On the job training

I still remember those first days, the first weeks of each new job I have ever had...where my to-do list is presented to me, I am explained of my expectations and then set free to go perform. I loved those first days, when my role was clearly defined. I am a type A personality for the most part, I am anal retentive on certain things, and I like structure order and consistency. I like to know what people expect of me, and I like to be able to meet their expectations, and as much as I would like to say that my entire identity is wrapped up in God view of me, I have to say much of my life, who I thought I was, and the value I held was wrapped up in my ability to please. I felt most valuable when I could perform to people's liking, when I worked as hard as they needed, did the things they expected and could check everything off of my list of to-do's. I have never been a morning person, yet I thrive on the structure of having to be up and ready by a certain time. I get excited knowing someone is waiting for me to show up and be productive. I work best when someone is asking me to show them what I have accomplished for the day. When I have time limits, deadlines, and expectation, I can deliver.

 Yet through all of these jobs I have held, I have never been working to climb the corporate ladder, I haven't been scheming and dreaming of being at the "top."  In fact all of this hard work was just to contribute, to fill the in between of life, the time between being a child, and becoming a wife and mommy. It's true when I look back at my childhood and adolescent years, above all dreams, what I wanted the very most, was to marry the man of my dreams, to be his wife, and eventually become a mommy. I have dreamt of waves of laughter painting the walls of my home, I looked forward to tiny fingerprints on the window, and the words "mom" being yelled as the soundtrack to our home. I have dreamt of to do list's filled with, making homemade baby food, organizing fun activities, reading and playing games, laundry, and dishes. I gleefully chose to give up my salary and awesome benefits, for life on a budget, and "homemade fun!" And if you stripped my heart and my mind you would find no other desires, no other secret dreams of me doing anything or being anywhere else.

However, in the past month or so I have really found myself struggling with this new job title of mine, and quite honestly part of my struggles have been figuring out why I am even struggling in the first place. But alas, over the past week of praying, crying, searching, and pouring my soul to Derek, I have been able to articulate exactly what it is I am feeling, and why I am finding this position, at my dream job to be weighing heavy on my heart.....This job is the hardest job I have ever had!!! That's it, it's just hard!

A year ago I was dreaming, praying, practically begging God for a way to be exactly where I am today...home with my baby, being a wife and a mom. I wanted this position and I fought hard for it, but 9 months into it I am realizing that all of the things that helped me identify who I was and give me my value have all but disappeared. I don't have a boss to answer to, I don't have checklists, expectations, or a schedule for that matter. I don't have a paycheck to reflect my skill, or a list of newly learned skills to add to my resume. Today I am my own boss, in the business of domesticity, and what I have learned about this field is the expectations are a lot harder to define, and yet the pressure and the sheer guilt that comes along with this position is like nothing I have ever known before.

You can scan pinterest for a mere five minutes and find pictures of a million different "duties" that pertain to this job, there's activities for infants, making homemade baby food, clothes, and diapers, there's a how-to guide on how to clean your entire house in 15 minutes, have it decorated floor to ceiling in 100% DIY decor, and of course the 101 hot date ideas for all that alone and romantic time you have with your spouse. There are school ideas, and home school ideas, recipes for healthy living, tricks for keeping your child well behaved and well rounded, helping them sleep through the night, and of course the calendar for the "optimal time" for adding a second, third, and fourth, child to the mix. And let me not forget to mention the top 50 baby pictures you must have of your infant before they turn one, the different ways to chronicle their every move, and last the millions of different links to different blogs that in turn can show you, in detail, the daily successes of people just like you holding the very same job title. It's exhausting. It's exciting. It's making me crazy!!!!

On July 11th 2011 when I, in my agony, excitement, and tears pushed out my daughter, what was also gained was the birth of what I call "Mommy guilt." That little sensor that was added to my heart that allows me to feel EVERYTHING! When they are little you feel bad if they are too hot or too cold, if they can't sleep, if they get too hungry, or if their poor little tummy's have gas; as they grow you feel guilty if they hear you and your husband argue, if they get scared by a loud noise, or if their nose is so stuffed they can't breath. On top of these immediate more obvious one's, there is that underlying guilt, Should I be working and allowing her to be socialized at a school? Will she be kind? Will she be patient? Will she be happy? Will she know and love the Lord? Should I be working to make more money so we can give her more? Will she know how to share? Is she getting enough learning time, and playing time, and the list goes on and on.

