Is there fruit on my tree?



As I sit down, in my newly proclaimed "quiet space," with my warm tea and the sound of the heater on my feet I have decided to reflect, and connect, and be still. In my devotional/Dream Table book, we are currently reading called, "Having a Mary heart in a Martha world," the chapter that I am reading today is called kitchen service. I haven't gotten but five pages in and I am stopped dead in my tracks. Lately I have been struggling with my flesh, struggling to bind my soul and spirit and my daily life into one beautiful fiber, one that shows no sign of where my soul begins, and my life ends. I want my heart to be lived out through the everyday actions of my life. But currently the life that is being lived out, in certain areas, is showing me that there may be some weakness in my heart. From a far, in my own puny examining, my heart is full of love, and kindness, and patience and grace. Up close I am seeing flaws, like that of a handmade piece of furniture; on the outside it seems sleek, and smooth and flawless, but up close there are rough patches, there are a few niks and scratches, and if you look even closer you can see the places where maybe someone took a short cut and didn't do it as thoroughly as they could have. That is my heart. It needs some polishing.

This chapter is all about fruits of the spirit. It goes on in depth about the harsh reality that while most Christian's want to say, "look to Jesus, let me point you in His direction," what often end up happening is everyone is looking to us. The book says, " for most, we are the only Jesus others will ever see!" It is so easy as a parent to find all the paths in which you wish to direct your child, you declare they will be pure, listen to christian music, be kind and forgiving, they will eat their veggies, and desire to be active instead of watching TV, but the reality is, 90% of the time your children will do exactly what they see you do. Your words will fall on deaf tiny little precious ears, because those big eyes that soak the world up like a sponge, will only see the way you live your life. Those habits you think no one sees, they will see, and those very things will be the things that shape their character. This is the same with our live as a Christian. It would be nice to believe that our words alone can save a lost soul, but if there is no follow through, if there is no action and authenticity behind those words they are dead. They may as will be "pinned" on pinterest, with the half a million other quotes that never actually get lived out.

Being outspoken, open, and a soul who desires to encourage and inspire, it is easy to believe that the Jesus people are seeing in me is the one that fairly accurately matches up with that of the Jesus in the bible, but as I read this morning I was quickly convicted that that is not the case. And while I know my heart is huge, and my love for others is vast, I am not living all of the things I think I am, and seeing that in writing stings a little bit! In the deep corners of my heart I am seeing places where my flesh doesn't want to let go. I am seeing things that I would rather hold onto than give to Jesus. I am seeing that there may not be as much fruit on my tree as I think there is.

Today I am seeing that my heart needs more humility. I need to humbly take up my cross and follow Jesus so that the life, people see me live matches the words, people hear me speak. Often times I feel that just because I desire to do the right thing must mean I am doing the right thing. I think that because I know what to say that my actions are inevitably following, and sometimes this is true, others times, not so much!

Today I am discovering that if the only Jesus many will see is my life lived out, my love lived out, then I need reexamine how it is I think I love. Am I quick to love and slow to anger? Am I forgiving and gracious, always ready to offer someone my mercy? Do I love those who don't love me back in the way I wish they would love me? Do I do things to others who I know, cannot or will not do them back to me? While I would LOVE to respond yes, my heart knows the truth. Jesus knows the truth. If my life, is the only Jesus some will ever see then I am not teaching some people about the real Jesus they need to know! Of course there are those that are easy for me to love, easy for me to be there for and easy to put all my time into, but there are those, some that absolutely need Jesus the most, who are not seeing Jesus through me at all, and this is just not okay with me.

After my devotional today I have discovered that in order to live this life out in a way that properly exemplify Jesus and the life he lived, I need to spend more time in Him, allowing Him to spend more time in me. One of the millions of quotes in this book that I am loving is this one by Kent Hughes,
"Our lives are like photographic plates, and prayer is like a time exposure to God. As we expose ourselves to God for a half hour, an hour, perhaps two hours a day, his image is imprinted more and more upon us. More and more we absorb the image of His character, His love, His wisdom, and His way of dealing with life, and people." LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!!!!

If I want to love others the way Jesus loved, and if I truly want to live more like Jesus lived, then I need to dwell more in Him. I need to drink of His water, be fed from His food, and get the light of His word so my tree is overflowing with the fruits of His life in me.

It's almost spring, and I can't wait to see what new fruits this season of life will bring out, hopefully it will look a little bit brighter, more colorful, and more abundant than ever before!