capable to be all that another person needs, but sometimes we chose not to be what another person needs.  We get used to the taking, and forget to give. It’s a hard lesson, on both ends.

Friends this isn’t a selfish violin playing post, with hidden poor me innuendo’s, it’s just the stream of consciousness that needed to be expressed. I am not the perfect mother, the perfect wife, friend or daughter. In fact if you knew me at all, you would know that in me lies a voice that wants me to believe just the opposite. Usually, if I’m being honest, I tend to either say too much, or apologize too much. Perfect I am not.  I know perfect is an illusion, and all the facebooks, blogs, Instagrams, and photos, are just cliff notes of life. I know that for all my lows, and times of insecurity, and shame, I’ve also had my moments of pride, those times when I take myself too seriously and start pretending that I’ve arrived. Neither should be a landing point, both are necessary for growth. 

Tonight I wrote, to clear my head, empty my heart of bit, but mostly to thank you my sweet friends, those of you see my value sometimes even when I can’t. Thank you for not capitalizing on my honesty, or taking joy in my pain. Thank you for being happy when I’m happy. Thank you for seeing my heart and knowing that my imperfections don’t negate my good, and they never negate the words I share, or the things I say about you, or my life.

I believe in the good in people, I believe in second chances, forgiveness, and the redemption only the Lord can bring. I believe hurt people hurt people, but I also very much believe that God heals.

 Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I believe a little bit more in me too. I believe that it’s okay to stand up for who you are, but never use that as an excuse to not love people in a way that might require more effort. In all honesty I hope if you take nothing else away from this little love letter, please know this… Every time you reach out to someone and think it won’t matter, it does. And every time you risk being vulnerable in the attempt to lift someone else up, even if sometimes you feel they don’t deserve it, the risk is always worth it. There is a fine line between loving and never expecting anything in return, and loving, knowing you deserve to be loved back. I don’t exactly know quite yet, where the line ends and where it begins, but I do know this. Love wins. Love ALWAYS wins! So tonight, I chose love.