Learning how to do this new job has been quite the transition, instead of an office where I can come and go, I live where I work. Instead of an outline of policies and procedure, I pray, and make it up as I go. Instead of answering to a boss, I am answering to myself. It's ambiguous, and often times overwhelming. Waking up to a blank canvass and a to-do list that truly recycles itself daily, I am struggling to know where I begin and when the list should end. Is it most important that I start the laundry or take a shower? Should I sit down and play with baby or pack D's lunch, do I work out so I can stay healthy and hot for my husband, or do I wash the car, and pay the bills? Do I stay home and put nuggy in front of her toys so I can bust off five to-do's off my list, or do I stop everything and give her the stimulation, attention and affection that she needs? Do I visit the people who have emailed and texted, hoping to see Nuggy, or do I keep her home and clean up the mess from breakfast, and snack, and prepare dinner? Do I wake and have my alone time with God or do I sleep the extra 30 minutes so I can be that much more energized? If I were at my old job the answers to these types of questions would be easy, and when and if there were doubt I would look to my boss and ask for guidance, and when I completed that of which she had asked I would feel accomplished and satisfied. At the very least if I didn't know what the boss wanted, or I didn't get my list all checked off I would at be able to leave at closing time, turn it all off, go home and forget about it until the next day. When you work at home there is no clock in and clock out; and on the rare times when I try to turn it off, relax and just be Heather for a moment, not very far away is the mommy guilt, and the wife guilt that reminds me, that if I just stayed up a little later or got back to work, I could do more, and be more. If I can just keep going I will become the great employee I am striving to be. It's exhausting, and it's wonderful. It's a perfect combination of the hardest and greatest thing I have ever done in my entire life. But my heart is heavy and the guilt is slowly getting more of my heart than the joy, and that needs to change.

So last night I sat down under the blanket of stars, on the front porch swing and cried my eyes out to Derek. I sobbed my feelings of pressure, no clear expectations, and the constant feeling that no matter what I chose, regardless of if I were working so we had more money, or staying home and being the keeper of my home, or if my house was clean and child ignored, or child happy and house a mess, I would still feel guilty. Through the sobs and the tears I tried to explain a job that is almost impossible to explain, from the outside it looks like the easy option. To society being a stay at home mom is the life of those whose husbands make so much money the wife's only requirement is to make it on time to Pilate's so she can fit into her designer jeans. But what most don't see is those of us who are recreating our lives on one salary, learning how to live on and with less so that their children can have more. There are no 15 minute breaks and times in which you are allowed to do nothing and just check out, and believe me if you take a break that guilt creeps in so strong you swear you can reach out and touch it. And the hardest part of it all is there is no one to turn to to reassure you that you have worked so hard you MUST take a break, you must breath, and relax and enjoy. So you keep going until like me you emotionally can't go anymore.

Before I go on I need to interject here to make it very clear that I am in no way saying that being a SAHM is any harder, better or more noble that being a working mom. Honestly I have more respect, and admiration for working mommy's than I think most people could even imagine. I say it all the time, but truly I don't know how they do it!!! The point I was trying to communicate is that there is a world of many SAHM's that people don't understand. And because of the millions of mom's who would give anything to be a sahm often times it's hard to even talk about these feelings because even that makes you feel guilty. It feels rude to talk about the hardships of a life that some women would give their right arm to have. So many times we don't talk about it and can feel quite alone.

Anyways, after my long winded sob session, I stopped talking, and looked to my husband for the words to carry me out of this confusion. And out of all of the millions of things he could of said, he laid it out pretty clear and simple... He reminded me that God is my boss, my job description is not on pinterest, or a blog, it's in the bible. The woman, wife, and mother I should be striving to be should be pleasing to the Lord. He told me that all he asks is that I take the blank canvas of my days and fill them with God, I work on learning, and growing as God's child first. He explained that once I am strong, confident, and in sync with God then I can be the encouraging, and supportive wife that he needs me to be. And when I am in sync with God, and lifting my husband up with prayer, and strength, it is then I can be the kind of wonderful mother God created me to be. He said he would be that happiest man in the earth, even if he had to work a million jobs to keep me home, if he knew that I was filling our house with the strength, love, prayer, and hope that can only come from the Lord. And then he told me to forget everything else I have heard, seen and read, and to move forward. So here I am... moving forward.

