My clenching fist...

When I started blogging I remember making a promise to myself that I would always try to be my most authentic self, of course there are private intimate things that I will not share, but what I do chose to share I want to be 100% honest about. I am using these blogs as a scrapbook and journal and I never want to look back on these posts and see that I tried to appear to have it all together all of the time, nothing could be further from the truth-case in point, today!

Maybe it is the lack of sleep I have had the last few nights,  maybe it's just an off day, maybe it's part of being a first time mommy, or maybe my feelings and fears are just closer to the surface today. Whatever the reason, my heart is heavy. I am having one of those days where I want to cuddle baby Liv into a little ball on my chest and have someone use one of the swaddle sacks we have and swaddle us together forever! I Can't kiss her enough and stare at her enough and take enough pictures, and I know most people say that is all very typical of a excited first time mommy, but today I am not doing those things out of excitement but more out of fear. Fear of losing my baby. I don't know if it is because of the 550 blogs I read while I was pregnant but I am all to familiar with the intense pain thousands of mommy's just like me experience because of the loss of a child. Not only do I fear losing her to SIDS, disease, accident etc but I fear losing her to time, to her growing up too fast, faster than I can keep up. I fear losing her to this crazy world, to the disease of low self esteem, peer pressure, and mean nasty girls. To be totally raw and honest today I am struggling with fear for my baby. I have never known a love like this, I mean I am a suuuper passionate person especially or should I say mostly when it comes to people. I love hard. I have loved many people deeply, passionately, and sometimes painfully but I have never felt this kind of love, the kind of love that makes me so incredibly happy and so insecure all at the same time. The part of this fear that I am struggling the most with is knowing that as a believer I should never love anything more than the Lord. And no matter how I try to package it for others to see the truth is the Lord knows my heart and He knows that I am feeling more love for this baby than anyone including Him. Now don't get me wrong I love my husband and my family and my friends and I love God SOOO much but the current love that is consuming me is my love for my little precious nuggy. So how appropriate that I look at my devotionals for each day and the one I read first, the one I forgot to read a few days ago was the following...

Entrust your loved ones to me; release them into My protective care. They are much sager with Me than in your clinging hands. If you let a loved one become an idol in your heart, you endanger that one -as well as yourself. Remember the extreme measures I used with Abraham and Isaac. I took Isaac to the very point of death to free Abraham from son-worship. Both Abraham and Isaac suffered terrible because of the father's undisciplined emotions. I detest idolatry, even in the form of parental love. When you release loved ones to Me, you are free to cling to My hand. As you entrust others into My care, I am free to shower blessings on them. my presence will go with them wherever they go, and I will give them rest. This presence stays with you, as you relax and place your trust in Me. Watch to see what I will do.

Those words were like a blanket of peace over my anxious soul. So I read it again. Entrust your loved ones to me; release them into My protective care. So I close my tear filled eyes see baby's face, see my heavenly fathers arms reaching out for her, and I let go.

There is no doubt that I will have to continuously let go of my little angel, no doubt that this world will rear its ugly head and make itself known to my baby girl. But in those moments when it takes everything I have not to put her in a little ball in the palm of my hand and clench it tight, I will hold her close with love not fear, and declare that you my child are protected, you are in the arms of the Lord and He has the ability to protect you and heal you. I am just here to guide you and comfort you and show you how to look up to the heavens and see the God that is keeping you safe.

Thank you Lord for showing me this pure and perfect love. Thank you for reminding me that you are in control and I am not to fear.