One year ago today the Lord visited a room in the far back corner of Hospice. He gently entered the room and carried my Nana across the threshold of heaven like a groom to his blushing bride on their wedding night. There were tears of sadness, and hands that didn't want to let go, but these were not the sentiments of those is heaven awaiting her arrival. In heaven there were angels singing, trumpets playing, and our loved ones we have lost standing at the gates saying, "Welcome Home!!!" The greatest reunion that was happening at that moment, other than the moment my Nana met the Lord, was that of a mother and her child and a wife and her husband. Life coming full circle...love finding its way home!
I will never forget that day, but not just because of the sadness I felt, but because I saw her soul leave to Heaven, I saw our heavenly father cradle her in his arms and tell her, "It's okay to let go, I will take care of your children, but I am ready for you my child to come home with me."
One of my Nana's greatest successes was her children. She gave birth to and raised five wonderful children, who loved and adored her with every fiber of their being. Her children and grandchildren were her world. So many of the amazing qualities that made my Nana so uniquely her, were the same qualities she passed down to my mom. I am so grateful that my Nana was the kind of mother she was because she gave me a mommy I simply adore. She gave me a mommy who is gentle, and kind, and always listens. She gave me a mom that makes me feel like I can do anything, like no matter what I do or where I go, I will always be loved. And I know that my mom is this way because this is the kind of mommy she had.
And my momma's hands are soft, almost as soft as Nana's :)
I have experienced death in different ways. I have experienced death abrupt and without warning, and I have been there at my Nana's death bed day in and day out watching her give a more thorough goodbye. I have decided that neither is more or less painful, neither gives you any more closure than the other; both bring tears to my eyes just the same. But the one common thing I have found in both of these losses is the authentic, deep in my heart, unshakable comfort I feel in knowing that those that I have loved and lost are dancing with angels, and basking in the light of our Heavenly father. They are home, free from pain and worry, and experiencing the kind of love and joy that only exists in Heaven.
For me Heaven isn't a magical make believe place that people mention in a time of sadness to bring them comfort. For me and my house we do serve the Lord and I know that just as I have witnessed the miracle of life, God has a home where he sits on His throne protecting and providing. A place where pain doesn't exist and love is overflowing. There is a Heaven, and I was more sure of that than ever when I watched as my Nana passed. Right before her soul flew away she would often, without words, look up and smile as if she already saw her path home. She would take breaths as deep as the ocean, and finally for the first time she looked at peace. Nana Jo went to Heaven, and I long for the day when we can join her!
I can't really put into words what kind of woman my Nana was, because to be completely honest there aren't many people in this world like her. Words like selfless, kind, authentic, compassionate, generous beyond measure, and one who exudes UNCONDITIONAL love, would only scratch the service, and hardly do her justice. I know she wasn't perfect but I am not certain what her imperfections really were. There was something about the way she lived that made the world warmer. The Lord demands to live IN this world but not OF this world, I would say that is exactly how she lived. Nana had a spirit that entered the room before she did, and stayed long after she left. Every single person that came in contact with her felt instantly loved and respected by her. She wasn't impressed with money, success, or outwardly appearances, and no matter what bad you may have done she loved you anyways. I always, since I was little said she was an angel, because from what I knew of angels they loved like the Lord loves us. He sees our imperfections and loves us harder and stronger... that was how she loved...just like the Lord. After she passed, through the tears and the raw sadness, everyone cried for the same reason..."No one has ever loved me like she did, no one has loved me as unconditionally as she did!"
She was gentle, pure, honest and absolutely lovely!
One of my favorite things to do was play the question game with my her. I would, in true Heddie fashion, ask the questions that most probably don't ask their Nana's, and she with laughter and sincere thought answered every single one of them, even the super inappropriate and ridiculous ones! One time I asked my Nana, what she wanted to be when she grew up? Well known, well liked, wealthy, and famous, were not her answers. You know what her answer was? "A lady!" Yes, the answer to a question that has been asked millions of times, was probably a one of a kind original answer that I am guessing no one else has ever said. My Nana, since her youth aspired to be a lady, and you know what, in every sense of the word she was. Gracious, lovely and beautiful!
Three days before Nana passed, after days of not waking up, she woke. She spoke lovely words to everyone in the room, she recognized each and every one of us, and took the time to tell us how much she loved us. With her gentle soft hands she held mine and told me that she loved me, and in that moment I got to tell her that Derek and I were having a baby. She cried, so did I! And every single day I look at my sweet angel I say to her, "Your Nana would have loved you, she would have kissed you and held you and told you how special you are. She would have made you feel like you were the most wonderful baby that ever lived!" And I can't help but to think that Nana has already met my little angel, and she protects her every day.
Nana wasn't just a grandma you see at the holidays...No she was one I spent the weekends with as a child, and one that picked me up from school, and came to my soccer games. I remember staying with her as a child, having Graham cracker milkshakes, and the way she would always scrub in between my toes in the bath and make me laugh SO hard. I remember watching I love Lucy reruns on nik at night. The way she squirted scope into her mouth, from the bottle on her night stand right before we would go to sleep. I remember how sweet and soothing her voice was as we would pray, "Now I lay me down to sleep.." No one can make a bologna and tomato sandwich like my Nana, and NO one had softer skin than she did. It doesn't matter if it was a C squad volleyball game, or a concert me and my brother were putting on in our play room, she was there. And as I got older she was there for the bigger things, the things that I don't think she knew I couldn't get through without her. Freshman year, on the rooftop deck of my Sorority house as I paced in tears with anxiety attacks, she was there. I used to go to the roof to cry, to pray, and to just breath, I don't think she ever realized I brought her there with me. She helped me pray, and breath, and cry, and clear my head, and I will never forget the days I stared at the big city skyline feeling overwhelmed and insignificant, and how she loved and listened and how she truly made me feel like it was all okay. And when I first moved home to Spokane on another difficult day when I was anxious, and overwhelmed she was there. I layed on the couch, while she played with my hair and we talked. She reminded me that what I felt was normal, and that she and God loved me, and this too shall pass. And on that day she passed, somehow all of those times where she comforted me as I cried, were enough. They manifested in my soul and I knew that day as she was leaving us, that she and God loved me, and this pain too shall pass.
Today is a bittersweet day. Selfishly I miss my her so much I could fill buckets with my tears, I wish she was here to watch Livy grow, to make her famous thanksgiving stuffing, and to hear her laugh, and hold her soft hands. But the other part of me is joyful and grateful. Joyful that she is at peace, on a permanent vacation just singing and dancing with God. And grateful that I have all of these incredible memories with such an amazing human being. That I can take the love she has given me and give it to those I love who are still with me. Grateful that I can sit my daughter down some day and show her what it really means to be a lady! A year ago today I was empty and sad. Today my heart is full!
Heaven is lucky to have you Nana Jo!
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