What I have learned in the last 24 hours has been invaluable, no book, or blog, email, or text could have given me the peace I found in Derek's words last night. He was right, God is my boss and I should be looking to him, checking in hourly, making sure I am aligned with His will and plans for me as a wife, as a mom, and as His child. I need to lean not on my own understanding or expectations but on His.  All the rest is great, but it's not for me, and in order to do my job well, in order to succeed and thrive in this new position I have been blessed with, I have to listen to my husband, and let the rest go!

And my prayer as I am writing this is that more mom's can find a way to turn the mommy guilt off, that they can stop looking to the world to give them their job description, and seek God above it all. I pray more of us mom's can find peace in His encouragement, and to know that we are doing a great job, we are succeeding, and there is no more important job in all the world than the one we are doing at home.

Easy like a Sunday mornin'........

Cause I'm eaaaaasssssaaayyyy easy like a sunday mornin'......aaaahhhhh aaaahhhhh aaaaahhhh aaahhhh easy luke a Sunday  mornin'....

I feel like this was my theme song for today! What a glorious, marvelous, fabulous day today was! It was the iceing on a delicious cream cheese frosting confetti cake that was this weekend! We started our day doing some unusual things for a Sunday...D went golfing (okay not suuuuper unusual but kind of for a Sunday), and Nuggy, Mimi and I followed the  Fowlers out to the middle of nowhere, a beautiful nowhere, for a Vogue-esque baby photoshoot :) There were wardrobe changes, and accessories and momarrazi and it was absolute adorable. Truly I am certain that my little nook up in heaven will be FULL of babies, I just can't get enough of them! Nuggys bff Addy was also in the shoot and per the usual Nuggy kind of wouldnt get out of her personal bubble. It was a beautiful location, with great outfits and accessories, and for all of the babies, outfit changes, and prop changes it went extremely smooth and was very well organized! We were super grateful to be a part of this little baby shoot...it was a blast!

Once Nuggy was done smiling for the cameras we headed home for some lunch and a nap. What actually ended up transpiring, was an hour  and forty minutes of mommy and daddy being thoroughly entertained by the babe tv (baby monitor). Honestly I don't know what her deal was but sister was CRAZY and couldn't relax enough to fall asleep! She was head banging, going in circles, yelling, singing, laughing, and screaming w excitement for what felt like an eternity....being that it was so beautiful out me and D decided to take our baby circus viewing and some snacks out to the front porch. I don't know if it was the lull of nuggy's laughter or the cool breeze with the warm sun on my toes, but it wasn't long before I was passed out on the front porch swing, it was sooooo dreamy!!! D ended up falling asleep too, once Nuggy finally drew the curtain on her performance, and the three of us rested.... peaceful, free, and easy like a sunday mornin!

Once we woke we packed up and headed to Mimi and Papa's. We met Bean, Crystal, and Stinkerman, there and filled the afternoon with lots of baby laughter. We played and ate, and played and ate some more. We had burgers, brussel sprouts, potatoes, and corn on the cob for dinner, and the usual Folkins' dessert, ice cream and hot fudge. We went to the park where we got out any last ounce of energy that might have been hiding somewhere in our bodies, well to be more accurrate I should say Jaxon got out his last balls of crazy while Nuggy and I hung on the grass. Looking around and seeing all the kids playing and parents smiling, made it clear, spring is here and summer is right around the corner my friends!! This fabulous  night ended w two little babes in the kitchen sink , rinsing off the sticky combination of sweat, and sunscreen off their bitty little baby/toddler bodies. It was a perfect summer-like family afternoon, we sucked every ounce of sun and fun out of this day, and we loved every minute!

Honestly just as I do with D's family, whenever we are driving home I reflect on the time we are so.crazy fortunate to have with each other, and I feel totally content. Neither one of our families are perfect, and ironically neither are me or D :) , but there is a lot of love, and laughter and joy amongst all of us. We do a great job of maximizing our time together, and let me tell you what...I wouldnt trade these moments for anything in the whole wide world!

My life isn't always easy, it isn't perfect, and it sure isnt all playtime and roses, but it's a pretty simple life, and to me it's full of all the right things...God, family, love and lots of laughter! This weekend we put down the to do list, and just lived...and sweet Lord did it feel good! Looking forward to see what God has in store for the week!

A perfect little Saturday...

Today was one of those days where in many ways I feel like I really ”lived!” I feel like every hour was spent wisely and consequently I am feeling very tired, and slightly overwhelmed with gratitude! I am documenting my precious little Sat via my phone because I'm to tired to get my laptop but insistent upon documenting my day.
Today stated out with a cup of coffee and a family walk to see Jo Jo and Addy. It was supposed to be a short visit, long walk; but it turned out to be more of a long visit very short walk :) I should've known... Our visits are too fabulous to be quick!
When we got home Nuggs was still in her jammies, and hadn't had breakfast so we had a quick breakfast picnic outside before heading in to nap the nuggy... I was able to have a wonderful conversation with my momma who I adore... and still found time to shower and get ready for breakfast w the Harty's.
We had a yummy brunch at O'dohorty's w the while fam for Connie's birthday. I always love family time, and seeing the way Nuggy looks  at her cousins just melts me! They may not be super close in age but there is so much love there!

After breakfast  we went home packed up our daybag and hit the road. We decided the afternoon would be best spent as a family day,  just the supercool three of us! We went to the park at the river, watched the.insane falls, walked for an hour or so then hopped back in the car for a new adventure...sushi! Nothing like a good workout (or just your average walk :) )  to make for a major sushi craving! Due to the sleeping nugg in the backseat we ate in the sunshine, in the car, in a parking lot by the lake. Then we drove for a while till we found another spot we could get out and stretch and show Liv the lake. We feed her some dinner, she drove us around the parking lot a few times and we started making our way back to the homestead!

We did the nighttime routine, tucked a very peepy baby into her bed and headed out to have some D, Heddie time...I wont lie our time was precious, and romantic. We went out in the backyard and retrieved all of D and Chad's golf balls, like I said...SO romantic!!! Actually the sunset was quite beautiful, the air was warm, and I enjoy any alone time I can get with the hubbs. However I must say the hot date took a turn when D informed me that I, "wasn't as good as Chad!” Of course he was referring to my ability to retrieve the golf balls, and remember to yell "ey-yo" every time I found one. I honestly had no words at this moment, because I knew the time would come, when those words would leave his mouth, "you're not as good as Chad!"  in fact to be honest the incredible love, respect, and admiration these two have for each other is the best thing for me to see as a wife! I have accepted that there will be certain things in life that D would much rather do with his bff than with me. These two will be friends for life...no doubt! I digress :)

After ball fetching, it was a quick Grey's episode (so sad btw) and off to beddy bye land! Nuggs and Addy have a big photoshoot tomorrow, and D has a glorious round of golf w my Dad and bro...so all of us must get our beauty rest for these big events tomorrow!

I am feeling so grateful for the Lords eternal faithfulness! He has blessed me with a husband and child who rock my world, and consume so much of my heart! I have this husband  who loves me in a steadfast, unconditional, pure kind of way, and a baby who makes a walk on the sidewalk, or sushi in the parking lot the the most amazing magical time ever!! And I'm not being cheesy and just saying that. I really do feel that way! Every second of today has had such intense meaning and joy, because of God's faithfullness in promising to have plans of hope and a future for me! (jeramiah 29:11)
This Saturday was one for books! Such a perfect little saturday in my very simple and sweet world!

This man is no fool!

Fifty six years ago on April Fools day an amazing husband, father, Papa, and friend was born!

He is smart, funny, talented beyond belief, selfless, generous, loving, and so much fun to be around, he was born on April fools day but he is no fool... He is absolutely wonderful, and today we got to spend most of the day with the family and it made my heart so happy! We had yummy snacks, and enchilada's, and chocolate brownies and ice cream for the birthday boy. We got to just relax and hang out and celebrate being a family that has such an awesome dad!

My dad is the kind of man that has no clue how loved he is, has no idea how ridiculously talented he is, and has no idea how much better our lives are because he is in it!

This little blue eyed beauty stares at her Papa with the most loving gaze, she looks at him in a way that says, "Papa you make me so happy!" 

However in this pic she is looking at me like she might scream if I take another picture of her :)

My dad is the kind of man who seems to have everything when it comes to material goods, he has a beautiful home, a nice car, nice clothes, and the list goes on and on, but still I have never seen a man put every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears into his work the way he does. He works day in and day out for his family, and even though his children have grown, he is so the kind of guy that will still work his tail off to ensure that both his kids and his wife are taken care of.

...And with that said, for a man who has everything, there is absolutely nothing he loves more that his grand kids. These two angels light up his world like the fourth of July, EVERY single time he sees them! There is absolutely nothing he wouldn't do for his babies, and these babies love him in the most delightful way!

This is the look little nuggy makes when she lays eyes on her Papa. It seriously is the sweetest thing!

It's crazy to think of the days when these pictures were just us four, when we my dad was filming us rapping in our homemade music videos, and taking our picture by the Christmas tree. It's crazy to think of all of the baseball games my dad coached, and all of the conversations we would have about good grades, and college. It's just too crazy to see the way our family has grown yet to feel as though I am still 7 and my dad is the only man in my life. It's crazy that life really does go that fast!

This picture pretty much sums up exactly what nuggy and her 8 month old heart feels for her Papa, and I have to say that I see that face and I know what she is thinking and feeling, because I feel it too! Maybe that's a hereditary thing a mother can pass down to her children...a fiery, passionate, outrageous love for two people who would move heaven and earth to make sure you are taken care of, loved and adored!  

Tonight after her baba, Nuggy, so still and so content just laid in her Papa's arms. She gently ran her little baby fingers through his facial hair, and rubbed her hand on his cheeks. She normally doesn't like laying like this, but tonight you could tell she was at peace. She felt safe in her Papa's arms, and felt no real hurry to move. She spent minute after minute gazing into his blue eyes just studying this man who used to hold me this same way. Every time I see this I feel as though my heart could burst, because like I said before I feel it all too! And what I wouldn't give to be her again, to lay in his arms and have him rock me and to show him that there is absolutely no other love than the love between a daughter and a daddy!

My heart is full and heavy at the very thought of my dad. Full with love, respect, and admiration. Heavy with sadness and longing. My dad has lived a life that most could never even begin to be able to understand. He has not always been treated the way he should have been, and I don't ever think he will be able to grasp the sheer abundance of which he is loved. He has lived many days where anyone else would have given up, but he didn't, and he wont. He is stubborn, and sarcastic, and honestly doesn't always have a cup that is half full, but considering the hand life has dealt him I would say it is nothing short of a miracle that his heart is as soft, and generous, and as huge as it is! He has been one of the greatest examples of hard work, and making the best with what you've got. He has taught us to fight hard, work hard, and accept people for their virtues and flaws.

I love my dad in a way I can't even put into words, and for me, a person of MANY words, that says a lot about my feelings for him! Our relationship has had its peaks and it's valleys, but it has a rawness that I would never replace. I love my dad with the hairs on my head and the toes on my feet, I love him with all of me, because so many times he has loved me just the same.

I have learned over the years that we all speak our love differently, some are loud and some are soft. Some scream it from the rooftops, while others say it with a look. My dad, he loves us soft and quiet, but his love could move mountains! His love and unshakable support has often times left me feeling as though I have a debt so big I could never repay. He has never stopped taking care of me, and seeing his passion to continue to support me and my new family just reinforces the heart God has given this man.

As I think about this glorious day, when 56 years ago God created my dad I feel a kind of gratitude that is unique and in a category all it's own. And my prayer on this day, and every other day is that, miraculously, by the grace of God my dad can spend the next 56 years discovering how fabulous, and wonderfully made he really is. My prayer is that he can come to know the infinite ways God loves him and can rest in the peace of his grace. That he can know without a shadow of a doubt that he is a good man, a loved man, and a man who has positively influenced the life of this adoring little girl!

Happy Birthday Daddy, what a wonderful BEAUTIFUL day to celebrate such a wonderful man!

Love you!